The year was 1997. I graduated from high school and felt immediately pressured to find a job that would hopefully make ends meet so that I could attend a junior college and then make my way to a university. So suddenly my freedom was gone and this pesky thing called "responsibility" took its place. My maternal grandmother also died that summer. I went to visit her grave on Mother's Day just a few days ago. She had a tremendous impact on my life. She had a quiet strength about her that I so admired and respected. My brother Ben moved out of our house for the second time and as if that wasn't enough my best friend, Heather moved across town. An emotional upheaval had ensued on all fronts. One chapter of my life was closing and I was reluctant for another one to begin.
I was invited to go on a trip to Florida with a friend from my former school and her family. I jumped at the opportunity to rid my mind of the reminders that my life was changing and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I suppose, I had a nice enough time. As I mentioned in a previous post, I fainted at Sea World. I think it was my way of dealing with all of the changes in my life. Stress and I were getting to know each other on a first name basis. Through out that particular time in my life I learned that change was inevitable. John Steinbeck once wrote, "Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass". What I couldn't understand and what I still struggle with to this day is why change is necessary. Why can't things just stay the same? Why are we and our world constantly evolving? Hasn't anyone ever heard the expression, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"? Sigh. (Note to Self: "Take a deep breath").
Four years later, I found a group of people in which I could be myself. And I fell in love with one of them so deeply and completely that it took a long time for me to accept that that time in my life is over as well. He had a profound impact on my life twice. There are those people who gracefully exit your life and never return, and then there are those people who gracefully exit your life and make a surprise return through that secret and invisible revolving door. Then there are those people who just stick with you no matter what. Those people who you take for granted. I prefer these people. The people on whom you can depend, lean, and count on when push comes to shove. People like my best friend. Although, our lives have changed and evolved as we grew up and our now adults she still has my back and I still have hers no matter what. Now and always. Even though, there were a few fights that we have had over the years in which I thought we might not get past, but still no exit. Thank goodness.
After having said "goodbye" the first time to my first love, God put an amazing person in my life. She and her husband have been such a comfort and inspiration to me in ways they will never know. Thank you Cherrie. Just when I thought nothing could rock my world, she informed me that her husband was being transferred. Surprisingly, I took the move rather well. I can't think about the distance between us for too long or else it has a tendency to sadden me. We are still great friends and we talk on a regular basis; however, we are both keenly aware of the miles that separate us. I recently went to visit she and her family at their new home.
There are just some people like Cherrie and Heather who come with a bulit in welcome mat. I felt immediately at home with these people. Well, maybe not so much with Heather at first, but as my friend Matt says, "that's another blog for another time". Then there's Matt. He is a good tried and true friend. He had one of those built in welcome mats as well, but initially I couldn't see it because I was too foolishly wrapped up in my current emotional upheaval. "Hindsight is 20/20", so they say."What you see is what you get" with Matt. We all need people in our lives like that. He is actually one of those people who came through the revolving door. Thankfully by that time, I was ready and willing to put a welcome mat out for him.
Recently, an old childhood friend of mine, Natalie came through that revolving door. We were the best of friends in junior high and somehow we just fazed out. She started attending a new school and our lives went off in different directions. I am glad that life seems to have been kind to her. Maybe we can get to know each other again as grown ups and remember the children that we were. It is nice to have those people in your life who remind you of a time that was sweet and innocent. Natalie is one of those people.
Then there are those people who you sometimes regret leaving behind and at the same time know that it was time to move on for your own well being and state of mind. On the other hand, there are those people who have left you behind. People with whom you have somehow outgrown and vice versa. Maybe these people through no fault of their own just carry with them painful memories that you can't get past. By gones. Sometimes you have to let go of the things and even the people who have hurt you. Sometimes you have to be the one to make a graceful exit. I have had to bow out gracefully at times because I felt like I had no other choice or because I felt like I was someone's second choice. Being in the back of someone's mind, became less and less appealing to me when I finally realized that I deserved to be a top priority.
Jamey, my baby brother is about to go through a very significant transition in his life. What he has in his favor is his brothers and sisters who have gone before him who have "been there and done that". Making mistakes is just apart of life, but learning from our mistakes is a choice. It is a crucial choice that if in fact we don't want to repeat those mistakes we must learn from them.
There are people who have been in my life who are gone now, who I miss very much and who in different ways haunt me and who have supported, encouraged, loved, and even challenged me in their own unique ways. Now for the end of Joey's graduation speech, "The truth is, in time that's all we are going to be to each other anyway this population of memories. Some wonderful and endearing some less so, but taken together those memories help make us who we are and who we will be. So whether you are here with each other now or merely in each other's thoughts remember each other on that road ahead, and I hope that no matter where your travels lead you in this life, you'll always take Capeside with you". Next year, is my ten year high school graduation reunion and those people who have made graceful exits will re-enter some who carry "wonderful and endearing memories" and some who carry less than "wonderful and endearing memories".
We all have had to say "good-bye" to someone in our lives whether it be "merely distance or through death, a final "good-bye". More than likely, you think about these people that you have left behind or those who have left you behind. "I hope that wherever your travels, lead you in this life, you'll always take( fill in the blank) with you". My hope for Jamey is that he will be able to take those along with him on his journey who have made the greatest impact and who have made growing up a bit more bearable. Hopefully, as he matures more and more each day he will count his family, his sister (me) at the top of his list of the people on whom he can depend, count, and lean on when push comes to shove. Isn't it obvious how much I love my baby brother?
I hope that people my age can be a little less selfish when looking at the generation that follows us, thinking a little less about how so much precious time has passed us by, and a little more about paving a way for these young men and women who hold so much promise and potential within his or her grasp. Hopefully, those people who stand by us no matter what stage we are in our lives, can make it a little bit more bearable when other people make disappearing acts and graceful exits. Oh and one more thing, over the years I finally figured out why change is necessary. Change is necessary and not always a terrible thing because it is God's intent for us to be totally dependent upon Him. He needs us to need Him. However, that does not mean that we should not do our parts because we should do our parts. It just means that He will always be with us and He will never make a disappearing act or a graceful exit.
Whether or not you are still a part of my life, if you have had any kind of impact on me at all, rest assured you still have a place in my heart. Here is poem by E.E. Cummings (It reminds me of a true life love story- loves last tribute) and a duet by Sheryl Crow and Sting called "Always By Your Side" ( It is dedicated to a very special guy who no longer has a place in my life, but will always have a place in my heart) that has comforted me when thinking about my "population of memories".
"I Carry Your Heart with Me" by E.E. Cummings
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world ( for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
"Always By Your Side" by Sheryl Crow (Duet with Sting)
My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side
Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words i always fear
leaving you with only questions all these years
Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be
Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side
But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
But this isn't how it's really meant to be
Oh it isn't how it's really meant to be
Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side
2 comments:
another dawson's creek reference! ahem!!
Well, I thought that that particular reference tied the story together nicely. Don't you think TW?
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