LIE IN THE LULLABY

To be honest, I have been thinking about the material for this blog for awhile. Somehow it has not fully come together. It has not fully been woven in my mind. So I thought that if I just began writing, a muse of some sort would take over to fill in the details where my mind has drawn blanks. I will begin to write and see what unfolds. It is part of the anticipation waiting to see if I can weave a beautiful tapestry of thoughts together. Eloquence is not always so easily obtainable. Sometimes, it is difficult to create a word order that flows as eloquently as musical lyrics. Nevertheless, writing effortlessly is my goal every time I sit down at the computer.

All of us at one time or another have fallen under the spell of "the lullaby". As babies, lullabies were soothing and relaxing lulling us into dreamland, an escape from the world. We were protected in a cozy cocoon. Babies are calmed by rocking chairs, mobiles, pacifiers, stuffed animals, his or her parents' voices, and music among other things that allude me right now, but hopefully you are starting to pick up on the tune that I am whistling.

It is important that children are protected and nutured. Children should live in a safe environment and know that they are loved. They should not fear the world. They should be taught that instead of hiding from it, they should face it head on and try to conquer it or at the very least they should try to conquer their own fears. As adults, we know that it is easier said than done. When we were younger we had that possibility to be anything that we wanted to be. The dream was kept alive no matter what we were dreaming, but all too often when we enter adulthood and go out into the world some of those dreams that have been nutured since childhood are dashed.

This happened to me about a year ago. I became dillusioned by my chosen career. Sadly, I gave up and cut my losses; which is all fine and good except for the fact that I am scraping the bottom of barrel. My funds have dissipated. I thrive on setting goals for myself and challenges, but when I have not been pursuing a career the goals and challenges are not easily found.

This year I did publish a book. It was a dream that I have been dreaming since I was a teenager and I saw it to fruition. The only problem is the fruits of my labor have not been forthcoming. It seems all I have been producing lately, is spoiled or even rotten fruit which has been nothing of sustenance in which to grow, expand, and illuminate. Cognitively, I know I have got what it takes to survive and succeed. I just have a problem with letting those abilities burst forth from inside of me.

I have been tempted to crawl up into a ball and sing myself a lullaby. We all do. We lie in them. Sometimes, we even wallow in them and wrap a big cozy blanket around us so snug and secure like a big cozy cocoon of denial. Sure, it is a safe place and it does make us feel good. We revert back to being babies; however, babies are not capable of doing anything for themselves. They are helpless, but yet some days that is so much more appealing than actually giving a damn and trying. Some days it is easier to pretend that the world does not exist, that the bills are not piling up, that the days are not going by, and that if we just don't think about then it will go away instead of rising above the ashes of our failures and trying again.

The longer that we stay in that cozy cocoon of denial listening to those lullabies, the harder it is to break free from that suffocating cocoon and admit to ourselves that we have wasted so much time caught up in our "silent movies" and our "soundtracks". "You know that song that you sing to yourself so much that it becomes a soundtrack of your life and then you just stop singing it one day", were the words that Peyton said to Jake on One Tree Hill. His response, "because you want to stop thinking about the things that the song reminds you of." Maybe it is time to slam the lid on that internal music box which incessantly plays a tune that is so mesmorizing. Can we just turn it off as easily as we turn down the dial on the radio? Or the volume on our CD players? No, it is not. However, that does not mean that we give up and follow the sound of a tune that inevitably will lead us to our doom, a life void of anything on which to thrive much like the rats in "The Piped Piper. "Even Peter Pan out grew his Peter Pan syndrome", as Dawson was fond of saying on Dawson's Creek. Jewel said, in her song "Goodbye Alice and Wonderland" that "we grow fat on fantasy there is a difference between dreaming and pretending". We have to stop following that yellow brick road leading to "Oz" because it does not exist. It is make believe. We grow fat and lazy and listless. Some dreams are obtainable and some are not.

Dreams are hard to come by and they come true not free. Most of the time anything worth having in this life, comes at a high price at least anything of real value and most of the time we go off trying to catch those dreams kicking and screaming. Why do we have to be dragged kicking and screaming when it is the one thing we want most in the world? Well, the easy answer is we are too lazy to exert the energy to chase the dream and lack the passion and enthusiasm to capture it. Kahlil Gibran once wrote, "Your reason and your passion are the rudder...and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held in a standstill in midseas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining, and passion unattended, is a flame that burns to it's own destruction". The flame left unattended will burn out or catch on fire destroying everything in its path. Just like a candle's flame, our internal flames can burn out. Sometimes, we need someone to light the match again and sometimes we find the strength to do it ourselves finally facing the music and writing our own mantra in which to spur us towards victory. Maybe our mantras should be something like "Chariots of Fire" after all we are running a race towards the finish line. Some of us have dropped out of the race, it is only human to grow weary and commonplace. If we drop out of the race and we allow ourselves to be lulled into a deep sleep, how do we ever expect to achieve true greatness and the brass ring? When we find what we love, we must pursue it. When we discover our true talents and purposely squander them away it is like spitting in the face of God who has entrusted each of us with unique gifts.

On Dawson's Creek, Joey Potter liked to sit on the "sidelines of life". She liked to read about life, but was hesitant to participate in it. Eddie, played by Oliver Hudson once told her, "I thought life was about what you actually do instead of what you think about doing". Truthfully, I have the same problem because if I get in the ring, I am afraid that life is going to beat something out of me. Now that is honest. I am constantly giving myself pep talks on this very subject which has found its way into cyberspace. I guess that when I am reluctant to put on those boxing gloves, and when I fear that I am going to be the punchline instead of the knockout, I should listen to "The Eye of the Tiger" or something equally motivating. Lullabies are beautiful. They are a baby's best friend; however in contrast they can be an adult's worst enemy if we allow ourselves to get disillusioned and lie in the lullaby.

Here is Jewel's lyrics to "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland" which inspired this blog.

"Goodbye Alice In Wonderland"

[Verse 1:]
It's four in the afternoon
I'm on a flight leaving L.A.
Trying to think about my life
My youth scattered along the highway

Hotel rooms and headlights
I've made a living with a song
Guitar as my companion
Wanting desperately to belong

Fame is filled with spoiled children
We grow fat on fantasy
I guess that's why I'm leaving
I crave reality

[Chorus 1:]
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
What's been missing in my life

[Verse 2:]
I'm embarassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
But I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
But you did not

Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love
It can even turn monsters into
Angels from above

You forged my love just like a weapon
And you turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
You opened up my eyes

[Chorus 2:]
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind searching
what was missing in my life

[Bridge:]
Growing up is not an absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold
And Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told

[Verse 3:]
Ohh truth is stranger than fiction
This is my chance to get it right
And life is much better without all of those pretty lies

[Chorus 3:]
Ohh So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
And you can keep your yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
These are not tears in my eyes
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
I found what's missing in my life