BEAUTIFUL AMBITION

Everyone possesses their own unique gifts and talents to contribute to the world. There are many different ways in which to express ourselves. Art, filmmaking and writing are among the many modes of self-expression.

I have been known to use dialogue from Dawson’s Creek and One Tree Hill for inspiration and this blog will be no exception. During the fifth season of the beloved teen drama series, Dawson’s Creek, Dawson has an encounter with Amy Lloyd who is a film critic for the Boston Weekly. She has come to review his movie. In the scene they are sitting in a coffee house where he is trying to persuade her to watch his movie.

Dawson: “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I am not quite sure that it’s done. I mean, all the pieces are there. All of the elements are there. But there’s something about it that just feels kind of… Oh, something that just kind of feels incomplete.”

Amy Lloyd: “What is it about to you?”

Dawson: “I don’t really know how to answer that question. Umm I’ve had this truly bizarre, life altering year. I dropped out of USC to be with this girl who I’ve loved in one way or another for pretty much my whole life. Then my father died, which completely rocked my universe. And then I jumped head first into this really intense relationship with this other girl. And we just broke up and the movie had nothing to do with any of these things. But in a way it has to do with all of them. I feel like I put everything I am into making this film. I’m sorry. I’m rambling”.

Amy Lloyd: “Don’t be sorry. That is actually a movie that I would really like to see.”

Dawson: “Really?”

Amy Lloyd: “Yes. Anything imbued with that much passion and heartbreak sounds far more interesting than half the dreck that is currently taking up space in our nation’s multiplexes”.

Dawson: “This movie, for me, it kind of, held my life together when I needed it most. It forced me to be brave and made me strong”.

Amy Lloyd: I’m about to have an insight here.”

Dawson: “Okay”.

Amy Lloyd: “It’s not the movie you’re afraid is incomplete. It’s you. And you should be afraid of that because you’re not complete, not yet. In fact, you may never be. But you keep looking, and making movies, and showing them to people, and that’s what being a filmmaker is.”

Dawson: “Good Insight.”

Amy Lloyd: “I have my moments.”

Amy Lloyd: “What do you say we go watch ourselves a movie?”

Dawson: “Okay, well what if sucks? What if I completely wasted my time?”

Amy Lloyd: “If it sucks, I will tell you over coffee.”

Now there is no turning back. Dawson has to show this movie. I am sure that he is scared to let out that much of himself-his sweat, blood, and tears- out into the world. After all, there are very harsh and cynical critics out there. Paulina Kael once said, “The words “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”, which I saw on an Italian movie poster, are perhaps the briefest statement imaginable of the basic appeal of movies”. Below is Dawson’s impassioned speech to a roomful of people who are eagerly awaiting a great movie.

Dawson: “We are going to show this thing. Here’s the deal. It’s too long, the music is temp, the mix is unfinished, the transfer is ugly, and we still don’t have a title. But uh…what you’re about to see is a labor of love. For everybody in this room who gave of their time and their energy, and their talent. And, uh…we might be the only people to ever see this thing up on the screen, but it doesn’t matter because it is and it always will be a snapshot of who we are at this particular moment in time. So…brace yourselves. Roll it.”

The truth is I can relate to Dawson. I also have created something in which I would like the world to embrace. Instead of making a film of which I would not have the first clue how to go about making a movie, I wrote a manuscript and sent it off for publication. Toni Morrison once said, “If there’s a book you really want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it”. I am sure that some of its readers will be harsh and cynical critics. Everyone is not going to like my book. It is a fact that I and any other writer, or artist, or filmmaker must face and accept. We can only write, or paint, or create a story from our own unique points of view.

I have also discovered that I am my own worst critic. On One Tree Hill, there is a character by the name of Peyton. She is a very talented artist. She makes a confession directed towards a character by the name of Lucas. Peyton confessed, “I want to draw something that means something to someone! You know, I want to draw blind faith, or a fading summer, or just a moment of clarity. It’s like when you go and see a really great band for the first time and nobody is saying it but everybody is thinking it. We have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling…but I can’t. And if I can’t be great at it, then I don’t want to ruin it”. That’s how I feel about my ability to write. I enjoy writing. It is a catharsis for me. However, I feel as though the times are rare that I capture lightning in a bottle which for me is the whole point. If I can’t capture that feeling when I write and often times I do not, I don’t feel like I accomplished what I set out to accomplish. Often times, my words on paper do not sound as well as they do in my mind. It somehow gets lost in translation. It frustrates me to no end when I cannot execute my vision! Paul Bourget once said, “Ideas are to literature what light is to painting”.

I have been in the midst of a truly soul searching year in which to discover my place in the world. It has been a year, to reflect on past experiences. For over a year now, I have been running in place for fear of what I might encounter on the long journey ahead. I have been treading water in an attempt to keep myself from going under. I am fighting the undertow, although I must admit that I have given it power over me. Insecurity is a fierce enemy. I have been plagued with self-doubt. I have been at a stand still, listening to those tiny voices inside my head, which have tried to convince me that I don’t have what it takes to be successful. The voices have tried to persuade me, to give up on my hopes and aspirations for the future. Like a broken record, those voices have told me over and over that I don’t have the endurance necessary to propel me to the finish line.

Often I have wondered if I possessed any gifts or talents in which to contribute to this dog-eat-dog world. I have been running on empty, with no place to go except inside of myself therefore taking a journey through the inner recesses of my mind. It is a scary place. I had psyched myself out. It was hard to believe that there were people in my life who still believed in me, when I no longer believed in myself. The fear of failure is quite crippling at times. Dawson was scared of failure. He was scared to fail at what he loves most, filmmaking. Am I afraid to fail at what I love most? Sure I am, but I must keep on trying, and raising the bar for myself. If there ever comes a time when I find that creating a story is no longer challenging, then I will lose interest.

There are times when I wish that it would be easier for me to verbally express myself. I am never at a loss for words when I write, but sometimes I can’t find the right words to say to express my feelings. I admire public speakers. I admire their bravery and courage to stand up at a podium among a lot of people and deliver these impassioned speeches. I am also very envious of those people who can draw or paint. After all, “a picture is worth a thousand words”. Joan Miro once said, “I try to apply colors like words that shape poems like notes that shape music”. We all have different talents whether or not we excel at the arts. We all find a way in which to shine. We all have our something. We all have our moments.

I am grateful for being talented. My book is a true testament to my ability to weave a story. Like Dawson’s movie, I feel like my book held my life together at a time when I was so uncertain of myself. And like Dawson, I put everything I am into writing that book. It is a constant reminder of the person that I used to be. Just like a picture, can evoke strong memories, my book reminds me of a more simplified time in my life. Joyce Carol Oates once said, “When we claim to “remember” our pasts, we are surely remembering our favorite snapshots, in which the long-faded past is given a distinct visual immortality”. My hope for its readers is that with every turn of the page, they will gain a sense of renewed hope and that they too can pursue their own dreams. Other authors inspired me to write. It is a very rewarding experience. It is very therapeutic, and cleansing. It is very self-gratifying. Jorge Luis Borges once said, “Writing is nothing more than a guided dream”. If only the rules of writing applied to life, then without a shadow of a doubt I would know that I was getting somewhere. It was a memorable life-altering moment when I realized that writing is my true passion. How often are our true passions revealed?

I would like to include another passage from the movie “Little Black Book” starring Brittany Murphy. I will not go so far as to say that watching a movie can be a life changing experience. I will leave that belief for the filmmakers. However, I will say that if you are paying close enough attention to a movie, and watch the story unfold you can find a message or a little gem of wisdom in which you can take with you. What follows is Stacy Holt’s monologue at the end of the movie.

“By fall, I was ready to try again. A little bruised, a little humbled and hopefully a little smarter. I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end…we don’t. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and from the peace that comes from knowing that you just can’t know it all. You know, life’s funny that way. Once you look over the wheel, you might end up right where you belong”.

I can really relate to that. I believe that I was destined to tell a story. John Sheffield once said, “Of all the arts in which the wise excel, Nature’s chief masterpiece is writing well”. I have ended up right where I belong; however the journey is far from over. I will keep searching, keep writing books, and publish them and that is what a writer is supposed to do. Maybe I write stories or blogs in attempt to try to reach some part of myself who still is a little skeptical about life. The more that I write, the easier the words seem to flow out of me. It is like standing before a wishing well, holding a bright and shiny penny, making a wish, letting it go, and hoping that the wish will come true. For me, writing is about releasing my suppressed feelings before an unsuspecting and scrutinizing audience hoping with all of might that that tiny piece of myself that has gone unnoticed or has been lost or has yet to be discovered will suddenly be recognized, appreciated, understood, found again and discovered. Writing has helped me fill in the blanks of the unanswered questions I have had about myself. Writing is a weapon that wards off the tiny voices in my head that try to convince me I am unworthy. It is a gift given to me by God. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “All writing comes by the grace of God”. Whether you like to paint, draw, make movies, act, sing, or even write these are all avenues in which to express ourselves and discover are place in the world.. For me, writing is a beautiful ambition.