REMEMBRANCE ROADS

Do you ever feel like just taking a drive? Clearing your head? Listening to music? Yesterday, I ventured out intending to run a few errands. There were some things that I needed to pick up including some CDs that I have had my eye on for awhile. Recently, I have started listening to Dashboard Confessional and Secondhand Serenade. As a loyal fan to the CW One Tree Hill, I decided to pick up a copy of "The Road Mix." Sometimes, a collection of songs is just what you need to put you in the right kind of mood, and obtain some much needed perspective.

As I was on my way to pick up the CDs, a thought crept up on me. I thought about the day that I had gotten out of school, my boyfriend and I had just split up, but I felt this overwhelming need to go and see him that day. It was if my car had a mind of its own, making turns effortlessly as if it had memorized the path. I wanted to tell him that life was too short to hold grudges. That night my ex-boyfriend who I was still very emotionally attached to got into a nearly fatal car accident. So yesterday I found myself steering my car down that familiar path, a path that I have not traveled in quite some time. I just decided to take the scenic route home. I even went by my old high school. Letting myself remember, I let the images of days gone by fill my senses like the gentle springtime breeze blowing outside welcoming the familiarity of every memory that filled my mind.

I found it ironic that the song playing off The Road Mix CD was called "Heartbeats". Taking those familiar paths, I felt my heart begin to beat faster and faster as every mile I traveled I came closer to bridging the gap between who I was and who I am now. Leaving South East Acres, where the boy who had had me at hello had lived, I decided to go on to the next boy's house who happened to be Will's best friend. It is not as racy as it sounds. Unable to find his residence, I drove on towards yet another boy's house. Unconsciously, I had created a pattern of boys that had taught me one thing or another about myself. As time has passed, I have not stayed in touch with any of these boys who are now men. As I went from stop to stop, I wondered about them, and their families. I wondered what they were doing with themselves, and if they were happy.

A sadness came over me when I woke up from my sweet euphoria. It is all in the past. These lives that I was remembering are no longer the lives that any of us lead. I suppose that is the down side of living in the same place all of your life, your past seems to follow you around, and even beckons you from time to time. My venture had all started with not such a warm and fuzzy memory, and became a journey through my mind. It is a tricky thing because I found myself longing for those innocent days where I led a fairly carefree existence. Our history can never be erased. I will never need a road map to my past. Although it is a blessing to have roots, at times I feel like I am standing still unable to look straight ahead always looking back in the rear view mirror desperately wanting to switch gears and put my car in reverse. However, the highway of life was not constructed that way.

I am very envious of the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional, Chris Carrabba, who with "a flip of his wrist" waved his hometown good-bye in his song "So Long So Long". I can understand why John Mayer asked "Why Georgia? Why?" He said in the lyrics to that song, "I want to put the car in drive, and leave this all behind". Sometimes, that is how I feel about where I grew up. It is funny. The song "So Long So Long" by Dashboard Confessional has made an impression on me, and in a sense I am sharing my own dashboard confessional. Sometimes, I wonder about going to a new place, and starting over, but I cannot escape myself or my memories. Although, the boys who lived in those houses have grown into men and no longer call those houses their "home", they will aways have permanent residency in my heart. From time to time, no matter how hard I try or whether I get in my car and take a drive or just take a simple journey through my own mind, I will travel down those remembrance roads.