I recently turned twenty-eight, and in some ways big and small it feels like I have only just begun to live my life. I am an introspective, self-reflective person, and I take things to heart. Marquis De Vauvenargues once said, "Great thoughts always come from the heart." I thought that I would share my thoughts of how I feel like I am perceived and how I actually view myself as a kind of owning up to my mistakes, my failures, and celebrating my triumphs. I would also like to share a glimpse of my world view. Is it not funny how all of our lives we are struggling to figure out who we are, how we are perceived by others, and how we fit into the grand scheme of things? Is it not the great riddle of our lives?
In my twenty-eight years, I have been blessed with some incredible people who have crossed my path, and people that I am proud to call my friends, true friends who actually have taken the time to get to know the "real" me-imperfections and all. I have been labeled "the good girl" especially by guys and men. What does that exactly mean? I am not sure that I even appreciate that label. Do not misunderstand me. I do not want to be labeled "the bad girl", but being labeled "the good girl" and "well-behaved" leaves little room for impetuousness, impulsiveness, and unpredictability all of which I would like to exemplify at various times. Instead I am perceived as straight-laced, level-headed, and predictable all of which I disdain. I have even been called a "drama queen" from time to time. My personal favorite is "reserved". Could there be a duller adjective in the English language? However, I do wear proudly the label of being one-of-a-kind. I am also vulnerable, sensitive, and I bruise easily.
I am afraid that I come off as boring to some people and pretentious to others. I am afraid of actually "living my life" because if I actually "lived my life" I would shock people, and fall far beneath their expectations of me. The fact is I do not wear a halo. There are people in my life that I do not want to let down or disappoint who think very highly of me so I feel that I have to behave in a certain way to please them. I am a people pleaser, and there are actually very few and far between things that I do that would actually make me happy or so I think. However, from time to time I do follow an impulse. There are little things that I do to get in touch with that kid who lives deep in the heart of me like turning spontaneous cartwheels or jumping off the diving board. I miss that wide-eyed innocence. After all, I am just a great big kid at heart.
I follow the rules, but even I have broken a rule or two from time to time. I am far from perfect. I would make more mistakes on purpose, if I didn't feel like it would take me a lifetime to "right" my wrongs. There are some things we just can't take back. There are no "do-overs" in life. I watch some people go after what they want, and get it, but not even appreciate what they have when they do. I have watched people make mistake after mistake in their lives, and they never seem to learn from them. A “little bad" can go a long way, and sometimes I get tired of being "so good". It is hard to be good sometimes. It is hard not to stoop to some else's level when they hurt you, when they criticize you for your morals and values. I get tired of being the bigger person, and struggle with the idea that if I cheated just a little, or cut corners I could be the one who got what she wanted, and come out on top just for once. The opposite sex perceives me as "the good girl". It seems to be the only thing they see- the list of perfectionism ad nauseum, but there are so many more things on my list. There are so many more facets, gadgets, and gizmos to me than what is perceived by the naked eye.
A good friend sent me a tree analogy the other day via email. It said, "Girls are like apples, the good ones are at the top, but the guys choose the ones that have fallen from the tree, because they are scared of falling if they climbed to the top". There is an ending to that story that says, “One day that right guy will come along and climb to the top and hand-pick "the good girl". I am ready for that ending, that happy ending in fairytales which in life would be a welcomed beginning. Another good friend the other day was sharing her "fairytale" with me. She said that "It didn't happen the way I thought it would happen. I perceived a fairytale when in reality our story is more down to earth and humanized." Nicely put. Contrary to popular belief, I do not want a fairytale. I want the "down to earth and humanized story". I want someone to hand pick me for me, and not for "the good girl" persona they perceive.
There is always some distraction whether it is forbidden fruit that has fallen from that tree or an ex-girlfriend that rears her ugly head. I know that there is an attraction for "the unavailable, impossible, unreachable" aspects of life. I have also felt that pull towards taboos, mysteries, and the dark side. I actually do have a wild side, but I rarely let myself walk over to it; however, it is there. I do struggle with my ideals and desires. Does not everyone? Are we not all human?
There are some lines no matter how alluring or exciting we were never meant to cross. There is right and wrong. There are shades of gray. There is black and white. There are some "black" and "whites" that are not negotiable. We have the right to draw our own lines in the sand, but it does not mean that it falls under justification for the choices that we make. Antoine De Saint Exupery once said, "It is only with the heart that one sees rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." It is near to the impossible to make that connection between the heart, and the head, and sometimes even our hearts can steer us in the wrong direction unfortunately.
We cannot talk our way out of a downward spiral, and when we finally do come out we will not be unscathed or unchanged. If you have been blessed to live, twenty-something years then you inevitably have hurts, wounds, and scars from relationships and even family members that are too painful and run too deep to ever verbalize. We have the choice to move on from those battlefields where we have been wounded and heal or we can stay there and bleed to death. We all have that choice. We all have a purpose, and most of us take a lifetime to figure out what our purpose is. The bottom line is if we live a life that is pleasing to our Creator, then in the end that is all that matters. Why are we so quick to look over the scriptures that speak right to our hearts? The answer is because we know; we are not living a life that is pleasing and full-filling. There are times when we all must be gut-wrenchingly honest with ourselves.
So label me the "good girl" if you will. Don't take the time to get to know all of the depths that accumulate into who I am. Criticize and belittle my feelings and beliefs if you must. Rationalize and justify behavior than is less than who you are, and what you were meant to be. Believe me I am talking to myself because I am less than perfect. I do make mistakes; however, I believe that the things that I choose to do right, not because I necessarily want to do it, but simply because I know that is right, will one day pay off in a big way. My obedience will be rewarded. The reason that I have twenty-something candles on my cake, is because the Lord simply isn't finished with me yet. My story has yet to unfold although I am sure with lots of twists, turns, and hopefully that "down to earth and humanized” happy beginning. The difference between a non-believer and a believer is that we believers know that "fighting the good fight" is worth it in the end. E.E. Cummings once wrote, "To be nobody, but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
Candles represent the years of our life that we have lived. I want mine to represent a life that has been well-spent-miles traveled, and many valuable lessons learned. I want my life just like a candle to shine brightly and make a lasting impression on the people in which I cross paths. I hope to put another candle on my cake next year, and I hope that this year's wish comes true.
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