PASSION PASSPORT

Today I have been listening to my new Wrecker's CD. I was telling someone the other day how I am a lyric person. Some people enjoy the beat while others dissect the word on the page. I am one of those people who dissects the word on the page. Often, I wonder about songwriters. Why do they write the songs that they write? What is their story? Where have they been? What have they experienced? I have had my moments, and some I have shared in my blogs. I would like to say that I've had an ephinany, but the truth is I've been thinking about this for quite some time. What has lead me down this path of self-expression? What has lead me to discover my ability to write? This is a question with many possible answers, but in this blog I would like to focus on just one.

There was a guy. Yeah, I know what you are all thinking. There she goes again with a blog about love. Yes, I did love him. No, I am not still in love with him. He was my first love, and as they say you're first love never really dies. To make a long story short, we dated for awhile, and things got pretty serious. We came to the juncture of too much too soon, and reluctantly parted ways. Someone once said, "Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never ever the same."

Two years later, he came back into my life just as I was finishing my first year of teaching. Looking back, I was so enthusiastic about my chosen profession. It was hard, but I learned so much in so little time. I shared with him about some of my teaching experiences, and he seemed eager to know what had been going on with me in his absence. In my absence, he had gone back to school and was close to getting a degree in Respitory Therapy. He was a little older, and a little wiser. So was I. He was so passionate about his chosen course of study. It really made me happy to see him put forth such effort, and finally use the smarts that God has given him.

I began to second guess myself a little bit or least what I had chosen to do with my own life. His passion was infectious, and I started to envy that for myself. How could I get it? At one time, I had been enthusiastic about teaching, and even passionate, but somewhere in the middle of all the red tape my flame burned out. It was not an easy to admit to myself that I was no longer happy with teaching because I had spent so much time and energy-four and a half years in school to be exact. Once I admitted to myself that I was pretty miserable with my job, there were no easy answers. I had painted myself into a corner. There was only one avenue I had steered myself down, and that avenue lead me to teaching. Why had I limited myself so much when there were so many other possibilities and ventures to embark upon? Although, I was a good teacher I realized that I did not want to spend half my life surrounded by four walls in a classroom. What did I what to do? I had to find some answers. An old Chinese proverb says "The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. At times, the heart can be a reluctant traveler. Kahlil Gibran once wrote, "Your reason and your passion are the rudder...and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift or else be held at a standstill in midseas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion unattended is a flame that burns to its own destruction."

There is no road map for the road less traveled, but as Robert Frost once wrote, "it has made all the difference." In my pursuit of higher learning, I had forgotten about my childhood dream which was to be an author. Specifically, I wanted to write romance novels. The interesting thing is I had been working on a manuscript for quite awhile. Interestingly enough, Will's reappearance in my life gave me the courage to pursue my life long dream, and as an extra bonus gave me more fodder for my story. Working hard towards my goal, gave me an unexpected, but much needed perspective on the whole situation with my ex. Harold V. Pheldhart once wrote, "Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance toward the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point. Climb slowly, steadily, enjoying each passing moment, and the view from the summit will serve as a fitting climax for the journey."

I needed him to be there at that juncture in my life, but now our lives how gone separate ways again. In an indirect way, he helped me discover where my true passion lies. My passion is writing. I truly hope that he is happy with the decisions that he has made, and the course that he has chosen for his own life. I have learned that in life the journey is more important than the destination, and I am enjoying the journey. He contributed to me finding the one thing that outside of my faith gives me true joy. If it had not been for him resurfacing, and sharing his dreams with me, I might not have rediscovered my own. Unbeknownst, to him he stamped my passion passport, and now the sky is the limit.

TWENTY-SOMETHING CANDLES

I recently turned twenty-eight, and in some ways big and small it feels like I have only just begun to live my life. I am an introspective, self-reflective person, and I take things to heart. Marquis De Vauvenargues once said, "Great thoughts always come from the heart." I thought that I would share my thoughts of how I feel like I am perceived and how I actually view myself as a kind of owning up to my mistakes, my failures, and celebrating my triumphs. I would also like to share a glimpse of my world view. Is it not funny how all of our lives we are struggling to figure out who we are, how we are perceived by others, and how we fit into the grand scheme of things? Is it not the great riddle of our lives?

In my twenty-eight years, I have been blessed with some incredible people who have crossed my path, and people that I am proud to call my friends, true friends who actually have taken the time to get to know the "real" me-imperfections and all. I have been labeled "the good girl" especially by guys and men. What does that exactly mean? I am not sure that I even appreciate that label. Do not misunderstand me. I do not want to be labeled "the bad girl", but being labeled "the good girl" and "well-behaved" leaves little room for impetuousness, impulsiveness, and unpredictability all of which I would like to exemplify at various times. Instead I am perceived as straight-laced, level-headed, and predictable all of which I disdain. I have even been called a "drama queen" from time to time. My personal favorite is "reserved". Could there be a duller adjective in the English language? However, I do wear proudly the label of being one-of-a-kind. I am also vulnerable, sensitive, and I bruise easily.

I am afraid that I come off as boring to some people and pretentious to others. I am afraid of actually "living my life" because if I actually "lived my life" I would shock people, and fall far beneath their expectations of me. The fact is I do not wear a halo. There are people in my life that I do not want to let down or disappoint who think very highly of me so I feel that I have to behave in a certain way to please them. I am a people pleaser, and there are actually very few and far between things that I do that would actually make me happy or so I think. However, from time to time I do follow an impulse. There are little things that I do to get in touch with that kid who lives deep in the heart of me like turning spontaneous cartwheels or jumping off the diving board. I miss that wide-eyed innocence. After all, I am just a great big kid at heart.

I follow the rules, but even I have broken a rule or two from time to time. I am far from perfect. I would make more mistakes on purpose, if I didn't feel like it would take me a lifetime to "right" my wrongs. There are some things we just can't take back. There are no "do-overs" in life. I watch some people go after what they want, and get it, but not even appreciate what they have when they do. I have watched people make mistake after mistake in their lives, and they never seem to learn from them. A “little bad" can go a long way, and sometimes I get tired of being "so good". It is hard to be good sometimes. It is hard not to stoop to some else's level when they hurt you, when they criticize you for your morals and values. I get tired of being the bigger person, and struggle with the idea that if I cheated just a little, or cut corners I could be the one who got what she wanted, and come out on top just for once. The opposite sex perceives me as "the good girl". It seems to be the only thing they see- the list of perfectionism ad nauseum, but there are so many more things on my list. There are so many more facets, gadgets, and gizmos to me than what is perceived by the naked eye.

A good friend sent me a tree analogy the other day via email. It said, "Girls are like apples, the good ones are at the top, but the guys choose the ones that have fallen from the tree, because they are scared of falling if they climbed to the top". There is an ending to that story that says, “One day that right guy will come along and climb to the top and hand-pick "the good girl". I am ready for that ending, that happy ending in fairytales which in life would be a welcomed beginning. Another good friend the other day was sharing her "fairytale" with me. She said that "It didn't happen the way I thought it would happen. I perceived a fairytale when in reality our story is more down to earth and humanized." Nicely put. Contrary to popular belief, I do not want a fairytale. I want the "down to earth and humanized story". I want someone to hand pick me for me, and not for "the good girl" persona they perceive.

There is always some distraction whether it is forbidden fruit that has fallen from that tree or an ex-girlfriend that rears her ugly head. I know that there is an attraction for "the unavailable, impossible, unreachable" aspects of life. I have also felt that pull towards taboos, mysteries, and the dark side. I actually do have a wild side, but I rarely let myself walk over to it; however, it is there. I do struggle with my ideals and desires. Does not everyone? Are we not all human?

There are some lines no matter how alluring or exciting we were never meant to cross. There is right and wrong. There are shades of gray. There is black and white. There are some "black" and "whites" that are not negotiable. We have the right to draw our own lines in the sand, but it does not mean that it falls under justification for the choices that we make. Antoine De Saint Exupery once said, "It is only with the heart that one sees rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." It is near to the impossible to make that connection between the heart, and the head, and sometimes even our hearts can steer us in the wrong direction unfortunately.

We cannot talk our way out of a downward spiral, and when we finally do come out we will not be unscathed or unchanged. If you have been blessed to live, twenty-something years then you inevitably have hurts, wounds, and scars from relationships and even family members that are too painful and run too deep to ever verbalize. We have the choice to move on from those battlefields where we have been wounded and heal or we can stay there and bleed to death. We all have that choice. We all have a purpose, and most of us take a lifetime to figure out what our purpose is. The bottom line is if we live a life that is pleasing to our Creator, then in the end that is all that matters. Why are we so quick to look over the scriptures that speak right to our hearts? The answer is because we know; we are not living a life that is pleasing and full-filling. There are times when we all must be gut-wrenchingly honest with ourselves.

So label me the "good girl" if you will. Don't take the time to get to know all of the depths that accumulate into who I am. Criticize and belittle my feelings and beliefs if you must. Rationalize and justify behavior than is less than who you are, and what you were meant to be. Believe me I am talking to myself because I am less than perfect. I do make mistakes; however, I believe that the things that I choose to do right, not because I necessarily want to do it, but simply because I know that is right, will one day pay off in a big way. My obedience will be rewarded. The reason that I have twenty-something candles on my cake, is because the Lord simply isn't finished with me yet. My story has yet to unfold although I am sure with lots of twists, turns, and hopefully that "down to earth and humanized” happy beginning. The difference between a non-believer and a believer is that we believers know that "fighting the good fight" is worth it in the end. E.E. Cummings once wrote, "To be nobody, but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

Candles represent the years of our life that we have lived. I want mine to represent a life that has been well-spent-miles traveled, and many valuable lessons learned. I want my life just like a candle to shine brightly and make a lasting impression on the people in which I cross paths. I hope to put another candle on my cake next year, and I hope that this year's wish comes true.

TOMORROW LAND

Taking some time to re-evaluate my life's direction, I have met some pretty interesting walks of life along the way. Some of the people that I work with have enriched my life in different ways. There seems to be a handful of different "desk girls" making their debuts at different times. I have now been at my place of employment for a little over a year; however, it has been a very off-the-beaten path kind of year.

Sometimes I feel as though my life is in reverse instead of moving forward because I work with younger girls. These girls that I work with are either attending beauty school or a university. In fact, two of the girls attend the same university that I attended. It has been invaluable to reflect on that time in my life when everything and every experience was a new adventure and it was thrilling to venture into the unknown. I cannot remember a time since, that I have been as truly excited about my life as when I was a college student. I truly enjoyed it. I thrived on it. I thrive on working towards a goal.

Right now those things in my life that I am missing cannot be achieved. They only can be graciously accepted at the opportune time as a result of a little patience. Honestly, I feel as though my life is at a stand still because as much as I would like to go over some scenes in my life, I know that a rewrite is impossible. So I look at these girls with envy who are experiencing all the things that I miss about being younger. I am envious of these girls who have yet to figure it out. I am envious of these girls whose biggest problem is who to take to a sorority formal or studying for that big test. I truly miss it because I am reminded of how much time has passed me by since those sweet collegiate days. I miss those carefree days. I miss the freedom that comes with being a carefree college student. On One Tree Hill, Lucas once had a monologue that reads like this, "Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens, and we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever." I have had a few of those moments. I have had such moments of greatness where everything was right in the world. One of those moments was finally graduating from college.

I remember my college graduation day with fondness. My friend Jeb attended. He joined my family for lunch, and gave me a picture frame in which we were supposed to take a picture together for the frame. He also took me to a movie the night of my graduation. He was a friend. He is the best friend of my ex-boyfriend, hence dinners and movies and phone calls and such were as far as that relationship could go. College gave my best friend Heather and I an opportunity to take a class or two together. I lived off campus and she lived in the dorm; however, I think she spent the night with me every other night because she could not stand her roommates at least not her freshman year. I stayed with her some at the dorm as well, especially on "Chapel day". It was nice to just wake up and walk out the door and be on campus without having to drive my car.

I had a professor whose enthusiasm oozed out of him. He encouraged me and believed that I had what it takes to succeed. I will forever be grateful to him for his encouragement and faith in my abilities not only as a college student, but also as a productive citizen in society. His teaching went beyond the classroom into the real world preparing us for an uncertain future.

On a personal note, I even attended a dance called the "Cardinal Ball" with my ex-boyfriend. I had been looking forward to going to that dance. I could not believe the steal that I found at one of our local dress shops. My look blew my ex-boyfriend away who broke up with me three days before the much awaited dance. Drama! Drama! Drama!

In spite of all of those wonderful and not so wonderful things, I do not regret a single one of them. I might not have followed the script to the letter. I am sure there was some ad-libbing along the way. Even now I know wherein my futures lies. It lies within the Author's hands. The script has already been written. I have read many lines over the course of a four year education and at that an education in more ways than one. Every now and then I get nostalgic for those days just like I do for my childhood. They are apart of me. Joyce Carol Oates once wrote, "When we claim to "remember" our pasts, we are surely remembering our favorite snapshots, in which the long-faded past is given a distinct visual immortality."

After college, we trade in the hallways for the highways. Sometimes we lose our way because we have ventured into unknown territory or simply because we are too stubborn to stop and ask for directions or look at the road map. Sometimes we are going down a highway and have to change our course to avoid an accident or an obstacle or some sort. Sometimes we come to a fork in the road and are uncertain of which way to go. No matter what obstacle lies ahead, we have to just put our cars in drive, get on that winding highway with all its bumps and twists, move along, and keep driving. We might as well enjoy the beautiful scenery along the way. Learn from the bumps in our roads. Thank goodness for rest stops to reflect and re-evaluate the miles that we have already traveled and determine what path to take next. If we are wise, we will leave that to the ultimate Navigator.

I received a well rounded education. At times, it is sad for me to realize that I hold a degree that I no longer want to put to use. There are so many scripts out there. I just have to find the best one for me. The girls in whom I work with must find the right script for them as well. Just like these college students, we all anticipate a bright and friendly future. We all get a little impatient; however, as time goes on we find ourselves more and more looking back at previous chapters, re-reading a paragraph over and over, searching for some hidden meaning, and trying to find our purpose and a purpose for the co-stars in our lives. I can only hope that when these younger girls finish college they will still anticipate a bright and happy future and will look forward to their own "tomorrow lands". Although I may miss those days of burning the candle at both ends, I would not take back the wisdom and the lessons learned from my previous experiences. Like all grown ups I realize that the learning process is just that a long process in which the end results are products that we can utilize for a lifetime. However, the learning process never ends. My entrance into the "real world" still has not extinguished my flame of hope or my intrigue for "tomorrow land".

LIE IN THE LULLABY

To be honest, I have been thinking about the material for this blog for awhile. Somehow it has not fully come together. It has not fully been woven in my mind. So I thought that if I just began writing, a muse of some sort would take over to fill in the details where my mind has drawn blanks. I will begin to write and see what unfolds. It is part of the anticipation waiting to see if I can weave a beautiful tapestry of thoughts together. Eloquence is not always so easily obtainable. Sometimes, it is difficult to create a word order that flows as eloquently as musical lyrics. Nevertheless, writing effortlessly is my goal every time I sit down at the computer.

All of us at one time or another have fallen under the spell of "the lullaby". As babies, lullabies were soothing and relaxing lulling us into dreamland, an escape from the world. We were protected in a cozy cocoon. Babies are calmed by rocking chairs, mobiles, pacifiers, stuffed animals, his or her parents' voices, and music among other things that allude me right now, but hopefully you are starting to pick up on the tune that I am whistling.

It is important that children are protected and nutured. Children should live in a safe environment and know that they are loved. They should not fear the world. They should be taught that instead of hiding from it, they should face it head on and try to conquer it or at the very least they should try to conquer their own fears. As adults, we know that it is easier said than done. When we were younger we had that possibility to be anything that we wanted to be. The dream was kept alive no matter what we were dreaming, but all too often when we enter adulthood and go out into the world some of those dreams that have been nutured since childhood are dashed.

This happened to me about a year ago. I became dillusioned by my chosen career. Sadly, I gave up and cut my losses; which is all fine and good except for the fact that I am scraping the bottom of barrel. My funds have dissipated. I thrive on setting goals for myself and challenges, but when I have not been pursuing a career the goals and challenges are not easily found.

This year I did publish a book. It was a dream that I have been dreaming since I was a teenager and I saw it to fruition. The only problem is the fruits of my labor have not been forthcoming. It seems all I have been producing lately, is spoiled or even rotten fruit which has been nothing of sustenance in which to grow, expand, and illuminate. Cognitively, I know I have got what it takes to survive and succeed. I just have a problem with letting those abilities burst forth from inside of me.

I have been tempted to crawl up into a ball and sing myself a lullaby. We all do. We lie in them. Sometimes, we even wallow in them and wrap a big cozy blanket around us so snug and secure like a big cozy cocoon of denial. Sure, it is a safe place and it does make us feel good. We revert back to being babies; however, babies are not capable of doing anything for themselves. They are helpless, but yet some days that is so much more appealing than actually giving a damn and trying. Some days it is easier to pretend that the world does not exist, that the bills are not piling up, that the days are not going by, and that if we just don't think about then it will go away instead of rising above the ashes of our failures and trying again.

The longer that we stay in that cozy cocoon of denial listening to those lullabies, the harder it is to break free from that suffocating cocoon and admit to ourselves that we have wasted so much time caught up in our "silent movies" and our "soundtracks". "You know that song that you sing to yourself so much that it becomes a soundtrack of your life and then you just stop singing it one day", were the words that Peyton said to Jake on One Tree Hill. His response, "because you want to stop thinking about the things that the song reminds you of." Maybe it is time to slam the lid on that internal music box which incessantly plays a tune that is so mesmorizing. Can we just turn it off as easily as we turn down the dial on the radio? Or the volume on our CD players? No, it is not. However, that does not mean that we give up and follow the sound of a tune that inevitably will lead us to our doom, a life void of anything on which to thrive much like the rats in "The Piped Piper. "Even Peter Pan out grew his Peter Pan syndrome", as Dawson was fond of saying on Dawson's Creek. Jewel said, in her song "Goodbye Alice and Wonderland" that "we grow fat on fantasy there is a difference between dreaming and pretending". We have to stop following that yellow brick road leading to "Oz" because it does not exist. It is make believe. We grow fat and lazy and listless. Some dreams are obtainable and some are not.

Dreams are hard to come by and they come true not free. Most of the time anything worth having in this life, comes at a high price at least anything of real value and most of the time we go off trying to catch those dreams kicking and screaming. Why do we have to be dragged kicking and screaming when it is the one thing we want most in the world? Well, the easy answer is we are too lazy to exert the energy to chase the dream and lack the passion and enthusiasm to capture it. Kahlil Gibran once wrote, "Your reason and your passion are the rudder...and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held in a standstill in midseas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining, and passion unattended, is a flame that burns to it's own destruction". The flame left unattended will burn out or catch on fire destroying everything in its path. Just like a candle's flame, our internal flames can burn out. Sometimes, we need someone to light the match again and sometimes we find the strength to do it ourselves finally facing the music and writing our own mantra in which to spur us towards victory. Maybe our mantras should be something like "Chariots of Fire" after all we are running a race towards the finish line. Some of us have dropped out of the race, it is only human to grow weary and commonplace. If we drop out of the race and we allow ourselves to be lulled into a deep sleep, how do we ever expect to achieve true greatness and the brass ring? When we find what we love, we must pursue it. When we discover our true talents and purposely squander them away it is like spitting in the face of God who has entrusted each of us with unique gifts.

On Dawson's Creek, Joey Potter liked to sit on the "sidelines of life". She liked to read about life, but was hesitant to participate in it. Eddie, played by Oliver Hudson once told her, "I thought life was about what you actually do instead of what you think about doing". Truthfully, I have the same problem because if I get in the ring, I am afraid that life is going to beat something out of me. Now that is honest. I am constantly giving myself pep talks on this very subject which has found its way into cyberspace. I guess that when I am reluctant to put on those boxing gloves, and when I fear that I am going to be the punchline instead of the knockout, I should listen to "The Eye of the Tiger" or something equally motivating. Lullabies are beautiful. They are a baby's best friend; however in contrast they can be an adult's worst enemy if we allow ourselves to get disillusioned and lie in the lullaby.

Here is Jewel's lyrics to "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland" which inspired this blog.

"Goodbye Alice In Wonderland"

[Verse 1:]
It's four in the afternoon
I'm on a flight leaving L.A.
Trying to think about my life
My youth scattered along the highway

Hotel rooms and headlights
I've made a living with a song
Guitar as my companion
Wanting desperately to belong

Fame is filled with spoiled children
We grow fat on fantasy
I guess that's why I'm leaving
I crave reality

[Chorus 1:]
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
What's been missing in my life

[Verse 2:]
I'm embarassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
But I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
But you did not

Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love
It can even turn monsters into
Angels from above

You forged my love just like a weapon
And you turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
You opened up my eyes

[Chorus 2:]
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind searching
what was missing in my life

[Bridge:]
Growing up is not an absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold
And Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told

[Verse 3:]
Ohh truth is stranger than fiction
This is my chance to get it right
And life is much better without all of those pretty lies

[Chorus 3:]
Ohh So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
And you can keep your yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
These are not tears in my eyes
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
I found what's missing in my life

THE WANDERING YEARS

Walter Smith once said,"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein." That is what I feel like I do every time I write, but in my case I sit down at a computer. I have been teased endlessly by my friends some more than others, about my addiction to Dawson's Creek. For whatever reason, here lately I have been running it on a continuous cycle. I have an emotional attachment to the show that most would not understand.

The fictional town of Capeside, Massachusetts just draws me in some days. Luckily, I have all six seasons on DVD. In the third season and the end of an episode Jen, played by Michelle Williams told Dawson, played James Van Der Beek that, "This is some alternate reality where our intellects are sharper, our quips are wittier and our hearts are repeatedly broken while faintly in the background some, soon-to-be-out-of-date contempo pop music plays." The show did many things well. It explored socially relevant issues. It had heart. It definitely had wit. Most importantly, it lead us through the journey of "the wandering years" allowing us to walk in the shoes of the main characters: Dawson Leery, Joey Potter, Pacey Witter, and Jen Lindley as four stories unfolded. We were given insight into four lives and four very unique viewpoints. These four main characters interacted with many different guest stars and three characters whose involvement in Capeside and Boston respectively earned them kudos in the main title sequence.

In the words of Dawson Leery, "It's about a lot of things, but more than anything it's about what it's like to be fifteen, that time in your life when everything is new and you're constantly on the edge of a broken heart. I mean it should be stylized and operatic. We open in a teenager's bedroom walls plastered with movie posters. So in the bed: boy and girl. Both fifteen they've been best friends for as long as they can remember. So they're in the bedroom and they're talking about movies. This is a coming-of-age story. I wanted to tell a story about something small, something personal something I've been trying to figure out for quite some time. I want to write about growning up and why it's so hard. I want to write about falling in love and why it can't last, but how at the same time it lasts forever." In a nutshell, this monologue sums up the character of Dawson Leery. A dreamer with his eyes wide shut who fell in love with his best friend and never quite got over her breaking his heart.

Then there's Joey who resented being "half of the will they, won't they", couple of the century although she is the one whose raging hormones developed "a thing" for Dawson. And why wouldn't she? She climbed up the ladder into his bedroom every Friday for "movie night." She slept as in total hard core REM sleep with him in his bed. Not to mention, she was a tomboy who developed " a thick outer shell" because at thirteen her mom died of cancer and her father got put in prison for drug trafficking. Despite trying to figure out "their budding romantic intanglement" Joey and Dawson were best friends and soul mates. So when Pacey developed feelings for Joey, Dawson's "girl Friday" and Joey developed feelings for him things quickly got complicated.

Next is Pacey. Pacey J. Witter. His character reminds me of my first boyfriend which I guess is the reason that I favor the off-beat character of Pacey to the stay-in-the-lines character of Dawson. Pacey once said, "Since the dawn of time I have been designated the black sheep of my family." He was a screw-up and he never really believed in himself until Andie came along and inspired him to be "the man he only dreamed of being."

Finally, there is Jen who was probably the most complicated character of the whole series. Kudos to Michelle Williams for doing such a fantastic job of playing the multi-layered and complex character of Jen. She once had to go see a therapist as a direct consequence of getting drunk on a school sponsored ski trip. Her therapist Tom Frost told her during one of their therapy sessions that her, "smart sarcastic exterior masks a young lonely woman whose relationships with her parents has scarred her in ways she hasn't even begun to process. She has a hard time trusting people. Men, especially and who can blame her? When parental ties are severed early on like that it can send a young person searching for love and acceptance in a variety of destructive ways which may explain your relationship with drugs, alcohol, and a best friend whose sexuality prevents him from ever fully returning your affections." When Jen had made a breakthrough, Tom Frost told her, "You are a beautiful innocent young woman who's meant to shine in this world in ways you can't even begin to fathom."

These four characters had their own unique set of problems, issues, and hang-ups. The silver linings to their dark rain clouds are that they had each other. Joey and Dawson's friendship even survived when she admitted to Dawson that she had feelings for Pacey and pursued a relationship with him. Sexuality was not a factor when it came to the unique bond between Jen and Jack who told Jen on her death bed in the series finale of Dawson's Creek that she belonged to him because she was his soul mate.

I would like to share some of my favorite scenes between these characters when they were right in the middle of their teen angst. The first scene is between Pacey and Dawson rowing in a boat towards Dawson's dock after successfully sneaking Joey back into her house after she had been drinking at a beach party, that took place during Season One. In Joey's words, "It's true what they say time plays tricks on you. Memory is an unreliable narrator. History gets rewritten in small ways each passing day. I can't swear that this is exactly how it happened but this is how it felt".

Dawson: "Joey was so out of it tonight. She babbled on about the Icehouse, kissed me, rolled over, and passed out."

Pacey: "Wait. Wait. She kissed you?"

Dawson: "Yeah."

Pacey: "She kissed you like an aunt-on-Thanksgiving or she kissed you?"

Dawson: "No. She kissed me. I mean it meant nothing. She was completely wasted. Obviously mistook me for Brad Pitt which is understandable."

Pacey: "Ah. Dawson my fine oblivious friend. One of these days you're going to have to take a gigantic fact check my friend, all right? She didn't mistake you for anybody, okay? This girl is head-in-the-clouds, one hundred percent ass-backwards in love with you, all right?"

Dawson: "Dude. Pacey. Joey and I have a great time together. And it's great to have somebody that you know so well that you don't even have to verbalize what your thinking most of the time. The other person just gets it picks upon it. and it's like that with Joey and me. And it's great, and I like it, but it's not love."

Pacey: "Hey, all right. Don't you think that it's a bit strange that in the middle of a disastrous weekend with your girlfriend Jen, you and I are sitting here talking about your friend, Joey?"

Dawson: "Love is what I have with Jen, okay? It's exciting. It's new and unknown. Yeah, sometimes it's out of hand. But trust me there's a difference between friendship and love."

Pacey: "Right? And your so sure that you know that difference?"

Dawson: "You don't know what you're talking about."

A few episodes later, Dawson takes off the blinders or as Pacey said, "takes a gigantic fact check" and sees Joey as beautiful at the "Miss Wind Jammers contest." In this scene he and Joey are talking after the pageant as he wraps his sports coat around her bare shoulders.

Dawson: "What's happening Joey? I looked at you tonight... And I... It was like you came completely out of your shell. There was this like total I don't know-newfound confidence that just seemed to burst from you. And I know what it must have taken for you to get up there tonight. It's like you... It's like you transformed into this beautiful...Joey. I mean... I'm sitting here with my best friend in the world and my palms are sweating. I've known you forever, but I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time tonight."

Joey: "I don't know Dawson there's something that's just not right about this. I mean.. It's my own stupid fault. I mean... dressing up playing the princess. You and I both know this isn't me. I thought this is what I wanted for you to see me as beautiful. For you to look at me the way you look at Jen, but the truth is I don't want that at all Dawson. I want you to look at me and see the person that you've always known and realize that what we have is so much more incredible than some passing physical attraction. Because you know what Dawson? It's just lipstick. And it's just...hairspray. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to be Joey, just Joey."

Dawson: "Joey, this is all new to us and we should talk about it, okay? No matter what happens we can't go back to the way things were."

Joey: "Dawson you've had a lifetime to process your feelings for me. And I can't spend the rest of mine hoping that you might through a glance in my general direction in between your tortured teen romances with whatever Jen Lindley rolls into your life next. I can't do it."

At the end of Season One, finally Dawson kisses Joey. They have a short-lived relationship. After a school dance, Joey breaks up with Dawson to find herself. She starts seeing Jack, who realizes that he is attracted to men so then he breaks it off with her. Dawson and Joey get back together for awhile until Dawson decides to inform the police that Joey's vindicated father is trafficking drugs again. Then Pacey and Joey start a friendship after he breaks up with Andie for being unfaithful to him by sleeping with a patient while she is staying at a mental health facility. In Season Three, Andie has just told Pacey that she slept with a guy from the mental health facility. He is driving Joey home after the pep rally and they are talking in his car.

Joey: "Pacey, you probably don't want to hear this right now. And you probably don't want to hear it from me, but you have to talk to her."

Pacey: "No, I couldn't even look at her right now."

Joey: "You have to Pacey. You have to hear her out."

Pacey: "Why? What's the difference Joey? The ending is still the same. She slept with somebody else."

Joey: "You think that just because the two of you were together what she did hurts more? It doesn't. There's no difference Pacey. I mean look she's sixteen years old Pacey and so are you. We talk like we know what's going on, but we don't. We don't have any idea. We're really young, and we're going to screw up alot, we're going to keep changing our minds and sometimes even our hearts. And through all of that the only real thing we can offer each other is forgiveness. Don't let yourself get so angry that you stop loving because one day you'll wake up from that anger and the person that you love will be gone."

Shortly after that, once Pacey puts his hurt feelings in perspective regarding Andie, Pacey starts to develop true feelings for Joey. Joey returns Pacey affections. Then Pacey breaks up with her at the high school prom. Here is a scene from Season Six, where Joey and Pacey are reliving that time in their lives and contemplating starting over. In the girl's room, Joey is consoling Harley, her professor's daughter after her boyfriend, Patrick started a fight with a guy that Harley used to make him jealous. Pacey is having a "man to man" talk with Patrick in the boy's room at their schmancy private school during a school dance.

Harley: "Look at me. I'm crying in the bathroom."

Joey: "And thus carrying on an age-old tradition of women crying in the bathroom. I did it in high school."

Harley: "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but my high school experiences shouldn't really be the same as yours. Or I'm doing somethng terribly, terribly, wrong."

Joey: Sorry kiddo. But that's just how it goes with the high school dance. You buy the dress. You mess with the hair. Pose for the picture. You think you're date is going to say all the things you've been dying for him to say and no. Inevitably, you end up in the girl's bathroom crying."

Pacey: "You like Harley, right?"

Patrick: "She has her strong points. As long as we are talking man to man. Yeah, I like her a lot."

Pacey: "Congratulations man because true feelings for a woman that's about the best experience you're ever gonna have. It'll make you strong. It'll make you stupid and it will definitely take you closer to the man that you wanna be. Be nice to her."

Harley: "You've honestly had a bad time at every dance you've ever been to?"

Joey: "Yeah. Except this one. This one was nice."

Pacey: "I'm all for the grand romantic gestures, but next time instead of flailing around wildly, just tell her that you like her. And then if you still feel the need to throw a punch, pick an enemy your own size."

Although, Joey was not on the same page as Pacey at least not at this particular point, this is one of my favorite impassioned speeches that Pacey has made. "Don't tell me that you're not scared because I know that you are. I mean, I've known you too long and seen you push away too many good things to let you push me away right now. My whole life Joey, my whole life you have been the most beautiful thing in my orbit and my feelings for you were what proved to me that I could be great. And those feelings were stronger, and wiser, and more persistent, and more resilient than anything else about me. When I was afraid of everything, I was never afraid to love you. I could love you again. Joey." However, at the end of the series, Pacey and Joey get the happy ending.

Think back to your own "wandering years" or formative years whatever you want to call it. Did you feel like your were living your life in a fish bowl? Seriously. Imagine how a gold fish feels in a tiny bowl, swimming around in circles and moving from side to side hitting the edge of the bowl, looking at people peering at him. Sure, he can breathe underwater through his gills. But there isn't much else he can do. The life aquatic isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Did you ever hear the faintest of snickers and whispers in your direction? Can you remember the imaginary audience that followed you around who always seemed to criticize and never applaud you? Did you feel like you were spinning around in circles? Running in place? Did you feel like you had no place to go? Or wondered where you where going? Or where you would be when you got there? That is what college admittance essays are for I guess. Did your life feel small and insignificant? Did you get the guy or the girl? What label where you given in high school?

On top of all of the teen angst, How was your home life? Did your parents decide to get a divorce? Did you lose a loved one? Did you learn a family secret? Did you have a friend that understood you even when you didn't always make sense?

I always wondered, "What made me special?" What set me apart?" I think that I compared myself to every female on my periphery. It was always a competition for attention. I craved encouragement, but rarely ever got it from the people in whom I sought it. There were times that I had crushes on boys whose radar never reached me. Would you go back and be fifteen again? If you had the chance, would you go back and do things differently? What would they be? Those years of growing pains are so tough. It is a miracle we ever find our way out of that maze.
Here is a scene between Joey and Dina, Chris's sister who was briefly seen in Season Two of Dawson's Creek. Everyone went over to Chris's house for a study session. Dawson had unintentionally hurt the tender feelings of Dina. Joey decided to give her a pep talk.

Dina: "After tonight, I'm avoiding growing up at all costs."

Joey: "Sounds good. Let me know if you have any luck."

Dina: "Aren't you supposed to be arguing the other side?"

Joey: "I see you want the I'm older than you so here's how it works speech, right? How's this? Growing up sucks and not all kisses are magic and most boys do not live up to your expectations. But...there are those times when everything I mean love, romance, relationships it all falls together perfectly and it's incredible. It's those moments no matter how depressingly few and far between make growing up worth it. It will be okay."

Would I wake up and be fifteen again if I could? I do not think so. Sure, there are some things when I look back that I wish I could change. It is called regret. It is just in the last few years of my mid-twenties that I have been comfortable in my own skin. That I felt like it was okay to be me. Retrospect is a gift. Sure, there are things that I have done wrong; however there are also things that I have done right where I have no regrets and I wouldn't change a thing if I could turn back the hands of time. One of the main differences between being a teenager and an adult is that when you are a teenager you think you have all the answers, and as an adult you begin to realize and finally admit that in fact you do not have all the answers.

In a way, writing is an avenue of reliving the past. Reflection and I have always been on pretty good terms. It does not mean that I do not anticipate and look forward to the future. I do. There are just some moments in the past that I treasure and cherish.

Kevin Williamson, the creator of Dawson's Creek has said, that he used a part of himself in every character. So in a sense, he got to relive the past. Dawson certainly did and at times, he delved into the self-indulgent which if I were being honest, I have a tendency to do the same thing. Here is another great scene between Dawson and Joey near the end of the series.

Dawson: "What if you woke up and you were fifteen again?"

Joey: "The funny thing is... is I don't feel that way anymore. Watching you shoot those scenes today is like this huge weight has been lifted."

Dawson: "Yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean. Shooting this movie is going to save me tons of money on therapy."

Joey: "Today was a great day."

Dawson: "Oh. The best."

Joey: "I mean how many truly great days are we going to have in our lives?"

Dawson: "I don't know. Who knows how many you get? When they do come along though I hope that you're close by at least for a few of them."

Joey: "Me too. So how would you descrive your movie? If somebody asked you what would you say?"

Dawson: "I would say, it's about a girl who wanted more than she had, who had to grow up to realize that she had everything she ever could have wanted."

Joey: "I like that."

Although Dawson and Joey were soulmates and had this incredible connection to one another, Joey always felt like she was fifteen years old again when she was with Dawson. He transported her back to that particular place in time and she feared that she would never grow up. It seemed the reason that she chose Pacey at the end of the series is because she actually allowed herself to grow up with him whereas with Dawson she was fifteen again in his bedroom, on his bed watching movies particularly Stephen Spielburg movies surrounded by four walls plastered with movie posters.

" I used to be afraid of so many things. That I'd never grow up. That I'd be trapped in the same place for all of eternity. That my dreams would forever be shy of my reach. But it's true what they say. Time plays tricks on you. One day you're dreaming the next your dream has became your reality. And now that this scared little girl no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss her. I do because there are things I want to tell her to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be okay. I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you and actually accept you for who you are will become an increasingly rare occurrence. Jen, Jack, Audrey, Andie, Pacey, and Dawson. These people who contributed to who I am. They are with me wherever I go. And as history gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day, my love for them only grows because the truth is...it was the best of times. Mistakes were made. Hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now. How does it happen? Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good? Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something. That we where there for each other at a time in our lives that defined us all. A time in our lives that we will never forget. I can't swear this is exactly how it happened, but this is how it felt."

The above paragraph is Joey's reflective monologue towards the end of the series. I also have people who I look back on with fond memories who have contributed to who I am. I have made mistakes, my heart has been broken, and I have learned harsh lessons. Joey is right. We are quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good because we need to believe that the time that we have already spent with friends or family members actually meant something and it was a time in our lives that defined us all. The truth is we were all meant to shine in this world.

I imagine that most people when given the choice, to wake up and be fifteen again would graciously decline the offer because it is such an uncertain time in our lives. It is a time riddled with teen angst, confusion, raging hormones, and self unawareness. We are always fighting some internal war within ourselves and when we were teenagers it was peer pressure. E.E. Cummings once wrote, "To be nobody-but yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." Dawson once said when he was referring to Joey taking off with Pacey for the summer in his boat, "Why does it hurt so much?" Andie simply replied, "because our pain makes us real and we can't do it alone. None of us can." No matter what stage in our lives, the only true thing that we can offer each other is forgiveness for our past mistakes and grievances. Dawson's parents taught him that "sometimes love ends and begins again". "True love can forgive anything." Like Dawson, "I wanted to write about something small and something personal, something that I have been trying to figure out for quite some time." I wrote this blog to explore those "wandering years" and pay tribute to my favorite T.V. show of all time. The world is full of mysteries. Among the many mysteries of the world, one that would rank on the top of the list is "the wandering years".

In just two weeks the WB network will say "goodbye". It is being replaced by the new CW network. Dawson's Creek paved the way. It is the granddaddy of the WB. Of all the shows that are art imitating life, in my humble opinion, Dawson's Creek did the best of depicting "the wandering years".

THE MAN IN THE MOON

If you have read any of my blogs, in fact if you are faithful and loyal enough to read them then you are probably holding your breath right now wondering if this is just another blog about L-O-V-E. Not exactly. This blog is actually going to deal with the more technical and physical side of relationships. Okay, get your minds out of the gutter. It is not going to be X-rated. It is not even going to be PG-13. However, this blog will deal with teen angst and wide-eyed innocence when exploring the topic of kissing. Kissing? So what's the big deal? Well, if you've never kissed someone there is a lot of planning and practicing that goes into making your "first kiss" worth remembering.

Life can be quite simple when your a child, but once you start noticing the opposite sex life can get quite complicated and exciting. It is a rush. In the movie, "The Man in the Moon", where Reese Witherspoon had her film debut, there is a scene between two sisters who share their fears about growing up and even the technicalities of kissing a boy for the very first time.

Maureen: "Do you remember when we were little and Mama used to tell us when things get all mixed up all you have to do is tell The Man in the Moon?"

Dani: "Yeah, you just had to keep on talking until you were sure you told him everything so that he had all the pieces. Just like a puzzle."

Maureen: "And then he'd work out the puzzle for you while you were asleep."

Dani: "Yeah, but that was kid's stuff Maureen. We're too old for make believe."

Maureen: "Yeah, I know".

It's funny how Dani is the fourteen year old girl and Maureen is the seventeen year old girl in this scenario.

Dani: "Maureen? What's it like to kiss a boy?"

Maureen: "It depends on the boy. You talking about anybody in particular?"

Dani: "I was just asking a question. Can't anybody ask a question around here?"

Maureen: "For starters, you let him kiss you if you like him. If you don't like him, just tell him that you're not that kind of a girl."

Dani: "What if you like him alot?"

Maureen: "Then you won't have to think about it. It will all come to you."

Dani: "You're not telling me anything. I need to know what to do."

Maureen: "Ok. Come on. First you'll kind of have to tilt your head to one side that's so you won't bump noses."

Dani: "Ok".

Maureen: "Would you loosen up. He's going to think you're scared of him. Ok, then kind of open your mouth just a little".

Dani: "Uh-uh". (Spoken like a true fourteen year old, well at least back in the 1950's which was the setting for this movie).

Sadly, nowadays kids are losing their virginity at fourteen instead of receiving their first kiss.

Maureen: "You wanted to know how. I'm telling you how. Look, practice on your hand, okay? That's it just keep practicing."

Dani: "Well, what if I forget what to do?"

Maureen: "Just do what you feel".

Dani: "If I do what I feel, I'll burst in a million pieces and go flying out into space".

Maureen: "That sounds to me like a good way not to get kissed twice".

Dani: "Maureen? Have you ever liked somebody so much it almost made you sick? It's like my stomach ties up in knots and I can't breathe and sometimes I think I'm going to throw up."

Maureen: "Well don't throw up, Dani. Whatever you do don't throw up."

Eventually, Dani did get her kiss and she didn't throw up. The scene between Dani and Court takes place down by the pond where they first met.

Dani: "I want you to be the first boy to ever kiss me."

Court: "I thought you said, you've been kissed so many times."(He leans down and kisses her gently which is appropriate for a seventeen year old boy kissing a fourteen year old girl.) "How was that?"

Dani: "Perfect."

Honesty is so refreshing. Here is one of my favorite scenes ever of Dawson's Creek because at its core the show was about sweaty palms and innocence. Dawson, played by James Van Der Beek approaches his dad played by John Wesley Shipp about the "mechanics of kissing".

Dawson: "Um I have a question. It's kind of a girl/relationship question and I don't want it to go to your head that I'm soliciting fatherly advice or anything. But I clearly don't condone yours and mom's perverse sex life. But I'm not too proud to admit that my own inexperience is hindering my current female relations."

Mitch: "Well, what's the question?"

Dawson: "Mechanics of kissing."

Mitch: "How can I help?"

Dawson: "Well, I'm interested in technique."

Mitch: "Well, there is no technique Dawson. You just put your lips together and go".

Dawson: "Yeah, but what makes a good kiss?"

Mitch: "The first time I kissed your mother and we were out on a boat and your mother's lips were chapped from the sun and she asked me if she could borrow my chapstick so I took it out and I put some on my lips and then I leaned over and kissed her. The chapstick was really smooth and just slid onto her lips. The sensation was amazing. I mean, the chemistry was already there, you know? But this was just one of those things that cemented it. It was unforgettable and most of all it was romantic. It's all about the romance. And Chapstick".

As Dawson and his dad were discussing the "mechanics of kissing", Joey played by Katie Holmes was climbing up the ladder into Dawson's bedroom. If you know anything about Dawson's Creek, you know that "the ladder" is very significant. She walks through the room and hears Dawson and his dad talking downstairs in the living room. She kneels down and puts her hands around the rails of the banister and leans her head between the middle of them, eavesdropping on their very private and personal conversation. Joey has quite a crush on Dawson so this is a conversation that she is very interested in because she has daydreamed for quite sometime about Dawson kissing her. The only obstacle being that Dawson is thinking about kissing his girlfriend, Jen from New York City that Joey, small town girl cannot possibly compete with so she thinks.

Dawson: "But the kiss itself? What did you do?"

Mitch: "Well here give it a try."

This is the part in which the writers did such a fantastic job. Mitch Leery, Dawson's father picked up a head that was fashioned to look like Joey because it was kind of her "stunt double" when she got her pretend head chopped off during Dawson's scary film, "Sea Creatures from the Deep".

Dawson: "No."

Mitch: "Well come on this is a big father-son moment here."

Dawson: "You asked for it."

Mitch: "All right."

Dawson: "All right".

Mitch: "Now moisten your lips. And go for it".

Dawson: "Dad this is ridiculous".

Mitch: "Wait the trick is, it's your bottom lip you've got to keep it relaxed, all right? You...want to let it have a mind of its own. You want it to dance with hers."

Dawson: "Okay."

Mitch: "Close your eyes".

Dawson leaned down and kissed the doll's head's lips as unbeknownst to Dawson Joey watched from afar and closed her eyes instinctively imagining that Dawson was really kissing her.

Mitch: "That was good."

Dawson: "Yeah?"

Mitch: "Yeah."

Dawson: "Cool. Um...forget this ever happened?"

Mitch: "All right."

Dawson: "Thanks."

Then at the end of Season One the big moment presented itself and Dawson finally did kiss his best friend Joey.

Joey:"Dawson I am so tired of dancing around these big words. I just want to be honest with you."

Dawson: "Joe, more than anything I just want to be honest."

Joey: "You think we're ready for that honesty?"

Dawson: "Yeah I do."

Joey: "Are you sure? Because honesty is a big word and it changes things and it complicates things. Are you sure you're ready for everything that goes along with telling the truth?"

Dawson hesiates and Joey searches his eyes.

Joey: "I'll see ya Dawson."

Dawson: "Joey. Joey"

Then they kiss as the camera makes it's way out of his bedroom into a wider shot where all you see is the silhouettes of Dawson and Joey with their arms wrapped around each other and their lips locked together. Season Two begins the same way because as we all know "a kiss" is usually just the beginning and real feelings get involved. After that first kiss, things start to change, and an emotional attachment ensues. Dawson described this kiss between he and Joey to Pacey as Pacey was about to embark on his own romance with Andie, which was one of my favorite pairings of the entire series. Dawson said, "It was the sweetest most romantic, 4th of July firework-y,waves crashing on the shore beyond any movie I could ever imagine kiss." Now that is some kiss.The next day Joey has a talk with her sister, Bessie about the first kiss and the agonizing and overanalyzing that goes into the anticipation of being kissed again.

Bessie: "Hi What are you doing here?"

Joey: "Nothing. Just thinking about tonight."

Bessie: "Oh the date. This will be interesting. Hey, what's wrong?"

Joey: "I don't know it just seems weird. I mean Dawson and I on a date? Doesn't that seem weird to you?"

Bessie: "Well, was it weird when you kissed?"

Joey: "No, no that--that felt pretty right. But the thing is it hasn't happened since and that was yesterday."

Bessie: "Well, that's not unusual. The way I see it the second kiss is always tougher than the first one."

Joey: "We actually kissed more than once that night."

Bessie: "Yeah, but it only counts as one. And that first kiss? It's the passionate one. It's the one fueled by desire, and attraction and all that. But the second kiss is rational. You've got time to think about it to worry and overanalyze. Most women they prefer that first kiss, but I'm partial to the second one because it's about something more. You'll get that second kiss Joey and when you do it'll be great. It'll be real. It'll be wonderful".

I've never really thought about it like that. It is a very interesting perspective. I just know that the second kiss is alot easier because you just kind of sink into it. It becomes something more than worrying about the technicalities of bumping noses and how to move your head or even making your bottom lip dance.

Then comes those agonizing drought periods where you aren't being kissed. In Season Three of Dawson's Creek, Joey is going through one of these frustrating drought periods. The scene takes place at a carnival between Joey and Jack who interestingly enough Joey used to date before he realized he was attracted to the same sex. I always liked their dynamic.

Jack: "Where were you?"

Joey: "None of you business".

Jack: "Lost in X-rated thought? Come on tell me."

Joey: "Okay, but promise you won't laugh. I was thinking about...kisses."

Jack starts laughing.

Joey: "Forget it."

Jack: "No, no it just sounds funny coming from the girl who decided to throw away relationships while in pursuit of her true self."

Joey: "I know. Sometimes, I'm sorry I ever said that. I mean...but I'm being honest with you to the point of utter humiliation...I miss the kissing part and I like to think I'll get kissed again before the millenium comes and goes".

Jack: "It'll happen." (Jack sees a physic booth set up in the distance.) In the meantime, why don't we find out when that elusive next kiss is going to find its way to your lips?"

Fastforwarding to Season Four, Dawson was leaving the next day to go to film school. The moment was so overwhelming that Dawson and Joey kissed for the first time in a long while. Joey was talking about her all time most life-altering moment and she said it was when Dawson decided to kiss her. She said, "It's a pretty powerful thing when you get your biggest wish in one moment". For her assignment the next fall at the beginning of Season Five, she decided to write a story about that kiss entitled "The Kiss". Professor Wilder was reading it to the class. This scene picks up in the middle of the story.

"And then just like that, they were kissing. She didn't know how they got there. She had no idea. The thought of kissing this boy hadn't crossed her mind in years which was weird because once upon a time that was all she ever thought about. And then, just like that it was over. He coughed. She shuffled her feet. And she laughed to herself. It had been one of those moments. One of those moments when you shuck your status as mere mortal and achieve however briefly, true greatness. She had shared many such moments with this boy. But now, He was leaving and nothing would ever be the same again."

Let us rewind to Season Two for a moment. Dawson was struggling with the possibility of his parents separating. He and Joey had not been dating for very long and they were sitting on the roof of his house.

Dawson: "Hey look up in the sky. What do you see?"

Joey: "The moon?"

Dawson: "No, no Look at the moon. Now close your eyes. Now what do you see? It's the man."

Joey: "Who?"

Dawson: "It's the man, remember?"

Joey: Oh right--right--right--right. The Man in the Moon. I get it. But wait."

Dawson: "What?"

Joey: "It's not a man, Dawson. It's a woman."

I sure do miss the playfulness and the sillyness. I am a grown-up as much as I protested. It is just comforting to think back to when things were simple like that. When we believed in magic and "The Man in the Moon". In the movie, "The Man in the Moon, Dani told Maureen she wished that she could still talk to the man. Someone once said, "It's the good girls who keep diaries, the bad girls never have the time."I am definitely one of the good girls, like Joey. I have journals that chronicle the big moments in my life such as my very first kiss. I can just close my eyes and envision it. As scared as I was back then, it was a moment that I will always remember. He definitely made it a memorable even though he wasn't wearing any chapstick.

Sometimes, guys don't have any more of a clue than "The Man in the Moon" when it comes to a girls' feelings about them, kissing, and romance. So I thought that it would be interesting to take the journey of the kiss because once a kiss lands on your lips it is only just the beginning, which begs the question, "Is it the kiss itself that is so important or the journey of the kiss?" In cinematic terms, a kiss at least with the right person is definitely the climax, but the journey of the kiss is what builds up the excitement, the drama, and the anticipation in which every single time we hope for a happy ending. At least I hope for a happy ending. A kiss is an outward expression of inward feelings that starts in the pit of your stomach producing gargantuan butterflies and if you are really lucky finds its way into your heart. After all as Alberto Carlos Campos once said, "I feel worthy of every kiss I laid upon you for in each of them went part of my heart." As Mitch Leery said to Dawson, "It's all about the romance." Just ask "The Man in the Moon."

ENTERTAINING ANGELS

The last couple of weeks have been difficult to say the least. Two months ago, my mom's dear friend, Sandy or as her grandkids call her Sassy, was diagonosed with colon cancer. Two weeks later, she underwent surgery to remove three feet of her intestines. The doctor who performed the surgerical procedure told her that her conditon required no further treatment just strict monitoring for the time being. Sandy got a second opinion and went to see an oncologist who prescribed chemotherapy orally. She had been taken the chemo pill for two weeks when she became severly dehydrated and had to be hospitalized. She had to be put on a ventilator and the nurse inserted a feeding tube. There were hopeful times when we thought that she would pull through it.

We were baffled here on earth;however, God in heaven was carrying out His master plan. On the morning of July 31, 2006, an angel came to visit Sandy and carried her to her eternal home. Here on earth, we are sad. We miss her. She was survived by her two children and three grandchildren in whom will carry on this lovely lady's legacy. Melinda said that she has big shoes to fill. She does indeed. I asked my Mom, "Why did God take Miss Sandy? "She exuded joy". Here on earth, joy is scarce,but in Heaven joy is abounding. Here on earth, we are weeping and mourning the loss of a precious mother and friend. In heaven, they are rejoicing.

At Sandy's funeral, my best friend's dad who is the preacher of that church, read from Miss Sandy's beloved book, the Bible. It had been well read. He read a message that she had jotted down in the margin. He read, "My quest for joy ends with Jesus". She had a heart that was totally at peace with God. Mr. Winter spoke of Miss Sandy with high regard. "She had a special way of tapping into the emotional hurts of others". She certainly did. She has helped and supported me immeasurably in all that I ever did or could imagine. She was one of my biggest fans. She will truly be missed until the day that we see each other again in heaven.

In my own selfishness, it is hard to lose someone who unwaveringly cheered me on and was always in my corner. I was saddened when I suddenly realized that Miss Sandy who was like a second mom to me, would not be here to celebrate my wedding day or the birth of my children. I would have loved for her to be here for all of that. I cannot help, but think that losing Miss Sandy would have been made a little easier had she been here to offer her inner strength. She was full of life and vitality. She had many friends and she never met a stranger. Her door was always open. She always had time to listen and pray with anyone. She was a rare person who willingly gave of herself. Hebrews 13:2 says, "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it". She lived out "The Great Commission". Matthew 28:20 says, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of th Son and of the Holy Spirit, and leading them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age".

Now she has had the sunset of her life. Her brilliant colors have been left behind to comfort us. She led an exemplary life. She has and always will be someone who I will always deeply admire and highly respect. She seemed to take everything in stride. 2 Timothy 4:7 says, "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept my faith". I just finished reading, "One Tuesday Morning" by Karen Kingsbury and as I was reading I thought about Miss Sandy because the book's theme is how one life can profoundly affect another even through death. Miss Sandy profoundly affected my life in so many ways.

The last time I ever saw her, she was lying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and my Mom let her know that I was there to visit. She opened her eyes and smiled at me. I am waiting for a rush of good memories. There are many times when Miss Sandy has been there for me sympathizing with my struggles and rejoicing in my triumphs. Her earthly body is in its final resting place, but her spirit is with the Lord. Phillippians 1:21 says, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain". She has left her imprint on many hearts. Once someone wrote anonymously, "Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never ever the same". This quote so reminds me of Miss Sandy. Her legacy lives on, here on earth. I know without a shadow of a doubt, she has gone to her mansion in the sky. She is walking on the streets of gold with glad jubilation praising God Almighty and entertaining angels.

I know that Miss Sandy would have liked for us to remember her in life instead of death. This song shows that death does not have to have the final word. She lived a life that was completely sold out for Jesus Christ and now she is in heaven enjoying eternal life victoriously.

"Brad Paisley - When I Get Where I am Going" When I get where I'm goin' On the far side of the sky The first thing that I'm gonna do Is spread my wings and fly 2nd Verse I'm gonna land beside a lion And run my fingers through his mane Or I might find out what it's like To ride a drop 'a rain Chorus Yeah, when I get where I'm goin' There'll be only happy tears I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years And I'll leave my heart wide open I will love and have no fear Yeah, when I get where I'm goin' Don't cry for me down here 3rd Verse I'm gonna walk with my Grandaddy And he'll match me step for step And I'll tell him how I've missed him Every minute since he left And then I'll hug his neck (Repeat Chorus) Bridge So much pain and so much darkness In this world we stumble through All these questions I can't answer And so much work to do Tag Chorus But when I get where I'm goin' And I see my Maker's face I'll stand forever in the light Of His amazing grace Yeah, when I get where I'm goin' (Oh when I get where I'm goin') There'll be only happy tears (I love you, yeah) I will love and have no fear (Yeah, when I get where I'm goin') Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'

BEAUTIFUL AMBITION

Everyone possesses their own unique gifts and talents to contribute to the world. There are many different ways in which to express ourselves. Art, filmmaking and writing are among the many modes of self-expression.

I have been known to use dialogue from Dawson’s Creek and One Tree Hill for inspiration and this blog will be no exception. During the fifth season of the beloved teen drama series, Dawson’s Creek, Dawson has an encounter with Amy Lloyd who is a film critic for the Boston Weekly. She has come to review his movie. In the scene they are sitting in a coffee house where he is trying to persuade her to watch his movie.

Dawson: “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I am not quite sure that it’s done. I mean, all the pieces are there. All of the elements are there. But there’s something about it that just feels kind of… Oh, something that just kind of feels incomplete.”

Amy Lloyd: “What is it about to you?”

Dawson: “I don’t really know how to answer that question. Umm I’ve had this truly bizarre, life altering year. I dropped out of USC to be with this girl who I’ve loved in one way or another for pretty much my whole life. Then my father died, which completely rocked my universe. And then I jumped head first into this really intense relationship with this other girl. And we just broke up and the movie had nothing to do with any of these things. But in a way it has to do with all of them. I feel like I put everything I am into making this film. I’m sorry. I’m rambling”.

Amy Lloyd: “Don’t be sorry. That is actually a movie that I would really like to see.”

Dawson: “Really?”

Amy Lloyd: “Yes. Anything imbued with that much passion and heartbreak sounds far more interesting than half the dreck that is currently taking up space in our nation’s multiplexes”.

Dawson: “This movie, for me, it kind of, held my life together when I needed it most. It forced me to be brave and made me strong”.

Amy Lloyd: I’m about to have an insight here.”

Dawson: “Okay”.

Amy Lloyd: “It’s not the movie you’re afraid is incomplete. It’s you. And you should be afraid of that because you’re not complete, not yet. In fact, you may never be. But you keep looking, and making movies, and showing them to people, and that’s what being a filmmaker is.”

Dawson: “Good Insight.”

Amy Lloyd: “I have my moments.”

Amy Lloyd: “What do you say we go watch ourselves a movie?”

Dawson: “Okay, well what if sucks? What if I completely wasted my time?”

Amy Lloyd: “If it sucks, I will tell you over coffee.”

Now there is no turning back. Dawson has to show this movie. I am sure that he is scared to let out that much of himself-his sweat, blood, and tears- out into the world. After all, there are very harsh and cynical critics out there. Paulina Kael once said, “The words “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”, which I saw on an Italian movie poster, are perhaps the briefest statement imaginable of the basic appeal of movies”. Below is Dawson’s impassioned speech to a roomful of people who are eagerly awaiting a great movie.

Dawson: “We are going to show this thing. Here’s the deal. It’s too long, the music is temp, the mix is unfinished, the transfer is ugly, and we still don’t have a title. But uh…what you’re about to see is a labor of love. For everybody in this room who gave of their time and their energy, and their talent. And, uh…we might be the only people to ever see this thing up on the screen, but it doesn’t matter because it is and it always will be a snapshot of who we are at this particular moment in time. So…brace yourselves. Roll it.”

The truth is I can relate to Dawson. I also have created something in which I would like the world to embrace. Instead of making a film of which I would not have the first clue how to go about making a movie, I wrote a manuscript and sent it off for publication. Toni Morrison once said, “If there’s a book you really want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it”. I am sure that some of its readers will be harsh and cynical critics. Everyone is not going to like my book. It is a fact that I and any other writer, or artist, or filmmaker must face and accept. We can only write, or paint, or create a story from our own unique points of view.

I have also discovered that I am my own worst critic. On One Tree Hill, there is a character by the name of Peyton. She is a very talented artist. She makes a confession directed towards a character by the name of Lucas. Peyton confessed, “I want to draw something that means something to someone! You know, I want to draw blind faith, or a fading summer, or just a moment of clarity. It’s like when you go and see a really great band for the first time and nobody is saying it but everybody is thinking it. We have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling…but I can’t. And if I can’t be great at it, then I don’t want to ruin it”. That’s how I feel about my ability to write. I enjoy writing. It is a catharsis for me. However, I feel as though the times are rare that I capture lightning in a bottle which for me is the whole point. If I can’t capture that feeling when I write and often times I do not, I don’t feel like I accomplished what I set out to accomplish. Often times, my words on paper do not sound as well as they do in my mind. It somehow gets lost in translation. It frustrates me to no end when I cannot execute my vision! Paul Bourget once said, “Ideas are to literature what light is to painting”.

I have been in the midst of a truly soul searching year in which to discover my place in the world. It has been a year, to reflect on past experiences. For over a year now, I have been running in place for fear of what I might encounter on the long journey ahead. I have been treading water in an attempt to keep myself from going under. I am fighting the undertow, although I must admit that I have given it power over me. Insecurity is a fierce enemy. I have been plagued with self-doubt. I have been at a stand still, listening to those tiny voices inside my head, which have tried to convince me that I don’t have what it takes to be successful. The voices have tried to persuade me, to give up on my hopes and aspirations for the future. Like a broken record, those voices have told me over and over that I don’t have the endurance necessary to propel me to the finish line.

Often I have wondered if I possessed any gifts or talents in which to contribute to this dog-eat-dog world. I have been running on empty, with no place to go except inside of myself therefore taking a journey through the inner recesses of my mind. It is a scary place. I had psyched myself out. It was hard to believe that there were people in my life who still believed in me, when I no longer believed in myself. The fear of failure is quite crippling at times. Dawson was scared of failure. He was scared to fail at what he loves most, filmmaking. Am I afraid to fail at what I love most? Sure I am, but I must keep on trying, and raising the bar for myself. If there ever comes a time when I find that creating a story is no longer challenging, then I will lose interest.

There are times when I wish that it would be easier for me to verbally express myself. I am never at a loss for words when I write, but sometimes I can’t find the right words to say to express my feelings. I admire public speakers. I admire their bravery and courage to stand up at a podium among a lot of people and deliver these impassioned speeches. I am also very envious of those people who can draw or paint. After all, “a picture is worth a thousand words”. Joan Miro once said, “I try to apply colors like words that shape poems like notes that shape music”. We all have different talents whether or not we excel at the arts. We all find a way in which to shine. We all have our something. We all have our moments.

I am grateful for being talented. My book is a true testament to my ability to weave a story. Like Dawson’s movie, I feel like my book held my life together at a time when I was so uncertain of myself. And like Dawson, I put everything I am into writing that book. It is a constant reminder of the person that I used to be. Just like a picture, can evoke strong memories, my book reminds me of a more simplified time in my life. Joyce Carol Oates once said, “When we claim to “remember” our pasts, we are surely remembering our favorite snapshots, in which the long-faded past is given a distinct visual immortality”. My hope for its readers is that with every turn of the page, they will gain a sense of renewed hope and that they too can pursue their own dreams. Other authors inspired me to write. It is a very rewarding experience. It is very therapeutic, and cleansing. It is very self-gratifying. Jorge Luis Borges once said, “Writing is nothing more than a guided dream”. If only the rules of writing applied to life, then without a shadow of a doubt I would know that I was getting somewhere. It was a memorable life-altering moment when I realized that writing is my true passion. How often are our true passions revealed?

I would like to include another passage from the movie “Little Black Book” starring Brittany Murphy. I will not go so far as to say that watching a movie can be a life changing experience. I will leave that belief for the filmmakers. However, I will say that if you are paying close enough attention to a movie, and watch the story unfold you can find a message or a little gem of wisdom in which you can take with you. What follows is Stacy Holt’s monologue at the end of the movie.

“By fall, I was ready to try again. A little bruised, a little humbled and hopefully a little smarter. I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end…we don’t. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and from the peace that comes from knowing that you just can’t know it all. You know, life’s funny that way. Once you look over the wheel, you might end up right where you belong”.

I can really relate to that. I believe that I was destined to tell a story. John Sheffield once said, “Of all the arts in which the wise excel, Nature’s chief masterpiece is writing well”. I have ended up right where I belong; however the journey is far from over. I will keep searching, keep writing books, and publish them and that is what a writer is supposed to do. Maybe I write stories or blogs in attempt to try to reach some part of myself who still is a little skeptical about life. The more that I write, the easier the words seem to flow out of me. It is like standing before a wishing well, holding a bright and shiny penny, making a wish, letting it go, and hoping that the wish will come true. For me, writing is about releasing my suppressed feelings before an unsuspecting and scrutinizing audience hoping with all of might that that tiny piece of myself that has gone unnoticed or has been lost or has yet to be discovered will suddenly be recognized, appreciated, understood, found again and discovered. Writing has helped me fill in the blanks of the unanswered questions I have had about myself. Writing is a weapon that wards off the tiny voices in my head that try to convince me I am unworthy. It is a gift given to me by God. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “All writing comes by the grace of God”. Whether you like to paint, draw, make movies, act, sing, or even write these are all avenues in which to express ourselves and discover are place in the world.. For me, writing is a beautiful ambition.

THE SWEETEST SENSATION

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day that I started blogging. The very first blog that I wrote is entitled "The Whole Enchilada" located on the "Topaz Butterfly" site. It has been really interesting to take a look back and see how much has happened and how so many things about my life have changed in the span of just one year. I have kept up this activity now for a year. I will continue to blog for as long as the creative energy flows and as long as the little lightbulb goes off above my head. Hopefully, I will continue to keep what little audience I have as I continue to dive deeper into my ocean of emotion.

I thought that phrase "ocean of emotion" would be a nice segue into the subject of this particular blog which is matters of the heart. Yes, I know another blog about love and relationships. I know that it has all been said before; however, I have found a very interesting way to "paint this picture". It's summertime! Have you ever noticed how poets, songwriters, and society at large romanticize this time of year? I would like to cite some examples. Do you remember the song "Endless Summer Nights" by Richard Marx who is one of the most romantic recording artists to every come down the pike? Now, that song could definitely steam up some windows. "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?" was written by none other than the famous poet and playright William Shakespeare. In this song and this poem summer is most definitely romanticized.

Don't you wish that you could say what you really mean to say without disguising it behind all of the unnecessary obligatory subtext? If you really did say what you really meant to say then you would receive a truthful reaction in response. James Weldon Johnson once wrote, "The anticipation produced in me a sensation somewhat of bliss and fear". This particular quote by James Weldon Johnson describes exactly the sensation that starts in the pit of our stomachs when we suddenly develop "tip of the tongue" syndrome. We know exactly what we what to say, but we can't find the words to say it. We feel the bliss of the prospect of telling that special someone in our lives how we feel about them; however the fear moves in much like the tide washing away all of our high hopes of having our affections returned and taking our bravery and courage along with it.

The ones who haven't gone through a break up or some sort of emotional upheaval are very few and far between I am afraid. Those of us who have dried ourselves off from coming out of our oceans of emotion are hesistant and reluctant to jump back in with the excitement, wonder,and intensity that we had when we jumped in before as a result we play in the sand watching the tide going in and out, and the waves crash on the shore.

Why can't life be as simple as a boy and a girl playing in a sandbox together? When did life and love get so incredibly complicated and complex? It is about the same time in which puberty sets. It clouds our vision to see that life can be just as great as we imagine it to be as a kid playing in that cherished sandbox. We have a tendency to blame love for our mistakes, and our heartache. The truth is it is not what love does to us it is what we do to love. We can criticize, belittle and demean love when it doesn't work out for us letting our sandcastles with all of the details that define it that we have worked so hard on get washed away by the tide as we move farther and farther away from the shoreline. The beauty of a sandcastle is that it can be rebuilt. We take a time out or a breather as we wallow in our misery and self-pity.

At some point, we must get back in there. We must dive back into our oceans of emotion; however, there is a balance, a happy medium that we must achieve. There is such a concept as "too much too soon". We must be careful not to ride on our emotions or catch the wrong wave or we will inevitably "wipeout". Can you imagine for a moment the sweet sensation a surfer must experience when he finally rides out the wave navigating himself or herself through the pipeline? It is not our responsibility to overpower the waves in our lives; however, it is in the best interest of our relationships to follow through and ride out the wave. We must seize every opportunity that comes our way. We should not shy away from opportunities especially in relationships least we not discover who is the most compatible or combustible for us. Whatever the case may be. The point is we have got to dive in and explore all the possibilities. In Shakespeare's tragedy, Julius Caesar's Brutus has a line that reads like this: "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to the future. But omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves or lose the ventures before us".

I feel pretty confident as a writer. I have to go with the flow. I can't disturb the steady rhythmic river from which this post is flowing. Why else would I be staying up until almost 1:00 AM? It is because this tidal wave has come over me and I have to ride it out. Professor Hetson played by Roger Howarth said to Joey played by Katie Holmes in the sixth and final season of Dawson's Creek, "It can't be streams of consciousness if you are observing by the shores".

Maybe you have rested and recuperated from your nasty wipeout and you are thinking that you will lightly tread on tip-toe back down to the shoreline. You might even dip your toes into the edge of the water to remember the sweet sensation of falling for someone who has fallen just as hard for you. It is invigorating! Isn't it? There are fewer things on this Earth that can make you feel more truly alive than diving into an ocean of emotion. What are you waiting for? The next full moon? Maybe you figure that the moon moves the tides so maybe it will move you to make a bold move after all we are made up of seventy percent water. The sands of time are constantly in motion. Time stands still for no one, and eventually it will run out.

Sure, there are other aspects of life that can elicit sweet sensations such as writing these blog entires, but nothing can give you the rush or prompt the adrenaline to start pumping quite like falling in love. On another espisode of Dawson's Creek, Dawson played by James Van der Beek was visiting his artisitic Aunt Gwen played by Julie Bowen. They were talking. She said to him, "Before I die I want to know that I did at least one thing right-love someone. The rest of this is just an expression of that one thing". Build those sandcastles to the sky! Don't give up on love!

If a wave just so happens to come your way this summer, wait until the moment is right, take hold of your metaphorical surfboard and catch the wave. Sure, it is scary. In the movie "Bounce" starring Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck there is a line from that movie that reads like this: It's not brave, if you're not scared". There is always a possibility of a nasty wipeout, but don't let that slight chance loom over your head. Wipeouts just give you the necessary experience to catch the right "wave" and experience the sweetest sensation. Come on in the water is fine!

I thought about this song by John Mayer as I was writing this blog. It is called "Love Song for No One" on his "No Room for Squares" album. I hope that you like it as much as I do.

Love Song for No One by John Mayer

Staying home alone on a friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
Im jaded
I hate it

Im tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
Im not sure who Im looking for
Ill know it
When I see you
Until then, Ill hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

Im tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

Im tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Youll be so good
Youll be so good for me