THAT ELUSIVE SOMETHING

That Elusive Something

2007-10-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

I am quickly approaching my twenty-ninth year, and in retrospect I have learned quite a lot this year about myself, and life in general. For instance, no matter what our circumstances we cannot let life hold us back from achieving our goals, reaching our dreams, and receiving blessings. If we all sat down to really consider what we do not yet have we all would probably have a list a mile long whether it be unanswered questions, a guy or a girl we would give anything just to look in our direction, a chance to start over, or just having everything be right in our own little worlds.

There are so many of the little things we have been blessed with that we overlook because we are too consumed with the big ones that for whatever reason are just shy of our reach. Those hurdles we are all faced with seem insurmountable, and yet we will never get to a good place until we jump over them whether they be our insecurities, trust issues, or simply having an overdue conversation with a loved one. Sometimes, I think it would be easier to capture lightning in a bottle or hold on to the innocence we have as children.

Recently, I read that children laugh five thousand times a day, and adults astonishingly laugh just five times a day. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we lose something a long the way. If I had to put my finger on it, and sum it up in a word that word would be wonder. If a person could find a way to capture a baby's smell, and bottle it then there would be no question that this hypothetical person would become a millionaire. What a funny paradox, if someone could become a millionaire by bottling up something as priceless as a baby's smell or a child's wonder!

I feel like I have grown up by leaps and bounds this year, no longer a child with child-like thinking or a teenager filled with angst, but an adult dealing with all the things that being an adult entails. Scary thought! I am excited about what the future holds: celebrating the last year of my twenties, and if God wills giving birth to another decade of my life.

There will never be a time in any of our lives when we have it all. Our lives were not designed that way. The author of the Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren once said, "Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, "which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others."

Maybe just maybe there are some good things to growing up after all. If we are paying attention, somewhere along the way we might just learn that it is not all about us. We might just learn a valuable lesson or two about how to be less selfish. No matter how hard we try some things will elude us. I can accept not always having answers because as a writer that is what keeps things interesting- that elusive something. We will all have triumphs and losses. Sadly, sometimes we waste years looking at a closed door allowing life to pass us by, and if we had moved on sooner we might just have that something that has eluded us. Just when we think we have taken two steps forward, something could occur that will make us take three steps back or shake our faith in God, humanity, and even ourselves. The trick is to stay tenacious, and not let any minor setback derail our vision. We all have in common the desire to reach for that elusive something no matter what it may be living through all of the breaths, smiles, and tears of our lives.

BEAUTIFUL MOSAIC

2007-07-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

I am constantly amazed at how God so faithfully breathes new life into my passion! These verses came to mind as the words began to flow from my heart: Matthew 28:18-20 "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Isaiah 64:8 "Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Proverbs 20:27 "The lamp of the LORD searches the spirit of a man; it searches out his inmost being." I am humbly honored to be used as a vessel to convey his message. I am in awe of how God reveals Himself even in the wee hours of the morning. It is much better than counting sheep!!!

BEAUTIFUL MOSAIC

The POTTER at His Wheel
MOLDING me, MAKING me

His purpose to fulfill
After His own WILL

My HEART He ENGRAVES
My SOUL He SAVES

My SPIRIT He sets FREE
My SAVIOR is He

The world says His WORD is prosaic
I KNOW His TRUTH will NEVER diminish

My UTMOST for His HIGHEST
I cannot deny
Until I meet Him in the sky

He COMMANDS that I say it
The POTTER at His Wheel

MOLDING me, MAKING me
Into His own IMAGE

His masterpiece
His BEAUTIFUL MOSAIC.

STRUCTURE AND PURPOSE

2007-05-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

Last winter, my childhood home underwent a major renovation. As the aged carpet got taken up with its stains, dust, and dirt exposing bare concrete beneath it, the inspiration for this blog emerged. To an outsider, my childhood home is nothing but a structure made of brick and mortar.

Over the years my house has had a little tinkering here and there, but it has never had this magnitude of a make-over. The concrete floors got to breathe a little after being smothered by a worn carpet that had accumulated a combination of dust and dirt over many years. The walls received a fresh coat of paint as well as the wooden cabinets which now adorn new hardware, and soon it will be the kitchen and bathrooms turn to get a much needed make-over.

My childhood home is a preservation of memories. Friends enter our home through the back door, and step foot into our kitchen where many a home cooked meal has been made, and many a tea bag has been brewed. My favorite memories of our kitchen are making home made play dough, and Thanksgiving day spreads. The counter tops have proved a great place to start a conversation. Adjacent to the kitchen is the family room where my older brother and I wrestled, and played "Steam Roller." Mama has this special tradition of putting up birthday banners for both my brother and me, and placing our cards on the hearth for the day. We could always find our colorfully and carefully wrapped presents with bright shiny bows placed on our designated side of the fireplace. Around the corner from the family room is a formal living area. For awhile, this is where the big screen T.V. resided. It proved to be great entertainment for my friends. Down the hall from the living area are the bedrooms. Ben and I shared a bedroom when we were younger. I can still picture the matching green bedspreads over our matching twin beds. Holidays are always a fun time to decorate my house. I have had more than one friend to comment on my Mama's extensive collection of snowmen that can be found stationed all around our house during the winter months. Our driveway has been a pathway for coming to and going out of our home. There have been a few people who have just passed through, and there have been others who stayed for awhile.

When the house was built over thirty years ago, its intent was to merely be a structure: brick, mortar, four walls, and a roof. A family makes a house a home. Over the years, this house became much more than merely a structure it became our home. A family gives a house purpose. Within these walls, we have built a history that will not diminish though the memories might fade. Within my home, is the place where I was nurtured and laid down roots for a strong foundation of love that I will carry with me no matter where I take up residency.

Time and time again, I can revisit this place that stores my childhood memories whether it be in body or merely in spirit. When it is time to purchase a house of my own for my family, I will not be looking for just a steady structure, but a house that has the potential to be a home filled with purpose.

REMEMBRANCE ROADS

2007-04-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like just taking a drive? Clearing your head? Listening to music? Yesterday, I ventured out intending to run a few errands. There were some things that I needed to pick up including some CDs that I have had my eye on for awhile. Recently, I have started listening to Dashboard Confessional and Secondhand Serenade. As a loyal fan to the CW One Tree Hill, I decided to pick up a copy of "The Road Mix." Sometimes, a collection of songs is just what you need to put you in the right kind of mood, and obtain some much needed perspective.

As I was on my way to pick up the CDs, a thought crept up on me. I thought about the day that I had gotten out of school, my boyfriend and I had just split up, but I felt this overwhelming need to go and see him that day. It was if my car had a mind of its own, making turns effortlessly as if it had memorized the path. I wanted to tell him that life was too short to hold grudges. That night my ex-boyfriend who I was still very emotionally attached to got into a nearly fatal car accident. So yesterday I found myself steering my car down that familiar path, a path that I have not traveled in quite some time. I just decided to take the scenic route home. I even went by my old high school. Letting myself remember, I let the images of days gone by fill my senses like the gentle springtime breeze blowing outside welcoming the familiarity of every memory that filled my mind.

I found it ironic that the song playing off The Road Mix CD was called "Heartbeats". Taking those familiar paths, I felt my heart begin to beat faster and faster as every mile I traveled I came closer to bridging the gap between who I was and who I am now. Leaving South East Acres, where the boy who had had me at hello had lived, I decided to go on to the next boy's house who happened to be Will's best friend. It is not as racy as it sounds. Unable to find his residence, I drove on towards yet another boy's house. Unconsciously, I had created a pattern of boys that had taught me one thing or another about myself. As time has passed, I have not stayed in touch with any of these boys who are now men. As I went from stop to stop, I wondered about them, and their families. I wondered what they were doing with themselves, and if they were happy.

A sadness came over me when I woke up from my sweet euphoria. It is all in the past. These lives that I was remembering are no longer the lives that any of us lead. I suppose that is the down side of living in the same place all of your life, your past seems to follow you around, and even beckons you from time to time. My venture had all started with not such a warm and fuzzy memory, and became a journey through my mind. It is a tricky thing because I found myself longing for those innocent days where I led a fairly carefree existence. Our history can never be erased. I will never need a road map to my past. Although it is a blessing to have roots, at times I feel like I am standing still unable to look straight ahead always looking back in the rear view mirror desperately wanting to switch gears and put my car in reverse. However, the highway of life was not constructed that way.

I am very envious of the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional, Chris Carrabba, who with "a flip of his wrist" waved his hometown good-bye in his song "So Long So Long". I can understand why John Mayer asked "Why Georgia? Why?" He said in the lyrics to that song, "I want to put the car in drive, and leave this all behind". Sometimes, that is how I feel about where I grew up. It is funny. The song "So Long So Long" by Dashboard Confessional has made an impression on me, and in a sense I am sharing my own dashboard confessional. Sometimes, I wonder about going to a new place, and starting over, but I cannot escape myself or my memories. Although, the boys who lived in those houses have grown into men and no longer call those houses their "home", they will aways have permanent residency in my heart. From time to time, no matter how hard I try or whether I get in my car and take a drive or just take a simple journey through my own mind, I will travel down those remembrance roads.

LOVE LETTER

2007-02-17T11:38:00.001-08:00

What do you think about when you hear the word love? Do you think about someone in particular? Do you think about your loved ones? Family? Friends? Is love merely a four letter word or can it really be defined at all? Does it become devalued on the commercialized holiday ahem...Valentine's Day? Can a person say "I love you" to someone he or she cares about so much that it loses its meaning?

I witnessed something quite special over the holidays. My Mom and I were running some errands, and she decided to go see one of her brothers. His grandson had just recovered from pneumonia. His immune system has been compromised by ALD (Adrenoleukodystrophy) which means that this particular disease eats away at the myelin in the brain. John Mark, my cousin has been saving his money to get a myelin transplant. Uncle Bob, my Mom's brother and Aunt Loretta, his wife lost a son several years ago to this very disease. Despite all of their heartache and grief, I witnessed something magical between them that is LOVE.

Just in the few minutes that I was around them, it was evident to me how much they love each other. I could tell by the way that they would look at each other that no matter what they had been through in the many years they have been married the spark was still there. It is so pure and so true. It is as if they have a special language of communicating with each other (heart to heart). It is like they have a sacred secret between them. The reason there marriage has sustained what life has thrown at them is because the foundation for their marriage is rooted in God. He sustained them, their marriage, and their love. Their love had not diminished in the face of uncertainty and calamity. It remained strong, and it is what saw them through the difficult times together. Perhaps Shakespeare came close to really zeroing in on what love means when he wrote the poem "Let Me Not to the Marriage of True Minds".

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

There are many different kinds of love. There is the love between two spouses like my aunt and uncle, and there is the love between a parent and child. The more I mature, the more I realize how much my parents love me. They brought me up to appreciate my family. They brought me up with the knowledge of my Creator. And as much as my parents love me, it is just a sample of how far, wide, and deep the Creator of the Universe and my being loves me. Wow! He loved me so much that he breathed air into my nostrils. I am His precious creation. We all are. Genesis 2:7 says "The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being." His love is the best love. It never alters and it never changes. It is called Agape love, and only God can love us with Agape love. 1 John 4:16 says "God is Love."

When I think of love in its truest form, I think of 1 Corinthians 13 affectionately called "The Love Chapter" or as I like to think of it God's love letter to us. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 says "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking , it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13 :13 says "And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

God longs to captivate us. Here are some verses that I believe speak right to the hearts of women:

Psalm 37: 4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 45:11 "The king is enthralled by your beauty."

Isaiah 61:1 "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted."

Song of Songs 4:7 "All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you."

Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

God's scriptures are full of his love for all of us! 2 Timothy 3:16 says "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness."As much as I love poetry and music, (waxing poetic and singing pretty melodies about love) they cannot even come close to God's Word, his love letter to each and every one of us.

PASSION PASSPORT

2006-12-22T12:36:00.000-08:00

Today I have been listening to my new Wrecker's CD. I was telling someone the other day how I am a lyric person. Some people enjoy the beat while others dissect the word on the page. I am one of those people who dissects the word on the page. Often, I wonder about songwriters. Why do they write the songs that they write? What is their story? Where have they been? What have they experienced? I have had my moments, and some I have shared in my blogs. I would like to say that I've had an ephinany, but the truth is I've been thinking about this for quite some time. What has lead me down this path of self-expression? What has lead me to discover my ability to write? This is a question with many possible answers, but in this blog I would like to focus on just one.

There was a guy. Yeah, I know what you are all thinking. There she goes again with a blog about love. Yes, I did love him. No, I am not still in love with him. He was my first love, and as they say you're first love never really dies. To make a long story short, we dated for awhile, and things got pretty serious. We came to the juncture of too much too soon, and reluctantly parted ways. Someone once said, "Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never ever the same."

Two years later, he came back into my life just as I was finishing my first year of teaching. Looking back, I was so enthusiastic about my chosen profession. It was hard, but I learned so much in so little time. I shared with him about some of my teaching experiences, and he seemed eager to know what had been going on with me in his absence. In my absence, he had gone back to school and was close to getting a degree in Respitory Therapy. He was a little older, and a little wiser. So was I. He was so passionate about his chosen course of study. It really made me happy to see him put forth such effort, and finally use the smarts that God has given him.

I began to second guess myself a little bit or least what I had chosen to do with my own life. His passion was infectious, and I started to envy that for myself. How could I get it? At one time, I had been enthusiastic about teaching, and even passionate, but somewhere in the middle of all the red tape my flame burned out. It was not an easy to admit to myself that I was no longer happy with teaching because I had spent so much time and energy-four and a half years in school to be exact. Once I admitted to myself that I was pretty miserable with my job, there were no easy answers. I had painted myself into a corner. There was only one avenue I had steered myself down, and that avenue lead me to teaching. Why had I limited myself so much when there were so many other possibilities and ventures to embark upon? Although, I was a good teacher I realized that I did not want to spend half my life surrounded by four walls in a classroom. What did I what to do? I had to find some answers. An old Chinese proverb says "The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. At times, the heart can be a reluctant traveler. Kahlil Gibran once wrote, "Your reason and your passion are the rudder...and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift or else be held at a standstill in midseas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion unattended is a flame that burns to its own destruction."

There is no road map for the road less traveled, but as Robert Frost once wrote, "it has made all the difference." In my pursuit of higher learning, I had forgotten about my childhood dream which was to be an author. Specifically, I wanted to write romance novels. The interesting thing is I had been working on a manuscript for quite awhile. Interestingly enough, Will's reappearance in my life gave me the courage to pursue my life long dream, and as an extra bonus gave me more fodder for my story. Working hard towards my goal, gave me an unexpected, but much needed perspective on the whole situation with my ex. Harold V. Pheldhart once wrote, "Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance toward the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point. Climb slowly, steadily, enjoying each passing moment, and the view from the summit will serve as a fitting climax for the journey."

I needed him to be there at that juncture in my life, but now our lives how gone separate ways again. In an indirect way, he helped me discover where my true passion lies. My passion is writing. I truly hope that he is happy with the decisions that he has made, and the course that he has chosen for his own life. I have learned that in life the journey is more important than the destination, and I am enjoying the journey. He contributed to me finding the one thing that outside of my faith gives me true joy. If it had not been for him resurfacing, and sharing his dreams with me, I might not have rediscovered my own. Unbeknownst, to him he stamped my passion passport, and now the sky is the limit.

TWENTY-SOMETHING CANDLES

2006-11-16T11:49:00.000-08:00

I recently turned twenty-eight, and in some ways big and small it feels like I have only just begun to live my life. I am an introspective, self-reflective person, and I take things to heart. Marquis De Vauvenargues once said, "Great thoughts always come from the heart." I thought that I would share my thoughts of how I feel like I am perceived and how I actually view myself as a kind of owning up to my mistakes, my failures, and celebrating my triumphs. I would also like to share a glimpse of my world view. Is it not funny how all of our lives we are struggling to figure out who we are, how we are perceived by others, and how we fit into the grand scheme of things? Is it not the great riddle of our lives?

In my twenty-eight years, I have been blessed with some incredible people who have crossed my path, and people that I am proud to call my friends, true friends who actually have taken the time to get to know the "real" me-imperfections and all. I have been labeled "the good girl" especially by guys and men. What does that exactly mean? I am not sure that I even appreciate that label. Do not misunderstand me. I do not want to be labeled "the bad girl", but being labeled "the good girl" and "well-behaved" leaves little room for impetuousness, impulsiveness, and unpredictability all of which I would like to exemplify at various times. Instead I am perceived as straight-laced, level-headed, and predictable all of which I disdain. I have even been called a "drama queen" from time to time. My personal favorite is "reserved". Could there be a duller adjective in the English language? However, I do wear proudly the label of being one-of-a-kind. I am also vulnerable, sensitive, and I bruise easily.

I am afraid that I come off as boring to some people and pretentious to others. I am afraid of actually "living my life" because if I actually "lived my life" I would shock people, and fall far beneath their expectations of me. The fact is I do not wear a halo. There are people in my life that I do not want to let down or disappoint who think very highly of me so I feel that I have to behave in a certain way to please them. I am a people pleaser, and there are actually very few and far between things that I do that would actually make me happy or so I think. However, from time to time I do follow an impulse. There are little things that I do to get in touch with that kid who lives deep in the heart of me like turning spontaneous cartwheels or jumping off the diving board. I miss that wide-eyed innocence. After all, I am just a great big kid at heart.

I follow the rules, but even I have broken a rule or two from time to time. I am far from perfect. I would make more mistakes on purpose, if I didn't feel like it would take me a lifetime to "right" my wrongs. There are some things we just can't take back. There are no "do-overs" in life. I watch some people go after what they want, and get it, but not even appreciate what they have when they do. I have watched people make mistake after mistake in their lives, and they never seem to learn from them. A “little bad" can go a long way, and sometimes I get tired of being "so good". It is hard to be good sometimes. It is hard not to stoop to some else's level when they hurt you, when they criticize you for your morals and values. I get tired of being the bigger person, and struggle with the idea that if I cheated just a little, or cut corners I could be the one who got what she wanted, and come out on top just for once. The opposite sex perceives me as "the good girl". It seems to be the only thing they see- the list of perfectionism ad nauseum, but there are so many more things on my list. There are so many more facets, gadgets, and gizmos to me than what is perceived by the naked eye.

A good friend sent me a tree analogy the other day via email. It said, "Girls are like apples, the good ones are at the top, but the guys choose the ones that have fallen from the tree, because they are scared of falling if they climbed to the top". There is an ending to that story that says, “One day that right guy will come along and climb to the top and hand-pick "the good girl". I am ready for that ending, that happy ending in fairytales which in life would be a welcomed beginning. Another good friend the other day was sharing her "fairytale" with me. She said that "It didn't happen the way I thought it would happen. I perceived a fairytale when in reality our story is more down to earth and humanized." Nicely put. Contrary to popular belief, I do not want a fairytale. I want the "down to earth and humanized story". I want someone to hand pick me for me, and not for "the good girl" persona they perceive.

There is always some distraction whether it is forbidden fruit that has fallen from that tree or an ex-girlfriend that rears her ugly head. I know that there is an attraction for "the unavailable, impossible, unreachable" aspects of life. I have also felt that pull towards taboos, mysteries, and the dark side. I actually do have a wild side, but I rarely let myself walk over to it; however, it is there. I do struggle with my ideals and desires. Does not everyone? Are we not all human?

There are some lines no matter how alluring or exciting we were never meant to cross. There is right and wrong. There are shades of gray. There is black and white. There are some "black" and "whites" that are not negotiable. We have the right to draw our own lines in the sand, but it does not mean that it falls under justification for the choices that we make. Antoine De Saint Exupery once said, "It is only with the heart that one sees rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." It is near to the impossible to make that connection between the heart, and the head, and sometimes even our hearts can steer us in the wrong direction unfortunately.

We cannot talk our way out of a downward spiral, and when we finally do come out we will not be unscathed or unchanged. If you have been blessed to live, twenty-something years then you inevitably have hurts, wounds, and scars from relationships and even family members that are too painful and run too deep to ever verbalize. We have the choice to move on from those battlefields where we have been wounded and heal or we can stay there and bleed to death. We all have that choice. We all have a purpose, and most of us take a lifetime to figure out what our purpose is. The bottom line is if we live a life that is pleasing to our Creator, then in the end that is all that matters. Why are we so quick to look over the scriptures that speak right to our hearts? The answer is because we know; we are not living a life that is pleasing and full-filling. There are times when we all must be gut-wrenchingly honest with ourselves.

So label me the "good girl" if you will. Don't take the time to get to know all of the depths that accumulate into who I am. Criticize and belittle my feelings and beliefs if you must. Rationalize and justify behavior than is less than who you are, and what you were meant to be. Believe me I am talking to myself because I am less than perfect. I do make mistakes; however, I believe that the things that I choose to do right, not because I necessarily want to do it, but simply because I know that is right, will one day pay off in a big way. My obedience will be rewarded. The reason that I have twenty-something candles on my cake, is because the Lord simply isn't finished with me yet. My story has yet to unfold although I am sure with lots of twists, turns, and hopefully that "down to earth and humanized” happy beginning. The difference between a non-believer and a believer is that we believers know that "fighting the good fight" is worth it in the end. E.E. Cummings once wrote, "To be nobody, but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

Candles represent the years of our life that we have lived. I want mine to represent a life that has been well-spent-miles traveled, and many valuable lessons learned. I want my life just like a candle to shine brightly and make a lasting impression on the people in which I cross paths. I hope to put another candle on my cake next year, and I hope that this year's wish comes true.

TOMORROW LAND

2006-10-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

Taking some time to re-evaluate my life's direction, I have met some pretty interesting walks of life along the way. Some of the people that I work with have enriched my life in different ways. There seems to be a handful of different "desk girls" making their debuts at different times. I have now been at my place of employment for a little over a year; however, it has been a very off-the-beaten path kind of year.

Sometimes I feel as though my life is in reverse instead of moving forward because I work with younger girls. These girls that I work with are either attending beauty school or a university. In fact, two of the girls attend the same university that I attended. It has been invaluable to reflect on that time in my life when everything and every experience was a new adventure and it was thrilling to venture into the unknown. I cannot remember a time since, that I have been as truly excited about my life as when I was a college student. I truly enjoyed it. I thrived on it. I thrive on working towards a goal.

Right now those things in my life that I am missing cannot be achieved. They only can be graciously accepted at the opportune time as a result of a little patience. Honestly, I feel as though my life is at a stand still because as much as I would like to go over some scenes in my life, I know that a rewrite is impossible. So I look at these girls with envy who are experiencing all the things that I miss about being younger. I am envious of these girls who have yet to figure it out. I am envious of these girls whose biggest problem is who to take to a sorority formal or studying for that big test. I truly miss it because I am reminded of how much time has passed me by since those sweet collegiate days. I miss those carefree days. I miss the freedom that comes with being a carefree college student. On One Tree Hill, Lucas once had a monologue that reads like this, "Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens, and we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever." I have had a few of those moments. I have had such moments of greatness where everything was right in the world. One of those moments was finally graduating from college.

I remember my college graduation day with fondness. My friend Jeb attended. He joined my family for lunch, and gave me a picture frame in which we were supposed to take a picture together for the frame. He also took me to a movie the night of my graduation. He was a friend. He is the best friend of my ex-boyfriend, hence dinners and movies and phone calls and such were as far as that relationship could go. College gave my best friend Heather and I an opportunity to take a class or two together. I lived off campus and she lived in the dorm; however, I think she spent the night with me every other night because she could not stand her roommates at least not her freshman year. I stayed with her some at the dorm as well, especially on "Chapel day". It was nice to just wake up and walk out the door and be on campus without having to drive my car.

I had a professor whose enthusiasm oozed out of him. He encouraged me and believed that I had what it takes to succeed. I will forever be grateful to him for his encouragement and faith in my abilities not only as a college student, but also as a productive citizen in society. His teaching went beyond the classroom into the real world preparing us for an uncertain future.

On a personal note, I even attended a dance called the "Cardinal Ball" with my ex-boyfriend. I had been looking forward to going to that dance. I could not believe the steal that I found at one of our local dress shops. My look blew my ex-boyfriend away who broke up with me three days before the much awaited dance. Drama! Drama! Drama!

In spite of all of those wonderful and not so wonderful things, I do not regret a single one of them. I might not have followed the script to the letter. I am sure there was some ad-libbing along the way. Even now I know wherein my futures lies. It lies within the Author's hands. The script has already been written. I have read many lines over the course of a four year education and at that an education in more ways than one. Every now and then I get nostalgic for those days just like I do for my childhood. They are apart of me. Joyce Carol Oates once wrote, "When we claim to "remember" our pasts, we are surely remembering our favorite snapshots, in which the long-faded past is given a distinct visual immortality."

After college, we trade in the hallways for the highways. Sometimes we lose our way because we have ventured into unknown territory or simply because we are too stubborn to stop and ask for directions or look at the road map. Sometimes we are going down a highway and have to change our course to avoid an accident or an obstacle or some sort. Sometimes we come to a fork in the road and are uncertain of which way to go. No matter what obstacle lies ahead, we have to just put our cars in drive, get on that winding highway with all its bumps and twists, move along, and keep driving. We might as well enjoy the beautiful scenery along the way. Learn from the bumps in our roads. Thank goodness for rest stops to reflect and re-evaluate the miles that we have already traveled and determine what path to take next. If we are wise, we will leave that to the ultimate Navigator.

I received a well rounded education. At times, it is sad for me to realize that I hold a degree that I no longer want to put to use. There are so many scripts out there. I just have to find the best one for me. The girls in whom I work with must find the right script for them as well. Just like these college students, we all anticipate a bright and friendly future. We all get a little impatient; however, as time goes on we find ourselves more and more looking back at previous chapters, re-reading a paragraph over and over, searching for some hidden meaning, and trying to find our purpose and a purpose for the co-stars in our lives. I can only hope that when these younger girls finish college they will still anticipate a bright and happy future and will look forward to their own "tomorrow lands". Although I may miss those days of burning the candle at both ends, I would not take back the wisdom and the lessons learned from my previous experiences. Like all grown ups I realize that the learning process is just that a long process in which the end results are products that we can utilize for a lifetime. However, the learning process never ends. My entrance into the "real world" still has not extinguished my flame of hope or my intrigue for "tomorrow land".

LIE IN THE LULLABY

2006-09-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I have been thinking about the material for this blog for awhile. Somehow it has not fully come together. It has not fully been woven in my mind. So I thought that if I just began writing, a muse of some sort would take over to fill in the details where my mind has drawn blanks. I will begin to write and see what unfolds. It is part of the anticipation waiting to see if I can weave a beautiful tapestry of thoughts together. Eloquence is not always so easily obtainable. Sometimes, it is difficult to create a word order that flows as eloquently as musical lyrics. Nevertheless, writing effortlessly is my goal every time I sit down at the computer.

All of us at one time or another have fallen under the spell of "the lullaby". As babies, lullabies were soothing and relaxing lulling us into dreamland, an escape from the world. We were protected in a cozy cocoon. Babies are calmed by rocking chairs, mobiles, pacifiers, stuffed animals, his or her parents' voices, and music among other things that allude me right now, but hopefully you are starting to pick up on the tune that I am whistling.

It is important that children are protected and nutured. Children should live in a safe environment and know that they are loved. They should not fear the world. They should be taught that instead of hiding from it, they should face it head on and try to conquer it or at the very least they should try to conquer their own fears. As adults, we know that it is easier said than done. When we were younger we had that possibility to be anything that we wanted to be. The dream was kept alive no matter what we were dreaming, but all too often when we enter adulthood and go out into the world some of those dreams that have been nutured since childhood are dashed.

This happened to me about a year ago. I became dillusioned by my chosen career. Sadly, I gave up and cut my losses; which is all fine and good except for the fact that I am scraping the bottom of barrel. My funds have dissipated. I thrive on setting goals for myself and challenges, but when I have not been pursuing a career the goals and challenges are not easily found.

This year I did publish a book. It was a dream that I have been dreaming since I was a teenager and I saw it to fruition. The only problem is the fruits of my labor have not been forthcoming. It seems all I have been producing lately, is spoiled or even rotten fruit which has been nothing of sustenance in which to grow, expand, and illuminate. Cognitively, I know I have got what it takes to survive and succeed. I just have a problem with letting those abilities burst forth from inside of me.

I have been tempted to crawl up into a ball and sing myself a lullaby. We all do. We lie in them. Sometimes, we even wallow in them and wrap a big cozy blanket around us so snug and secure like a big cozy cocoon of denial. Sure, it is a safe place and it does make us feel good. We revert back to being babies; however, babies are not capable of doing anything for themselves. They are helpless, but yet some days that is so much more appealing than actually giving a damn and trying. Some days it is easier to pretend that the world does not exist, that the bills are not piling up, that the days are not going by, and that if we just don't think about then it will go away instead of rising above the ashes of our failures and trying again.

The longer that we stay in that cozy cocoon of denial listening to those lullabies, the harder it is to break free from that suffocating cocoon and admit to ourselves that we have wasted so much time caught up in our "silent movies" and our "soundtracks". "You know that song that you sing to yourself so much that it becomes a soundtrack of your life and then you just stop singing it one day", were the words that Peyton said to Jake on One Tree Hill. His response, "because you want to stop thinking about the things that the song reminds you of." Maybe it is time to slam the lid on that internal music box which incessantly plays a tune that is so mesmorizing. Can we just turn it off as easily as we turn down the dial on the radio? Or the volume on our CD players? No, it is not. However, that does not mean that we give up and follow the sound of a tune that inevitably will lead us to our doom, a life void of anything on which to thrive much like the rats in "The Piped Piper. "Even Peter Pan out grew his Peter Pan syndrome", as Dawson was fond of saying on Dawson's Creek. Jewel said, in her song "Goodbye Alice and Wonderland" that "we grow fat on fantasy there is a difference between dreaming and pretending". We have to stop following that yellow brick road leading to "Oz" because it does not exist. It is make believe. We grow fat and lazy and listless. Some dreams are obtainable and some are not.

Dreams are hard to come by and they come true not free. Most of the time anything worth having in this life, comes at a high price at least anything of real value and most of the time we go off trying to catch those dreams kicking and screaming. Why do we have to be dragged kicking and screaming when it is the one thing we want most in the world? Well, the easy answer is we are too lazy to exert the energy to chase the dream and lack the passion and enthusiasm to capture it. Kahlil Gibran once wrote, "Your reason and your passion are the rudder...and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held in a standstill in midseas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining, and passion unattended, is a flame that burns to it's own destruction". The flame left unattended will burn out or catch on fire destroying everything in its path. Just like a candle's flame, our internal flames can burn out. Sometimes, we need someone to light the match again and sometimes we find the strength to do it ourselves finally facing the music and writing our own mantra in which to spur us towards victory. Maybe our mantras should be something like "Chariots of Fire" after all we are running a race towards the finish line. Some of us have dropped out of the race, it is only human to grow weary and commonplace. If we drop out of the race and we allow ourselves to be lulled into a deep sleep, how do we ever expect to achieve true greatness and the brass ring? When we find what we love, we must pursue it. When we discover our true talents and purposely squander them away it is like spitting in the face of God who has entrusted each of us with unique gifts.

On Dawson's Creek, Joey Potter liked to sit on the "sidelines of life". She liked to read about life, but was hesitant to participate in it. Eddie, played by Oliver Hudson once told her, "I thought life was about what you actually do instead of what you think about doing". Truthfully, I have the same problem because if I get in the ring, I am afraid that life is going to beat something out of me. Now that is honest. I am constantly giving myself pep talks on this very subject which has found its way into cyberspace. I guess that when I am reluctant to put on those boxing gloves, and when I fear that I am going to be the punchline instead of the knockout, I should listen to "The Eye of the Tiger" or something equally motivating. Lullabies are beautiful. They are a baby's best friend; however in contrast they can be an adult's worst enemy if we allow ourselves to get disillusioned and lie in the lullaby.

Here is Jewel's lyrics to "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland" which inspired this blog.

"Goodbye Alice In Wonderland"

[Verse 1:]
It's four in the afternoon
I'm on a flight leaving L.A.
Trying to think about my life
My youth scattered along the highway

Hotel rooms and headlights
I've made a living with a song
Guitar as my companion
Wanting desperately to belong

Fame is filled with spoiled children
We grow fat on fantasy
I guess that's why I'm leaving
I crave reality

[Chorus 1:]
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
What's been missing in my life

[Verse 2:]
I'm embarassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
But I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
But you did not

Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love
It can even turn monsters into
Angels from above

You forged my love just like a weapon
And you turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
You opened up my eyes

[Chorus 2:]
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind searching
what was missing in my life

[Bridge:]
Growing up is not an absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold
And Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told

[Verse 3:]
Ohh truth is stranger than fiction
This is my chance to get it right
And life is much better without all of those pretty lies

[Chorus 3:]
Ohh So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
And you can keep your yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
These are not tears in my eyes
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
I found what's missing in my life

THE WANDERING YEARS

2006-09-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

Walter Smith once said,"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein." That is what I feel like I do every time I write, but in my case I sit down at a computer. I have been teased endlessly by my friends some more than others, about my addiction to Dawson's Creek. For whatever reason, here lately I have been running it on a continuous cycle. I have an emotional attachment to the show that most would not understand.

The fictional town of Capeside, Massachusetts just draws me in some days. Luckily, I have all six seasons on DVD. In the third season and the end of an episode Jen, played by Michelle Williams told Dawson, played James Van Der Beek that, "This is some alternate reality where our intellects are sharper, our quips are wittier and our hearts are repeatedly broken while faintly in the background some, soon-to-be-out-of-date contempo pop music plays." The show did many things well. It explored socially relevant issues. It had heart. It definitely had wit. Most importantly, it lead us through the journey of "the wandering years" allowing us to walk in the shoes of the main characters: Dawson Leery, Joey Potter, Pacey Witter, and Jen Lindley as four stories unfolded. We were given insight into four lives and four very unique viewpoints. These four main characters interacted with many different guest stars and three characters whose involvement in Capeside and Boston respectively earned them kudos in the main title sequence.

In the words of Dawson Leery, "It's about a lot of things, but more than anything it's about what it's like to be fifteen, that time in your life when everything is new and you're constantly on the edge of a broken heart. I mean it should be stylized and operatic. We open in a teenager's bedroom walls plastered with movie posters. So in the bed: boy and girl. Both fifteen they've been best friends for as long as they can remember. So they're in the bedroom and they're talking about movies. This is a coming-of-age story. I wanted to tell a story about something small, something personal something I've been trying to figure out for quite some time. I want to write about growning up and why it's so hard. I want to write about falling in love and why it can't last, but how at the same time it lasts forever." In a nutshell, this monologue sums up the character of Dawson Leery. A dreamer with his eyes wide shut who fell in love with his best friend and never quite got over her breaking his heart.

Then there's Joey who resented being "half of the will they, won't they", couple of the century although she is the one whose raging hormones developed "a thing" for Dawson. And why wouldn't she? She climbed up the ladder into his bedroom every Friday for "movie night." She slept as in total hard core REM sleep with him in his bed. Not to mention, she was a tomboy who developed " a thick outer shell" because at thirteen her mom died of cancer and her father got put in prison for drug trafficking. Despite trying to figure out "their budding romantic intanglement" Joey and Dawson were best friends and soul mates. So when Pacey developed feelings for Joey, Dawson's "girl Friday" and Joey developed feelings for him things quickly got complicated.

Next is Pacey. Pacey J. Witter. His character reminds me of my first boyfriend which I guess is the reason that I favor the off-beat character of Pacey to the stay-in-the-lines character of Dawson. Pacey once said, "Since the dawn of time I have been designated the black sheep of my family." He was a screw-up and he never really believed in himself until Andie came along and inspired him to be "the man he only dreamed of being."

Finally, there is Jen who was probably the most complicated character of the whole series. Kudos to Michelle Williams for doing such a fantastic job of playing the multi-layered and complex character of Jen. She once had to go see a therapist as a direct consequence of getting drunk on a school sponsored ski trip. Her therapist Tom Frost told her during one of their therapy sessions that her, "smart sarcastic exterior masks a young lonely woman whose relationships with her parents has scarred her in ways she hasn't even begun to process. She has a hard time trusting people. Men, especially and who can blame her? When parental ties are severed early on like that it can send a young person searching for love and acceptance in a variety of destructive ways which may explain your relationship with drugs, alcohol, and a best friend whose sexuality prevents him from ever fully returning your affections." When Jen had made a breakthrough, Tom Frost told her, "You are a beautiful innocent young woman who's meant to shine in this world in ways you can't even begin to fathom."

These four characters had their own unique set of problems, issues, and hang-ups. The silver linings to their dark rain clouds are that they had each other. Joey and Dawson's friendship even survived when she admitted to Dawson that she had feelings for Pacey and pursued a relationship with him. Sexuality was not a factor when it came to the unique bond between Jen and Jack who told Jen on her death bed in the series finale of Dawson's Creek that she belonged to him because she was his soul mate.

I would like to share some of my favorite scenes between these characters when they were right in the middle of their teen angst. The first scene is between Pacey and Dawson rowing in a boat towards Dawson's dock after successfully sneaking Joey back into her house after she had been drinking at a beach party, that took place during Season One. In Joey's words, "It's true what they say time plays tricks on you. Memory is an unreliable narrator. History gets rewritten in small ways each passing day. I can't swear that this is exactly how it happened but this is how it felt".

Dawson: "Joey was so out of it tonight. She babbled on about the Icehouse, kissed me, rolled over, and passed out."

Pacey: "Wait. Wait. She kissed you?"

Dawson: "Yeah."

Pacey: "She kissed you like an aunt-on-Thanksgiving or she kissed you?"

Dawson: "No. She kissed me. I mean it meant nothing. She was completely wasted. Obviously mistook me for Brad Pitt which is understandable."

Pacey: "Ah. Dawson my fine oblivious friend. One of these days you're going to have to take a gigantic fact check my friend, all right? She didn't mistake you for anybody, okay? This girl is head-in-the-clouds, one hundred percent ass-backwards in love with you, all right?"

Dawson: "Dude. Pacey. Joey and I have a great time together. And it's great to have somebody that you know so well that you don't even have to verbalize what your thinking most of the time. The other person just gets it picks upon it. and it's like that with Joey and me. And it's great, and I like it, but it's not love."

Pacey: "Hey, all right. Don't you think that it's a bit strange that in the middle of a disastrous weekend with your girlfriend Jen, you and I are sitting here talking about your friend, Joey?"

Dawson: "Love is what I have with Jen, okay? It's exciting. It's new and unknown. Yeah, sometimes it's out of hand. But trust me there's a difference between friendship and love."

Pacey: "Right? And your so sure that you know that difference?"

Dawson: "You don't know what you're talking about."

A few episodes later, Dawson takes off the blinders or as Pacey said, "takes a gigantic fact check" and sees Joey as beautiful at the "Miss Wind Jammers contest." In this scene he and Joey are talking after the pageant as he wraps his sports coat around her bare shoulders.

Dawson: "What's happening Joey? I looked at you tonight... And I... It was like you came completely out of your shell. There was this like total I don't know-newfound confidence that just seemed to burst from you. And I know what it must have taken for you to get up there tonight. It's like you... It's like you transformed into this beautiful...Joey. I mean... I'm sitting here with my best friend in the world and my palms are sweating. I've known you forever, but I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time tonight."

Joey: "I don't know Dawson there's something that's just not right about this. I mean.. It's my own stupid fault. I mean... dressing up playing the princess. You and I both know this isn't me. I thought this is what I wanted for you to see me as beautiful. For you to look at me the way you look at Jen, but the truth is I don't want that at all Dawson. I want you to look at me and see the person that you've always known and realize that what we have is so much more incredible than some passing physical attraction. Because you know what Dawson? It's just lipstick. And it's just...hairspray. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to be Joey, just Joey."

Dawson: "Joey, this is all new to us and we should talk about it, okay? No matter what happens we can't go back to the way things were."

Joey: "Dawson you've had a lifetime to process your feelings for me. And I can't spend the rest of mine hoping that you might through a glance in my general direction in between your tortured teen romances with whatever Jen Lindley rolls into your life next. I can't do it."

At the end of Season One, finally Dawson kisses Joey. They have a short-lived relationship. After a school dance, Joey breaks up with Dawson to find herself. She starts seeing Jack, who realizes that he is attracted to men so then he breaks it off with her. Dawson and Joey get back together for awhile until Dawson decides to inform the police that Joey's vindicated father is trafficking drugs again. Then Pacey and Joey start a friendship after he breaks up with Andie for being unfaithful to him by sleeping with a patient while she is staying at a mental health facility. In Season Three, Andie has just told Pacey that she slept with a guy from the mental health facility. He is driving Joey home after the pep rally and they are talking in his car.

Joey: "Pacey, you probably don't want to hear this right now. And you probably don't want to hear it from me, but you have to talk to her."

Pacey: "No, I couldn't even look at her right now."

Joey: "You have to Pacey. You have to hear her out."

Pacey: "Why? What's the difference Joey? The ending is still the same. She slept with somebody else."

Joey: "You think that just because the two of you were together what she did hurts more? It doesn't. There's no difference Pacey. I mean look she's sixteen years old Pacey and so are you. We talk like we know what's going on, but we don't. We don't have any idea. We're really young, and we're going to screw up alot, we're going to keep changing our minds and sometimes even our hearts. And through all of that the only real thing we can offer each other is forgiveness. Don't let yourself get so angry that you stop loving because one day you'll wake up from that anger and the person that you love will be gone."

Shortly after that, once Pacey puts his hurt feelings in perspective regarding Andie, Pacey starts to develop true feelings for Joey. Joey returns Pacey affections. Then Pacey breaks up with her at the high school prom. Here is a scene from Season Six, where Joey and Pacey are reliving that time in their lives and contemplating starting over. In the girl's room, Joey is consoling Harley, her professor's daughter after her boyfriend, Patrick started a fight with a guy that Harley used to make him jealous. Pacey is having a "man to man" talk with Patrick in the boy's room at their schmancy private school during a school dance.

Harley: "Look at me. I'm crying in the bathroom."

Joey: "And thus carrying on an age-old tradition of women crying in the bathroom. I did it in high school."

Harley: "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but my high school experiences shouldn't really be the same as yours. Or I'm doing somethng terribly, terribly, wrong."

Joey: Sorry kiddo. But that's just how it goes with the high school dance. You buy the dress. You mess with the hair. Pose for the picture. You think you're date is going to say all the things you've been dying for him to say and no. Inevitably, you end up in the girl's bathroom crying."

Pacey: "You like Harley, right?"

Patrick: "She has her strong points. As long as we are talking man to man. Yeah, I like her a lot."

Pacey: "Congratulations man because true feelings for a woman that's about the best experience you're ever gonna have. It'll make you strong. It'll make you stupid and it will definitely take you closer to the man that you wanna be. Be nice to her."

Harley: "You've honestly had a bad time at every dance you've ever been to?"

Joey: "Yeah. Except this one. This one was nice."

Pacey: "I'm all for the grand romantic gestures, but next time instead of flailing around wildly, just tell her that you like her. And then if you still feel the need to throw a punch, pick an enemy your own size."

Although, Joey was not on the same page as Pacey at least not at this particular point, this is one of my favorite impassioned speeches that Pacey has made. "Don't tell me that you're not scared because I know that you are. I mean, I've known you too long and seen you push away too many good things to let you push me away right now. My whole life Joey, my whole life you have been the most beautiful thing in my orbit and my feelings for you were what proved to me that I could be great. And those feelings were stronger, and wiser, and more persistent, and more resilient than anything else about me. When I was afraid of everything, I was never afraid to love you. I could love you again. Joey." However, at the end of the series, Pacey and Joey get the happy ending.

Think back to your own "wandering years" or formative years whatever you want to call it. Did you feel like your were living your life in a fish bowl? Seriously. Imagine how a gold fish feels in a tiny bowl, swimming around in circles and moving from side to side hitting the edge of the bowl, looking at people peering at him. Sure, he can breathe underwater through his gills. But there isn't much else he can do. The life aquatic isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Did you ever hear the faintest of snickers and whispers in your direction? Can you remember the imaginary audience that followed you around who always seemed to criticize and never applaud you? Did you feel like you were spinning around in circles? Running in place? Did you feel like you had no place to go? Or wondered where you where going? Or where you would be when you got there? That is what college admittance essays are for I guess. Did your life feel small and insignificant? Did you get the guy or the girl? What label where you given in high school?

On top of all of the teen angst, How was your home life? Did your parents decide to get a divorce? Did you lose a loved one? Did you learn a family secret? Did you have a friend that understood you even when you didn't always make sense?

I always wondered, "What made me special?" What set me apart?" I think that I compared myself to every female on my periphery. It was always a competition for attention. I craved encouragement, but rarely ever got it from the people in whom I sought it. There were times that I had crushes on boys whose radar never reached me. Would you go back and be fifteen again? If you had the chance, would you go back and do things differently? What would they be? Those years of growing pains are so tough. It is a miracle we ever find our way out of that maze.
Here is a scene between Joey and Dina, Chris's sister who was briefly seen in Season Two of Dawson's Creek. Everyone went over to Chris's house for a study session. Dawson had unintentionally hurt the tender feelings of Dina. Joey decided to give her a pep talk.

Dina: "After tonight, I'm avoiding growing up at all costs."

Joey: "Sounds good. Let me know if you have any luck."

Dina: "Aren't you supposed to be arguing the other side?"

Joey: "I see you want the I'm older than you so here's how it works speech, right? How's this? Growing up sucks and not all kisses are magic and most boys do not live up to your expectations. But...there are those times when everything I mean love, romance, relationships it all falls together perfectly and it's incredible. It's those moments no matter how depressingly few and far between make growing up worth it. It will be okay."

Would I wake up and be fifteen again if I could? I do not think so. Sure, there are some things when I look back that I wish I could change. It is called regret. It is just in the last few years of my mid-twenties that I have been comfortable in my own skin. That I felt like it was okay to be me. Retrospect is a gift. Sure, there are things that I have done wrong; however there are also things that I have done right where I have no regrets and I wouldn't change a thing if I could turn back the hands of time. One of the main differences between being a teenager and an adult is that when you are a teenager you think you have all the answers, and as an adult you begin to realize and finally admit that in fact you do not have all the answers.

In a way, writing is an avenue of reliving the past. Reflection and I have always been on pretty good terms. It does not mean that I do not anticipate and look forward to the future. I do. There are just some moments in the past that I treasure and cherish.

Kevin Williamson, the creator of Dawson's Creek has said, that he used a part of himself in every character. So in a sense, he got to relive the past. Dawson certainly did and at times, he delved into the self-indulgent which if I were being honest, I have a tendency to do the same thing. Here is another great scene between Dawson and Joey near the end of the series.

Dawson: "What if you woke up and you were fifteen again?"

Joey: "The funny thing is... is I don't feel that way anymore. Watching you shoot those scenes today is like this huge weight has been lifted."

Dawson: "Yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean. Shooting this movie is going to save me tons of money on therapy."

Joey: "Today was a great day."

Dawson: "Oh. The best."

Joey: "I mean how many truly great days are we going to have in our lives?"

Dawson: "I don't know. Who knows how many you get? When they do come along though I hope that you're close by at least for a few of them."

Joey: "Me too. So how would you descrive your movie? If somebody asked you what would you say?"

Dawson: "I would say, it's about a girl who wanted more than she had, who had to grow up to realize that she had everything she ever could have wanted."

Joey: "I like that."

Although Dawson and Joey were soulmates and had this incredible connection to one another, Joey always felt like she was fifteen years old again when she was with Dawson. He transported her back to that particular place in time and she feared that she would never grow up. It seemed the reason that she chose Pacey at the end of the series is because she actually allowed herself to grow up with him whereas with Dawson she was fifteen again in his bedroom, on his bed watching movies particularly Stephen Spielburg movies surrounded by four walls plastered with movie posters.

" I used to be afraid of so many things. That I'd never grow up. That I'd be trapped in the same place for all of eternity. That my dreams would forever be shy of my reach. But it's true what they say. Time plays tricks on you. One day you're dreaming the next your dream has became your reality. And now that this scared little girl no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss her. I do because there are things I want to tell her to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be okay. I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you and actually accept you for who you are will become an increasingly rare occurrence. Jen, Jack, Audrey, Andie, Pacey, and Dawson. These people who contributed to who I am. They are with me wherever I go. And as history gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day, my love for them only grows because the truth is...it was the best of times. Mistakes were made. Hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now. How does it happen? Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good? Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something. That we where there for each other at a time in our lives that defined us all. A time in our lives that we will never forget. I can't swear this is exactly how it happened, but this is how it felt."

The above paragraph is Joey's reflective monologue towards the end of the series. I also have people who I look back on with fond memories who have contributed to who I am. I have made mistakes, my heart has been broken, and I have learned harsh lessons. Joey is right. We are quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good because we need to believe that the time that we have already spent with friends or family members actually meant something and it was a time in our lives that defined us all. The truth is we were all meant to shine in this world.

I imagine that most people when given the choice, to wake up and be fifteen again would graciously decline the offer because it is such an uncertain time in our lives. It is a time riddled with teen angst, confusion, raging hormones, and self unawareness. We are always fighting some internal war within ourselves and when we were teenagers it was peer pressure. E.E. Cummings once wrote, "To be nobody-but yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." Dawson once said when he was referring to Joey taking off with Pacey for the summer in his boat, "Why does it hurt so much?" Andie simply replied, "because our pain makes us real and we can't do it alone. None of us can." No matter what stage in our lives, the only true thing that we can offer each other is forgiveness for our past mistakes and grievances. Dawson's parents taught him that "sometimes love ends and begins again". "True love can forgive anything." Like Dawson, "I wanted to write about something small and something personal, something that I have been trying to figure out for quite some time." I wrote this blog to explore those "wandering years" and pay tribute to my favorite T.V. show of all time. The world is full of mysteries. Among the many mysteries of the world, one that would rank on the top of the list is "the wandering years".

In just two weeks the WB network will say "goodbye". It is being replaced by the new CW network. Dawson's Creek paved the way. It is the granddaddy of the WB. Of all the shows that are art imitating life, in my humble opinion, Dawson's Creek did the best of depicting "the wandering years".

THE MAN IN THE MOON

2006-08-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

If you have read any of my blogs, in fact if you are faithful and loyal enough to read them then you are probably holding your breath right now wondering if this is just another blog about L-O-V-E. Not exactly. This blog is actually going to deal with the more technical and physical side of relationships. Okay, get your minds out of the gutter. It is not going to be X-rated. It is not even going to be PG-13. However, this blog will deal with teen angst and wide-eyed innocence when exploring the topic of kissing. Kissing? So what's the big deal? Well, if you've never kissed someone there is a lot of planning and practicing that goes into making your "first kiss" worth remembering.

Life can be quite simple when your a child, but once you start noticing the opposite sex life can get quite complicated and exciting. It is a rush. In the movie, "The Man in the Moon", where Reese Witherspoon had her film debut, there is a scene between two sisters who share their fears about growing up and even the technicalities of kissing a boy for the very first time.

Maureen: "Do you remember when we were little and Mama used to tell us when things get all mixed up all you have to do is tell The Man in the Moon?"

Dani: "Yeah, you just had to keep on talking until you were sure you told him everything so that he had all the pieces. Just like a puzzle."

Maureen: "And then he'd work out the puzzle for you while you were asleep."

Dani: "Yeah, but that was kid's stuff Maureen. We're too old for make believe."

Maureen: "Yeah, I know".

It's funny how Dani is the fourteen year old girl and Maureen is the seventeen year old girl in this scenario.

Dani: "Maureen? What's it like to kiss a boy?"

Maureen: "It depends on the boy. You talking about anybody in particular?"

Dani: "I was just asking a question. Can't anybody ask a question around here?"

Maureen: "For starters, you let him kiss you if you like him. If you don't like him, just tell him that you're not that kind of a girl."

Dani: "What if you like him alot?"

Maureen: "Then you won't have to think about it. It will all come to you."

Dani: "You're not telling me anything. I need to know what to do."

Maureen: "Ok. Come on. First you'll kind of have to tilt your head to one side that's so you won't bump noses."

Dani: "Ok".

Maureen: "Would you loosen up. He's going to think you're scared of him. Ok, then kind of open your mouth just a little".

Dani: "Uh-uh". (Spoken like a true fourteen year old, well at least back in the 1950's which was the setting for this movie).

Sadly, nowadays kids are losing their virginity at fourteen instead of receiving their first kiss.

Maureen: "You wanted to know how. I'm telling you how. Look, practice on your hand, okay? That's it just keep practicing."

Dani: "Well, what if I forget what to do?"

Maureen: "Just do what you feel".

Dani: "If I do what I feel, I'll burst in a million pieces and go flying out into space".

Maureen: "That sounds to me like a good way not to get kissed twice".

Dani: "Maureen? Have you ever liked somebody so much it almost made you sick? It's like my stomach ties up in knots and I can't breathe and sometimes I think I'm going to throw up."

Maureen: "Well don't throw up, Dani. Whatever you do don't throw up."

Eventually, Dani did get her kiss and she didn't throw up. The scene between Dani and Court takes place down by the pond where they first met.

Dani: "I want you to be the first boy to ever kiss me."

Court: "I thought you said, you've been kissed so many times."(He leans down and kisses her gently which is appropriate for a seventeen year old boy kissing a fourteen year old girl.) "How was that?"

Dani: "Perfect."

Honesty is so refreshing. Here is one of my favorite scenes ever of Dawson's Creek because at its core the show was about sweaty palms and innocence. Dawson, played by James Van Der Beek approaches his dad played by John Wesley Shipp about the "mechanics of kissing".

Dawson: "Um I have a question. It's kind of a girl/relationship question and I don't want it to go to your head that I'm soliciting fatherly advice or anything. But I clearly don't condone yours and mom's perverse sex life. But I'm not too proud to admit that my own inexperience is hindering my current female relations."

Mitch: "Well, what's the question?"

Dawson: "Mechanics of kissing."

Mitch: "How can I help?"

Dawson: "Well, I'm interested in technique."

Mitch: "Well, there is no technique Dawson. You just put your lips together and go".

Dawson: "Yeah, but what makes a good kiss?"

Mitch: "The first time I kissed your mother and we were out on a boat and your mother's lips were chapped from the sun and she asked me if she could borrow my chapstick so I took it out and I put some on my lips and then I leaned over and kissed her. The chapstick was really smooth and just slid onto her lips. The sensation was amazing. I mean, the chemistry was already there, you know? But this was just one of those things that cemented it. It was unforgettable and most of all it was romantic. It's all about the romance. And Chapstick".

As Dawson and his dad were discussing the "mechanics of kissing", Joey played by Katie Holmes was climbing up the ladder into Dawson's bedroom. If you know anything about Dawson's Creek, you know that "the ladder" is very significant. She walks through the room and hears Dawson and his dad talking downstairs in the living room. She kneels down and puts her hands around the rails of the banister and leans her head between the middle of them, eavesdropping on their very private and personal conversation. Joey has quite a crush on Dawson so this is a conversation that she is very interested in because she has daydreamed for quite sometime about Dawson kissing her. The only obstacle being that Dawson is thinking about kissing his girlfriend, Jen from New York City that Joey, small town girl cannot possibly compete with so she thinks.

Dawson: "But the kiss itself? What did you do?"

Mitch: "Well here give it a try."

This is the part in which the writers did such a fantastic job. Mitch Leery, Dawson's father picked up a head that was fashioned to look like Joey because it was kind of her "stunt double" when she got her pretend head chopped off during Dawson's scary film, "Sea Creatures from the Deep".

Dawson: "No."

Mitch: "Well come on this is a big father-son moment here."

Dawson: "You asked for it."

Mitch: "All right."

Dawson: "All right".

Mitch: "Now moisten your lips. And go for it".

Dawson: "Dad this is ridiculous".

Mitch: "Wait the trick is, it's your bottom lip you've got to keep it relaxed, all right? You...want to let it have a mind of its own. You want it to dance with hers."

Dawson: "Okay."

Mitch: "Close your eyes".

Dawson leaned down and kissed the doll's head's lips as unbeknownst to Dawson Joey watched from afar and closed her eyes instinctively imagining that Dawson was really kissing her.

Mitch: "That was good."

Dawson: "Yeah?"

Mitch: "Yeah."

Dawson: "Cool. Um...forget this ever happened?"

Mitch: "All right."

Dawson: "Thanks."

Then at the end of Season One the big moment presented itself and Dawson finally did kiss his best friend Joey.

Joey:"Dawson I am so tired of dancing around these big words. I just want to be honest with you."

Dawson: "Joe, more than anything I just want to be honest."

Joey: "You think we're ready for that honesty?"

Dawson: "Yeah I do."

Joey: "Are you sure? Because honesty is a big word and it changes things and it complicates things. Are you sure you're ready for everything that goes along with telling the truth?"

Dawson hesiates and Joey searches his eyes.

Joey: "I'll see ya Dawson."

Dawson: "Joey. Joey"

Then they kiss as the camera makes it's way out of his bedroom into a wider shot where all you see is the silhouettes of Dawson and Joey with their arms wrapped around each other and their lips locked together. Season Two begins the same way because as we all know "a kiss" is usually just the beginning and real feelings get involved. After that first kiss, things start to change, and an emotional attachment ensues. Dawson described this kiss between he and Joey to Pacey as Pacey was about to embark on his own romance with Andie, which was one of my favorite pairings of the entire series. Dawson said, "It was the sweetest most romantic, 4th of July firework-y,waves crashing on the shore beyond any movie I could ever imagine kiss." Now that is some kiss.The next day Joey has a talk with her sister, Bessie about the first kiss and the agonizing and overanalyzing that goes into the anticipation of being kissed again.

Bessie: "Hi What are you doing here?"

Joey: "Nothing. Just thinking about tonight."

Bessie: "Oh the date. This will be interesting. Hey, what's wrong?"

Joey: "I don't know it just seems weird. I mean Dawson and I on a date? Doesn't that seem weird to you?"

Bessie: "Well, was it weird when you kissed?"

Joey: "No, no that--that felt pretty right. But the thing is it hasn't happened since and that was yesterday."

Bessie: "Well, that's not unusual. The way I see it the second kiss is always tougher than the first one."

Joey: "We actually kissed more than once that night."

Bessie: "Yeah, but it only counts as one. And that first kiss? It's the passionate one. It's the one fueled by desire, and attraction and all that. But the second kiss is rational. You've got time to think about it to worry and overanalyze. Most women they prefer that first kiss, but I'm partial to the second one because it's about something more. You'll get that second kiss Joey and when you do it'll be great. It'll be real. It'll be wonderful".

I've never really thought about it like that. It is a very interesting perspective. I just know that the second kiss is alot easier because you just kind of sink into it. It becomes something more than worrying about the technicalities of bumping noses and how to move your head or even making your bottom lip dance.

Then comes those agonizing drought periods where you aren't being kissed. In Season Three of Dawson's Creek, Joey is going through one of these frustrating drought periods. The scene takes place at a carnival between Joey and Jack who interestingly enough Joey used to date before he realized he was attracted to the same sex. I always liked their dynamic.

Jack: "Where were you?"

Joey: "None of you business".

Jack: "Lost in X-rated thought? Come on tell me."

Joey: "Okay, but promise you won't laugh. I was thinking about...kisses."

Jack starts laughing.

Joey: "Forget it."

Jack: "No, no it just sounds funny coming from the girl who decided to throw away relationships while in pursuit of her true self."

Joey: "I know. Sometimes, I'm sorry I ever said that. I mean...but I'm being honest with you to the point of utter humiliation...I miss the kissing part and I like to think I'll get kissed again before the millenium comes and goes".

Jack: "It'll happen." (Jack sees a physic booth set up in the distance.) In the meantime, why don't we find out when that elusive next kiss is going to find its way to your lips?"

Fastforwarding to Season Four, Dawson was leaving the next day to go to film school. The moment was so overwhelming that Dawson and Joey kissed for the first time in a long while. Joey was talking about her all time most life-altering moment and she said it was when Dawson decided to kiss her. She said, "It's a pretty powerful thing when you get your biggest wish in one moment". For her assignment the next fall at the beginning of Season Five, she decided to write a story about that kiss entitled "The Kiss". Professor Wilder was reading it to the class. This scene picks up in the middle of the story.

"And then just like that, they were kissing. She didn't know how they got there. She had no idea. The thought of kissing this boy hadn't crossed her mind in years which was weird because once upon a time that was all she ever thought about. And then, just like that it was over. He coughed. She shuffled her feet. And she laughed to herself. It had been one of those moments. One of those moments when you shuck your status as mere mortal and achieve however briefly, true greatness. She had shared many such moments with this boy. But now, He was leaving and nothing would ever be the same again."

Let us rewind to Season Two for a moment. Dawson was struggling with the possibility of his parents separating. He and Joey had not been dating for very long and they were sitting on the roof of his house.

Dawson: "Hey look up in the sky. What do you see?"

Joey: "The moon?"

Dawson: "No, no Look at the moon. Now close your eyes. Now what do you see? It's the man."

Joey: "Who?"

Dawson: "It's the man, remember?"

Joey: Oh right--right--right--right. The Man in the Moon. I get it. But wait."

Dawson: "What?"

Joey: "It's not a man, Dawson. It's a woman."

I sure do miss the playfulness and the sillyness. I am a grown-up as much as I protested. It is just comforting to think back to when things were simple like that. When we believed in magic and "The Man in the Moon". In the movie, "The Man in the Moon, Dani told Maureen she wished that she could still talk to the man. Someone once said, "It's the good girls who keep diaries, the bad girls never have the time."I am definitely one of the good girls, like Joey. I have journals that chronicle the big moments in my life such as my very first kiss. I can just close my eyes and envision it. As scared as I was back then, it was a moment that I will always remember. He definitely made it a memorable even though he wasn't wearing any chapstick.

Sometimes, guys don't have any more of a clue than "The Man in the Moon" when it comes to a girls' feelings about them, kissing, and romance. So I thought that it would be interesting to take the journey of the kiss because once a kiss lands on your lips it is only just the beginning, which begs the question, "Is it the kiss itself that is so important or the journey of the kiss?" In cinematic terms, a kiss at least with the right person is definitely the climax, but the journey of the kiss is what builds up the excitement, the drama, and the anticipation in which every single time we hope for a happy ending. At least I hope for a happy ending. A kiss is an outward expression of inward feelings that starts in the pit of your stomach producing gargantuan butterflies and if you are really lucky finds its way into your heart. After all as Alberto Carlos Campos once said, "I feel worthy of every kiss I laid upon you for in each of them went part of my heart." As Mitch Leery said to Dawson, "It's all about the romance." Just ask "The Man in the Moon."

ENTERTAINING ANGELS

2006-08-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks have been difficult to say the least. Two months ago, my mom's dear friend, Sandy or as her grandkids call her Sassy, was diagonosed with colon cancer. Two weeks later, she underwent surgery to remove three feet of her intestines. The doctor who performed the surgerical procedure told her that her conditon required no further treatment just strict monitoring for the time being. Sandy got a second opinion and went to see an oncologist who prescribed chemotherapy orally. She had been taken the chemo pill for two weeks when she became severly dehydrated and had to be hospitalized. She had to be put on a ventilator and the nurse inserted a feeding tube. There were hopeful times when we thought that she would pull through it.

We were baffled here on earth;however, God in heaven was carrying out His master plan. On the morning of July 31, 2006, an angel came to visit Sandy and carried her to her eternal home. Here on earth, we are sad. We miss her. She was survived by her two children and three grandchildren in whom will carry on this lovely lady's legacy. Melinda said that she has big shoes to fill. She does indeed. I asked my Mom, "Why did God take Miss Sandy? "She exuded joy". Here on earth, joy is scarce,but in Heaven joy is abounding. Here on earth, we are weeping and mourning the loss of a precious mother and friend. In heaven, they are rejoicing.

At Sandy's funeral, my best friend's dad who is the preacher of that church, read from Miss Sandy's beloved book, the Bible. It had been well read. He read a message that she had jotted down in the margin. He read, "My quest for joy ends with Jesus". She had a heart that was totally at peace with God. Mr. Winter spoke of Miss Sandy with high regard. "She had a special way of tapping into the emotional hurts of others". She certainly did. She has helped and supported me immeasurably in all that I ever did or could imagine. She was one of my biggest fans. She will truly be missed until the day that we see each other again in heaven.

In my own selfishness, it is hard to lose someone who unwaveringly cheered me on and was always in my corner. I was saddened when I suddenly realized that Miss Sandy who was like a second mom to me, would not be here to celebrate my wedding day or the birth of my children. I would have loved for her to be here for all of that. I cannot help, but think that losing Miss Sandy would have been made a little easier had she been here to offer her inner strength. She was full of life and vitality. She had many friends and she never met a stranger. Her door was always open. She always had time to listen and pray with anyone. She was a rare person who willingly gave of herself. Hebrews 13:2 says, "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it". She lived out "The Great Commission". Matthew 28:20 says, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of th Son and of the Holy Spirit, and leading them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age".

Now she has had the sunset of her life. Her brilliant colors have been left behind to comfort us. She led an exemplary life. She has and always will be someone who I will always deeply admire and highly respect. She seemed to take everything in stride. 2 Timothy 4:7 says, "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept my faith". I just finished reading, "One Tuesday Morning" by Karen Kingsbury and as I was reading I thought about Miss Sandy because the book's theme is how one life can profoundly affect another even through death. Miss Sandy profoundly affected my life in so many ways.

The last time I ever saw her, she was lying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and my Mom let her know that I was there to visit. She opened her eyes and smiled at me. I am waiting for a rush of good memories. There are many times when Miss Sandy has been there for me sympathizing with my struggles and rejoicing in my triumphs. Her earthly body is in its final resting place, but her spirit is with the Lord. Phillippians 1:21 says, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain". She has left her imprint on many hearts. Once someone wrote anonymously, "Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never ever the same". This quote so reminds me of Miss Sandy. Her legacy lives on, here on earth. I know without a shadow of a doubt, she has gone to her mansion in the sky. She is walking on the streets of gold with glad jubilation praising God Almighty and entertaining angels.

I know that Miss Sandy would have liked for us to remember her in life instead of death. This song shows that death does not have to have the final word. She lived a life that was completely sold out for Jesus Christ and now she is in heaven enjoying eternal life victoriously.

"Brad Paisley - When I Get Where I am Going"

When I get where I'm goin'
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

2nd Verse

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop 'a rain

Chorus

Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'
Don't cry for me down here

3rd Verse

I'm gonna walk with my Grandaddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I've missed him
Every minute since he left
And then I'll hug his neck

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
And so much work to do

Tag Chorus

But when I get where I'm goin'
And I see my Maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of His amazing grace
Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'
(Oh when I get where I'm goin')
There'll be only happy tears
(I love you, yeah)
I will love and have no fear
(Yeah, when I get where I'm goin')
Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'

BEAUTIFUL AMBITION

2006-08-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

Everyone possesses their own unique gifts and talents to contribute to the world. There are many different ways in which to express ourselves. Art, filmmaking and writing are among the many modes of self-expression.

I have been known to use dialogue from Dawson’s Creek and One Tree Hill for inspiration and this blog will be no exception. During the fifth season of the beloved teen drama series, Dawson’s Creek, Dawson has an encounter with Amy Lloyd who is a film critic for the Boston Weekly. She has come to review his movie. In the scene they are sitting in a coffee house where he is trying to persuade her to watch his movie.

Dawson: “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I am not quite sure that it’s done. I mean, all the pieces are there. All of the elements are there. But there’s something about it that just feels kind of… Oh, something that just kind of feels incomplete.”

Amy Lloyd: “What is it about to you?”

Dawson: “I don’t really know how to answer that question. Umm I’ve had this truly bizarre, life altering year. I dropped out of USC to be with this girl who I’ve loved in one way or another for pretty much my whole life. Then my father died, which completely rocked my universe. And then I jumped head first into this really intense relationship with this other girl. And we just broke up and the movie had nothing to do with any of these things. But in a way it has to do with all of them. I feel like I put everything I am into making this film. I’m sorry. I’m rambling”.

Amy Lloyd: “Don’t be sorry. That is actually a movie that I would really like to see.”

Dawson: “Really?”

Amy Lloyd: “Yes. Anything imbued with that much passion and heartbreak sounds far more interesting than half the dreck that is currently taking up space in our nation’s multiplexes”.

Dawson: “This movie, for me, it kind of, held my life together when I needed it most. It forced me to be brave and made me strong”.

Amy Lloyd: I’m about to have an insight here.”

Dawson: “Okay”.

Amy Lloyd: “It’s not the movie you’re afraid is incomplete. It’s you. And you should be afraid of that because you’re not complete, not yet. In fact, you may never be. But you keep looking, and making movies, and showing them to people, and that’s what being a filmmaker is.”

Dawson: “Good Insight.”

Amy Lloyd: “I have my moments.”

Amy Lloyd: “What do you say we go watch ourselves a movie?”

Dawson: “Okay, well what if sucks? What if I completely wasted my time?”

Amy Lloyd: “If it sucks, I will tell you over coffee.”

Now there is no turning back. Dawson has to show this movie. I am sure that he is scared to let out that much of himself-his sweat, blood, and tears- out into the world. After all, there are very harsh and cynical critics out there. Paulina Kael once said, “The words “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”, which I saw on an Italian movie poster, are perhaps the briefest statement imaginable of the basic appeal of movies”. Below is Dawson’s impassioned speech to a roomful of people who are eagerly awaiting a great movie.

Dawson: “We are going to show this thing. Here’s the deal. It’s too long, the music is temp, the mix is unfinished, the transfer is ugly, and we still don’t have a title. But uh…what you’re about to see is a labor of love. For everybody in this room who gave of their time and their energy, and their talent. And, uh…we might be the only people to ever see this thing up on the screen, but it doesn’t matter because it is and it always will be a snapshot of who we are at this particular moment in time. So…brace yourselves. Roll it.”

The truth is I can relate to Dawson. I also have created something in which I would like the world to embrace. Instead of making a film of which I would not have the first clue how to go about making a movie, I wrote a manuscript and sent it off for publication. Toni Morrison once said, “If there’s a book you really want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it”. I am sure that some of its readers will be harsh and cynical critics. Everyone is not going to like my book. It is a fact that I and any other writer, or artist, or filmmaker must face and accept. We can only write, or paint, or create a story from our own unique points of view.

I have also discovered that I am my own worst critic. On One Tree Hill, there is a character by the name of Peyton. She is a very talented artist. She makes a confession directed towards a character by the name of Lucas. Peyton confessed, “I want to draw something that means something to someone! You know, I want to draw blind faith, or a fading summer, or just a moment of clarity. It’s like when you go and see a really great band for the first time and nobody is saying it but everybody is thinking it. We have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling…but I can’t. And if I can’t be great at it, then I don’t want to ruin it”. That’s how I feel about my ability to write. I enjoy writing. It is a catharsis for me. However, I feel as though the times are rare that I capture lightning in a bottle which for me is the whole point. If I can’t capture that feeling when I write and often times I do not, I don’t feel like I accomplished what I set out to accomplish. Often times, my words on paper do not sound as well as they do in my mind. It somehow gets lost in translation. It frustrates me to no end when I cannot execute my vision! Paul Bourget once said, “Ideas are to literature what light is to painting”.

I have been in the midst of a truly soul searching year in which to discover my place in the world. It has been a year, to reflect on past experiences. For over a year now, I have been running in place for fear of what I might encounter on the long journey ahead. I have been treading water in an attempt to keep myself from going under. I am fighting the undertow, although I must admit that I have given it power over me. Insecurity is a fierce enemy. I have been plagued with self-doubt. I have been at a stand still, listening to those tiny voices inside my head, which have tried to convince me that I don’t have what it takes to be successful. The voices have tried to persuade me, to give up on my hopes and aspirations for the future. Like a broken record, those voices have told me over and over that I don’t have the endurance necessary to propel me to the finish line.

Often I have wondered if I possessed any gifts or talents in which to contribute to this dog-eat-dog world. I have been running on empty, with no place to go except inside of myself therefore taking a journey through the inner recesses of my mind. It is a scary place. I had psyched myself out. It was hard to believe that there were people in my life who still believed in me, when I no longer believed in myself. The fear of failure is quite crippling at times. Dawson was scared of failure. He was scared to fail at what he loves most, filmmaking. Am I afraid to fail at what I love most? Sure I am, but I must keep on trying, and raising the bar for myself. If there ever comes a time when I find that creating a story is no longer challenging, then I will lose interest.

There are times when I wish that it would be easier for me to verbally express myself. I am never at a loss for words when I write, but sometimes I can’t find the right words to say to express my feelings. I admire public speakers. I admire their bravery and courage to stand up at a podium among a lot of people and deliver these impassioned speeches. I am also very envious of those people who can draw or paint. After all, “a picture is worth a thousand words”. Joan Miro once said, “I try to apply colors like words that shape poems like notes that shape music”. We all have different talents whether or not we excel at the arts. We all find a way in which to shine. We all have our something. We all have our moments.

I am grateful for being talented. My book is a true testament to my ability to weave a story. Like Dawson’s movie, I feel like my book held my life together at a time when I was so uncertain of myself. And like Dawson, I put everything I am into writing that book. It is a constant reminder of the person that I used to be. Just like a picture, can evoke strong memories, my book reminds me of a more simplified time in my life. Joyce Carol Oates once said, “When we claim to “remember” our pasts, we are surely remembering our favorite snapshots, in which the long-faded past is given a distinct visual immortality”. My hope for its readers is that with every turn of the page, they will gain a sense of renewed hope and that they too can pursue their own dreams. Other authors inspired me to write. It is a very rewarding experience. It is very therapeutic, and cleansing. It is very self-gratifying. Jorge Luis Borges once said, “Writing is nothing more than a guided dream”. If only the rules of writing applied to life, then without a shadow of a doubt I would know that I was getting somewhere. It was a memorable life-altering moment when I realized that writing is my true passion. How often are our true passions revealed?

I would like to include another passage from the movie “Little Black Book” starring Brittany Murphy. I will not go so far as to say that watching a movie can be a life changing experience. I will leave that belief for the filmmakers. However, I will say that if you are paying close enough attention to a movie, and watch the story unfold you can find a message or a little gem of wisdom in which you can take with you. What follows is Stacy Holt’s monologue at the end of the movie.

“By fall, I was ready to try again. A little bruised, a little humbled and hopefully a little smarter. I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end…we don’t. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and from the peace that comes from knowing that you just can’t know it all. You know, life’s funny that way. Once you look over the wheel, you might end up right where you belong”.

I can really relate to that. I believe that I was destined to tell a story. John Sheffield once said, “Of all the arts in which the wise excel, Nature’s chief masterpiece is writing well”. I have ended up right where I belong; however the journey is far from over. I will keep searching, keep writing books, and publish them and that is what a writer is supposed to do. Maybe I write stories or blogs in attempt to try to reach some part of myself who still is a little skeptical about life. The more that I write, the easier the words seem to flow out of me. It is like standing before a wishing well, holding a bright and shiny penny, making a wish, letting it go, and hoping that the wish will come true. For me, writing is about releasing my suppressed feelings before an unsuspecting and scrutinizing audience hoping with all of might that that tiny piece of myself that has gone unnoticed or has been lost or has yet to be discovered will suddenly be recognized, appreciated, understood, found again and discovered. Writing has helped me fill in the blanks of the unanswered questions I have had about myself. Writing is a weapon that wards off the tiny voices in my head that try to convince me I am unworthy. It is a gift given to me by God. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “All writing comes by the grace of God”. Whether you like to paint, draw, make movies, act, sing, or even write these are all avenues in which to express ourselves and discover are place in the world.. For me, writing is a beautiful ambition.

THE SWEETEST SENSATION

2006-06-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day that I started blogging. The very first blog that I wrote is entitled "The Whole Enchilada" located on the "Topaz Butterfly" site. It has been really interesting to take a look back and see how much has happened and how so many things about my life have changed in the span of just one year. I have kept up this activity now for a year. I will continue to blog for as long as the creative energy flows and as long as the little lightbulb goes off above my head. Hopefully, I will continue to keep what little audience I have as I continue to dive deeper into my ocean of emotion.

I thought that phrase "ocean of emotion" would be a nice segue into the subject of this particular blog which is matters of the heart. Yes, I know another blog about love and relationships. I know that it has all been said before; however, I have found a very interesting way to "paint this picture". It's summertime! Have you ever noticed how poets, songwriters, and society at large romanticize this time of year? I would like to cite some examples. Do you remember the song "Endless Summer Nights" by Richard Marx who is one of the most romantic recording artists to every come down the pike? Now, that song could definitely steam up some windows. "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?" was written by none other than the famous poet and playright William Shakespeare. In this song and this poem summer is most definitely romanticized.

Don't you wish that you could say what you really mean to say without disguising it behind all of the unnecessary obligatory subtext? If you really did say what you really meant to say then you would receive a truthful reaction in response. James Weldon Johnson once wrote, "The anticipation produced in me a sensation somewhat of bliss and fear". This particular quote by James Weldon Johnson describes exactly the sensation that starts in the pit of our stomachs when we suddenly develop "tip of the tongue" syndrome. We know exactly what we what to say, but we can't find the words to say it. We feel the bliss of the prospect of telling that special someone in our lives how we feel about them; however the fear moves in much like the tide washing away all of our high hopes of having our affections returned and taking our bravery and courage along with it.

The ones who haven't gone through a break up or some sort of emotional upheaval are very few and far between I am afraid. Those of us who have dried ourselves off from coming out of our oceans of emotion are hesistant and reluctant to jump back in with the excitement, wonder,and intensity that we had when we jumped in before as a result we play in the sand watching the tide going in and out, and the waves crash on the shore.

Why can't life be as simple as a boy and a girl playing in a sandbox together? When did life and love get so incredibly complicated and complex? It is about the same time in which puberty sets. It clouds our vision to see that life can be just as great as we imagine it to be as a kid playing in that cherished sandbox. We have a tendency to blame love for our mistakes, and our heartache. The truth is it is not what love does to us it is what we do to love. We can criticize, belittle and demean love when it doesn't work out for us letting our sandcastles with all of the details that define it that we have worked so hard on get washed away by the tide as we move farther and farther away from the shoreline. The beauty of a sandcastle is that it can be rebuilt. We take a time out or a breather as we wallow in our misery and self-pity.

At some point, we must get back in there. We must dive back into our oceans of emotion; however, there is a balance, a happy medium that we must achieve. There is such a concept as "too much too soon". We must be careful not to ride on our emotions or catch the wrong wave or we will inevitably "wipeout". Can you imagine for a moment the sweet sensation a surfer must experience when he finally rides out the wave navigating himself or herself through the pipeline? It is not our responsibility to overpower the waves in our lives; however, it is in the best interest of our relationships to follow through and ride out the wave. We must seize every opportunity that comes our way. We should not shy away from opportunities especially in relationships least we not discover who is the most compatible or combustible for us. Whatever the case may be. The point is we have got to dive in and explore all the possibilities. In Shakespeare's tragedy, Julius Caesar's Brutus has a line that reads like this: "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to the future. But omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves or lose the ventures before us".

I feel pretty confident as a writer. I have to go with the flow. I can't disturb the steady rhythmic river from which this post is flowing. Why else would I be staying up until almost 1:00 AM? It is because this tidal wave has come over me and I have to ride it out. Professor Hetson played by Roger Howarth said to Joey played by Katie Holmes in the sixth and final season of Dawson's Creek, "It can't be streams of consciousness if you are observing by the shores".

Maybe you have rested and recuperated from your nasty wipeout and you are thinking that you will lightly tread on tip-toe back down to the shoreline. You might even dip your toes into the edge of the water to remember the sweet sensation of falling for someone who has fallen just as hard for you. It is invigorating! Isn't it? There are fewer things on this Earth that can make you feel more truly alive than diving into an ocean of emotion. What are you waiting for? The next full moon? Maybe you figure that the moon moves the tides so maybe it will move you to make a bold move after all we are made up of seventy percent water. The sands of time are constantly in motion. Time stands still for no one, and eventually it will run out.

Sure, there are other aspects of life that can elicit sweet sensations such as writing these blog entires, but nothing can give you the rush or prompt the adrenaline to start pumping quite like falling in love. On another espisode of Dawson's Creek, Dawson played by James Van der Beek was visiting his artisitic Aunt Gwen played by Julie Bowen. They were talking. She said to him, "Before I die I want to know that I did at least one thing right-love someone. The rest of this is just an expression of that one thing". Build those sandcastles to the sky! Don't give up on love!

If a wave just so happens to come your way this summer, wait until the moment is right, take hold of your metaphorical surfboard and catch the wave. Sure, it is scary. In the movie "Bounce" starring Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck there is a line from that movie that reads like this: It's not brave, if you're not scared". There is always a possibility of a nasty wipeout, but don't let that slight chance loom over your head. Wipeouts just give you the necessary experience to catch the right "wave" and experience the sweetest sensation. Come on in the water is fine!

I thought about this song by John Mayer as I was writing this blog. It is called "Love Song for No One" on his "No Room for Squares" album. I hope that you like it as much as I do.

Love Song for No One by John Mayer

Staying home alone on a friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
Im jaded
I hate it

Im tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
Im not sure who Im looking for
Ill know it
When I see you
Until then, Ill hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

Im tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

Im tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Youll be so good
Youll be so good for me

SKIES OF BLUE

2006-06-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

Skies of Blue by T.B. Fly

For anyone who has experienced a first love and lost it. Have you ever had someone for whom you cared deeply that came around again like a boomerang? If so, this poem is for you. I suppose that the soundtrack for this particular time of my life, would have to be somewhat of a "bittersweet symphony". I hope that you will appreciate my symbolic purging through the conventions of poetry.

My first time out
I found out what love was all about

Smiles, touches, kisses were among many firsts
I felt like my heart would burst into
I was so in love with you

Together we weaved a colorful tapestry of dreams
Only to see it ripped at the seams
Then the tears flowed down my face in streams

For so long, I stood still
In my heart, all I could feel

Was the pain
I wondered if it would ever be sustained

Waiting for you to come back again
I thought I had found in you, one true friend

Somehow I knew, that you would come back around my life’s bend
Then we could begin once again

Two years later, I thought I had been given a reprieve
Surely, this time, my heart you would receive

You were my unexpected gift
Why didn’t you see?
How could we repair the bridge between you and me?

My hopes were built higher everyday
As I believed, this time you were going to stay

You asked me if you had a place in my life
I had dreams of one day becoming your wife

How was that so easy to miss?
It is hard now to reminiscence

On the day, I expressed to you what was in my heart
Your costume eyes filled with mist

Were your tears real?

My beauty unveiled
My heart unafraid to feel

Did that really happen?

At times, it feels almost unreal
That I took the ultimate risk
Of being fully embraced or merely dismissed

Unfortunately, you chose the latter
I am still confused as to why, my feelings did not matter

There were many things left to say
But you would not be bothered and went on your merry way

You ran to the arms of another
Even though, you knew that I loved you
More than any other

Ever could
How could I have been so misunderstood?

You confided in me, you could not trust
A strong foundation we had once built

How could your heart towards me be filled with so much mistrust?
When did the foundation begin to deteriorate and rust?

The tears you cried were a symbol of guilt
Where would we be?
If you had not hurt me?

I still miss you
I still care

Forsaking me for another
Was hard to bear

My words had fallen on deaf ears
I had wasted too many years

There was only one thing left to do
I had to start loving me and stop loving you

As the days pass, I hurt less and less
I am responsible for my own happiness

Make no mistake I may forgive
But I will never forget

The hole that was left in my heart
When our ways did part

Leaving me behind
Life can be so unkind
It may prove to be your greatest regret

It is time to retreat
I am tired of this attitude of defeat

I must stop going down memory lane
The “what ifs” can drive a person insane

I don’t have regrets because I told you what was in my heart
Even though, my feelings drove us apart

I must move on from the past and you
It is high time, and long overdue

My first time out
I found out what love is all about
But now I have my doubts

A creature of comfort and habit
A cowardly lion? You?
I never would have fathomed it

But it is true
Still I must forgive you
Because it is long overdue

If someday you come back around the bend
How could I ever go down that road again?

The truth is I could never just think of you as a friend
And so I am afraid that all roads leading to you are just dead ends

No more tears to cry
Over you

Those days are long gone
I will persevere and move on

To myself, I must try
To be true
I am headed for skies of blue

ECHOS OF AN ERA

2006-06-23T08:32:00.000-07:00

Do you ever hear the soundtrack of your life playing faintly in the inner recesses of your mind? If they are good ones, memories can keep you company and bring you comfort. I have memories such as these that if I am still enough I can still hear their echo in my consciousness.

My parents built my childhood home in 1973. Five years later, I was born. While I was growing up there, we had some really good friends. Sassy and my mom were really good friends. Stephen, Sassy's youngest child, and my brother Ben grew up together in the same neighborhood. There was only this green grassy field separating our houses. Ben and Stephen made good use out of this field. It served as a baseball diamond and a football field. They played many games of cork ball and even splattered eggs onto the adjoining neighbor's fence. It served as a path between two young boys who were the best of friends.

Melinda, Stephen's older sister would walk across the field to our house to get me and she would walk back through that same field to her house with me in tow. She used to walk to our house a lot tell my mom that she had me and take me over to her house for awhile. She would paint my nails every color of the rainbow. She would brush what little hair I had and pull it up by the roots on top of my head. When I got a little older, I walked through the field to their house and Sassy would fix hot dogs heated in the microwave for me. This was a real treat considering that we did not own a microwave at that time. She would cut them up for me. They were so good.

When I was a preteen Sassy introduced me to Heather who would soon become my best friend. I am surprised that we did not wear a path through that field as many times as we would go back and forth through it from her house to mine and vice versa. Heather and I used to do somersaults and handstands in that field. We played homerun derby, hide-n-go seek, and german spotlight in that field. German spotlight was a lot of fun because we played it in the dark. It was a lot like hide-n-go seek except instead of actually having to tag someone all you had to do was shine a flashlight on them. We also would ride our bikes through that field. There was this one strip of land along the side of the neighbor's fence and we would ride our bikes down the decline into the street. Then we we ride our bikes up the incline and do it all over again. We called it the rollcoaster. Looking back now, I don't suppose it was the smartest or the safest thing to do, but we did it anyway. We ran through that field with wild abandon and without a care in this world. It served as a path for two girls who were the best of friends.

The boys would play sports and the girls would gather those tiny little white flowers and make necklaces and bracelets. Also one of our favorite past times, was picking dandelions from the field and blowing on them watching their feathery substance float to the ground. If I came back from Heather's house in the dark, I took off running and just before I reached my driveway my foot would land in this hole and I would fall flat on my face. It never failed. I guess that is what I got for being afraid of the dark. When Heather and I were teenagers we designated a meeting place half way down the field to exchange clothes. We would end up talking for awhile. Then we would say "good night" and go off in different directions back to our houses respectively. Indeed, our field served many purposes. It could be magical at night with a million stars shining brightly up overhead. Maybe, I am romanticizing a little. It's my blog I can romanticize if I want to.

Why all of the nostaglia you might ask? Sigh. Well, Sassy doesn't live there anymore. In fact, her house has had two predecessors. The current inhabitants have decided to destroy my childhood field. My childhood field is being enclosed with a wooden gate-no more wide open space. And if that wasn't enough, they have hired employees from Aloha pools most likely to put in one of those hideous above ground swimming pools. They dug up the sacred soil of which our happy feet once trod. Okay. So call me a sentimental drama queen. I don't care. They disturbed the delicate emotional balance of my childhood memories that have been well perserved. When I surveyed this eyesore, a song came to my mind and one line in particular from this song: "They paved paradise and put up a parking lot". Well, in this case they paved paradise and put up an above ground swimming pool. I feel like I am living across from the "Beverly Hillbillies". It was a child's paradise with no restrictions. A big wide open space full of potential with a big lusicious and green magnolia tree stationed in the corner. It's gone now and it saddens me. I feel like as Jewel says in her new song "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland, that "my childhood is scattered along the highway".

A friend of mine who has a four year old child and I were having a conversation the other day. She, her husband, and their daughter decided to move away from their old neighborhood because it was getting a little too shady. She wants her child safe and protected. It's not too much to ask. In this day in time, is there any such thing as a safe place? Is she or her little friends going to be able to grow up in a wide open space? Are they going to be able to run through a big green field with wild abandon without a care in this world? They deserve the right to be footloose and fancy free kids, don't they? Somehow and at some point we must take back the reigns of this society and forge on ahead with aspirations for a brighter future. You deserve the right to be a kid and sometimes you have to fight for it. Wouldn't it be wonderful, to remain eternally innocent? Wouldn't it be wonderful to view the world through the unclouded perception of a child? Antoine de Saint once wrote, "And the little prince said to the man", "Grownups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always explaining things to them".

I would like to enter the magical world of Capeside for a moment. Capeside is the fictional town set in Massachusetts on the now syndicated Dawson's Creek. This particular scene takes place in the sixth season and the next to last episode ever of the beloved teen drama series. In the first season, the offbeat character of Jen Lindley came to town in a cab to live with her grandmother, who she affectionately called "Grams". She saw Joey, Pacey, and Dawson messing around with each other on the dock, knowing immediately that she wanted to be apart of that innocence. In the six season, she, Jack, and Grams are all leaving Capeside for New York City where Jen is from originally. The big yellow taxi pulls up to take them away. No doubt she hears the soundtrack of her life playing in the background. She turns around to take one last look around and says, "What is this feeling? It just seems like everything 's getting smaller and smaller. It's all still there, but I just can't touch it". Jack simply replies, "I think it's called goodbye". On that very same day, Dawson was shooting a movie in tribute to their childhood on the creek. Jen looks in the direction of the actors messing with each other on the dock. It was a nice bookend. She had come full circle. I feel the same way Jen must have felt. It is not easy to let go of your childhood and the place that is the most comforting and familiar. I guess now I will have to visit the Wildflower Farm, where there are droves of wildflowers in this big wide open space. A dreamer could lose him or herself in that field filled with wildflowers. It is a beautiful sight and if you are lucky butterflies flutter down inviting themselves to be your companions.

I am taking mental pictures and playing a silent movie in my mind. On One Tree Hill, the character of Ellie once said, "Every song has a CODA, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away. Every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music? The truth is, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just life". When you are a kid you are not aware that your childhood is going to end. In fact, you can't wait to be a grown up. On the other hand, when you are a grown up you wish that you could just be a kid again. Even though my childhood is over I can still hear that soundtrack in my head. It doesn't matter how much noise the workers make in their efforts to construct the vision that their employers have in mind-nothing will drown out of the sound of the echos of an era-children's laughter, singing and excited screams. My childhood may be gone, but it will never be forgotten. It will forever be a part of me and will be remembered with sweet fondness as the soundtrack of my childhood plays faintly through the inner recesses of my mind.

Here is the song in it's entirety mentioned in my blog for posterity. This song has been recorded by such artists such as Counting Crows and Vanessa Carlton, but Amy Grant's version is the one that I most remember fondly. She was also one of my role models growing up.

"Big Yellow Taxi" by Amy Grant

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swinging hot spot
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop-bop

They took all the trees and put 'em in a tree museum
And then they charged all the poeple twenty-five bucks just to see 'em
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop-bop

Hey farmer, farmer, put away your DDT now
Give me spots on my apples but leave me the birds and the bees, please
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
I say, they paved paradise and they put up a parking lot

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop

Late last night I heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi carried off my old man
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone
They paved paradise and they put up a parking lot
Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot
Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop

Oh, now, they paved paradise and they put up a parking lot
Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop
Hey, steam rolled paradise and put up a parking lot
Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop

POCKETFUL OF PLEASURES

2006-06-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

"Ring around the rosies, pocketful of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down". It didn't take too much to make me happy as kid. I liked when the "London Bridge" fell down. Now, I like to listen to "London Rain", by Heather Nova. Speaking from a woman's perspective who use to be a little girl, tea parties and dress up were two endlessly pleasurable activities in which I engaged. I loved putting on my momma's high heels and experimenting with her makeup. Rocking baby dolls, and finding stuffed animals who would listen and who were endlessly sympathetic towards me were two of my favorite past times. I would play "house", and "school". I even had my own school room at the front of the house. I would even pretend to cook using raw spaghetti noodles and French dressing. I made sock puppets out of old socks, yarn, scraps of cloth, construction paper, and old buttons.

Then I was introduced to the great outdoors. I became such a tomboy. I climbed trees, bike raced the boys in my neighborhood, jumped on the trampoline, skated, and turned cartwheels off the diving board. I wasn't much of a dare devil, I often opted for truth when playing "Truth or Dare". When I got a little older "Spin the Bottle" became very appealing to me. I dreamed about my "knight in shining armor" and I always wanted a "hero" to rescue me. I always wanted to be like "Rapunzel" with really long golden and shiny hair. Just because I am all grown up, doesn't mean that those dreams are gone. Sometimes, what has been long lost and forgotten can be found again.

What girl didn't want to be Jennifer Grey in "Dirty Dancing"? "Nobody puts baby in a corner". Sigh. She was such a lucky girl co-starring with Patrick Swayze. He could back me up into a corner anytime. I loved "Saved By the Bell". Zack Morris was the soothest thing since butter. Although, my first crush ever was on Michael J. Fox when he played "Scott Howard" in Teen Wolf and "Alex P. Keaton" on Family Ties. For some reason, I got all caught up in the "New Kids on the Block" craze. Joe McIntyre looked good. He still looks good.

Every summer my friends and I would gather on my carport and pretend that it was a stage. I wanted to be Paula Abdul and Debbie Gibson. I had a canopy bed when I was younger and I would pull off the top knobs and use them for microphones. These days, it is usually a deodorant bottle. Usually, I sing in the car with the windows rolled down with the wind whipping through my hair. I also enjoy singing in the shower because the acoustics sound so good in there.

I am not sure when I developed such a love for reading. I can just lose myself in a good book. I am looking forward to lounging on a chair poolside allowing the heat from the sun to make me lazy as I dive into a mezmorizing novel while I am soaking up the sun this summer. As grown a grown up, I still like to swim like a little fish more than laying out.

Recently, I went to the bookstore to find a book entitled "Burnt Toast" written by Terri Hatcher. For some unknown reason, I wound up in the poetry section of this bookstore. I sat down in the middle of the isle and just began reading and absorbing the string of words. It was almost transcendent. It so relaxed me and rejuvenated my spirit that it left me begging for more. So I bought this book of poetry. "Peyton's Podcast" once said "that the music finds you" maybe poetry does too. I just ordered Jewel's new CD "Goodbye to Alice in Wonderland". She is so poetic. A few days ago, I even got up one morning and wrote a rather lengthy poem in which I am quite proud. Writing a book was definitely a catharsis for my soul and such a sweet release.

I also enjoy being pampered. I believe that a "true princess" lives inside every woman. My "inner princess" comes out often demanding to be pampered. So I take her to the spa for the occasional massage and frequent spa manicures and pedicures. Getting my hair colored has become a rather costly hobby. I don't know for some reason it gives me confidence. I have a few hobbies, but writing is definitely my passion. It gives me immeasurable pleasure. I would like to say that I found the writing, but that wouldn't be the truth. The writing found me just in the nick of time, allowing me to pour out my pent up feelings and bottled emotions.

I also enjoy watching movies and their commentaries. Mostly, I like romantic comedies. I am envious of those thirty minute sitcoms that get wrapped up so nicely. Relationships in real life just don't work that way. I guess that is why I really like watching episodes of "Dawson's Creek" and "One Tree Hill" because they depict relationships in a somewhat realistic way. For me watching those shows, is like indulging in milk chocolate it is "pleasure you can't measure". I also enjoy watching some reality T.V. shows such as "Dancing with the Stars". I love getting a heaping helping of "All My Children and General Hospital" almost on a daily basis. Occasionally, I enjoy watching other T.V. shows which are more like dark chocolate for me I can take them or leave them. Escapism is a beautiful thing and also dangerous because sometimes it is hard to separate the myth from reality.

Those little things that we all do for ourselves whether it's reading those magazines that dish the dirt on those high-profile celebrities, playing the guitar, the drums, piano or any other instrument, laying out by the pool, or sitting out in a boat on the lake alone with your own thoughts, working a crossword puzzle, playing a game of one-on-one, sitting on a wraparound porch with a glass of lemonade watching butterflies fluttering by, exercising to your little heart's content, or playing nine or even eighteen holes of golf, losing yourself in a good book, weaving stories or being pampered at the spa make the biggest difference. We all need an escape route, a place to regain our footing, a place to run in hide when the world gets a little too scary. I still enjoy the simple pleasures in life. And I appreciate them when they come for they have become very far and few between in this world of instant gratification.

Even though I am a grown up, I still enjoy some things that I did as a child because that child still lives within me. When we get older, our ideals change and mature along with us. When I feel drained, riddled with anxiety, or the need to escape for a little while I scatter the things that I love and enjoy around me like pixie dust and pull out my pocketful of pleasures.

I pulled out my little book of poems. I hope that you like my selection. The poet, Katherine Mansfield writes of domestic bliss as being commonplace yet magical. Isn't that what every little girl dreams of having one day? She dreams of having a family to take care of and love. If we are really lucky, we might even find some sparks of romance mingled in for good measure. As SheDaisy says, "God Bless the American Housewife". In the meantime, I will enjoy the freedom of my single status. Even when there is a mound of laundry awaiting us, I hope we can still find time and joy in pulling out are own unique and distinct pocketful of pleasures.

Camomile Tea by Katherine Mansfield

Outside the sky is light with stars;
There's a hollow roaring from the sea.
And, alas! for the little almond flowers,
The wind is shaking the almond tree.

How little I thought, a year ago,
In the horrible cottage upon the Lee
That he and I should be siting so
And sipping a cup of camomile tea.

Light as feathers the witches fly,
The horn of the moon is plain to see;
By a firefly under a jonquil flower
A goblin toasts a bumble-bee.

We might be fifty, we might be five,
So snug, so compact, so wise are we!
Under the kitchen-table leg
My knee is pressing against his knee.

Our shutters are shut, the fire is low,
The tap is dripping peacefully;
The saucepan shadows on the wall
Are black and round and plain to see.

CUP OF JOE

2006-05-30T16:28:00.000-07:00

I thought that it was time for a candid conversation. A post that reveals who I am outside of being a fairly regular blogger. I thought that I would share some details that define me.

Last thing that made me cry?

Well, truthfully I have been known to cry at Hallmark commercials. I can't just turn on the waterworks; however I can be pretty emotional at times and especially during a certain time of the month. The last thing that really made cry honest to goodness tears is when my chocolate lab who was thirteen years of age went to doggy heaven this past February.

Last thing that made me laugh?

The last thing that made me laugh was when my brother stubbed his toe last night. Ouch! He was shouting expletives. My mom and I were just cracking up. I also have been known to laugh uncontrollably when I see someone fall down. I can't help it. It's genetic.

My biggest regret?

Well, the truth is I don't have that many regrets. Some are definitely more personal than others. I guess I regret not taking many chances and risks. I play it way too safe. If I did take a few more risks I might find more foder for my blogs.

My greatest love?

"I found the greatest love inside of me", to quote an 80's song entitled "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston. I like to think that I take care of myself and that I love and respect myself. I don't think that I have experienced "great love" other than from my family, friends, and my relatonship with the Lord. I would consider Jesus Christ dying on the cross for my sins the greatest love of all. So in that respect I have experienced "the greatest love".

My worst fear?

My worst fear is abandonment probably because my parent's are divorced and my dad left my mom, brother, and me when I was at the tender age of four. I also fear a lack of communication within a relationship. Sometimes, it is hard for me to express my feelings.

My most valued possession?

My journal where I write down my thoughts. Of course, my very own copy of my book which was published at the end of March. I also like my cell phone. It keeps me connected with my world. I also have a sapphire and diamond ring that has a lot of sentimental value. I wear it on the fourth finger of my left hand to keep it close to my heart because my family gave it to me as a college graduation present. I had been admiring my ring from afar for years!

First thing I do every morning?

Well, I use to check myspace every morning, but it has slowly lost its appeal. I do different things. Sometimes I just lay in bed thinking about my "To Do list". Sometimes I take a shower first thing in the morning. Lately, I have been munching on chocolate pop tarts. This morning I wrote a poem.

Last thing I do at night?

I wash my face and brush my teeth. I watch T.V. or an episode of Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill from my DVD collections. Sometimes, I read a book depending on how sleepy I am. Lately, I have been writing in my journal late at night.

Household appliance I can't live without?

A microwave. I use it almost on a daily basis. I eat Smart Ones frozen cuisine almost everyday for lunch. I would also have to say a blender because I love fruit smoothies. Delicious! I am always reminded of the scene on "Father Of the Bride" between Annie and her dad. She flips out when her fiance, Bryan gives her a blender as a wedding present because she sees it as a 1950's reference for women keeping their place at home. I wouldn't flip out if I received a blender. I don't mind being submissive as long as my boyfriend/husband isn't taking advantage. Someday, I would love to be a Stay At Home Mom for awhile as long as I can have full access to the computer in which to write!

My favorite quote?

This is a tough one. I might as well have found this one on a park bench. Actually, I found it in a book of quotes when I was substitute teaching. The author is unknown or at least I didn't write it down. It has just stuck with me. "True love does not just consist of gazing at each other but gazing outward together in the same direction". In other words, it's all about being on the same page.

My best and worst quality?

This is another tough one. I am very demonstrative. At times I can be very pessimistic and see the glass as being "half empty" instead of "half full". I also can be lazy. I can do anything I put my mind to doing. The flip side of that is that it takes alot to motivate me.

What gives me comfort?

Writing comforts me. It's a release. I believe that writing can be a catharis for my soul. Prayer comforts me. Butterflies comfort me.

What makes me sad?

What truly makes me sad is all the graceful exits from my life of the people I never wanted to leave it. Also it saddens me when I hear someone say that they don't like to read. What would the world be without literature, fiction, or novels? I love diving into a good book. "Come on in the water is fine".

What makes me happy?

Writing makes me happy because it gives me purpose. Blogging makes me happy because it gives me a place to express my thoughts. Sunny and clear days make me happy. Pedicures make me happy. I like happy toes. Babies make me happy. Butterflies make me happy. Being on the "New York Times" best selling list would really make me happy.

Having answered these questions, I feel that I know myself a little bit better. Isn't that the point? You and I see these myspace bulletins all the time with survey after survey. Although 99% of the material on myspace is shallow and superficial, it too can also have it's moments. It reconnected me to an old friend of mine from junior high. So the next time one of these surveys lands with a thud in your inbox or is posted in a bulletin on myspace, take a few minutes to answer honestly an openly. The someone who sent it may be using it as a means to get to know you better: a bridge of communication.

I would like to share with you a story that a guy friend of mine told me the other day. It truly touched me how sentimental he can be. "A professor stands in front of his students with a jar. He fills the jar with golf balls. Then he asks the class, "Is it full?" The class responds in unison, "Yes, it's full". Then the professor fills the jar with pebbles. He asks the class, "Is it full?" The class responds in unison again, "Yes it's full". Next, the professor fills the jar with sand on top of the golf balls and pebbles. He asks the class for a third time, "Is it full?" The class responds for a third time, "Yes, it's full". The professor begins to explain that the golf balls respresent "the family unit". The pebbles represent "the mundane details, the rountines, and the busyness of life". The sand represents "time". Finally, he pours coffee into this already full jar. The jar is filled with coffee to the brim. The professor asks for a final time, "Is it full now?" The class responds in unison for a final time, "Yes, it's full". He looks at the class, and says something very profound. "There is always enough room in your life for a cup of coffee with an old friend". Who knew that a science experiment, could carry such weight? Pardon the pun.

True to form, we all complain about the pebbles( the mundane, the routines, and the busyness). In truth, we could all do without so many pebbles. But then what would we complain about? Oh yeah, family. What if we didn't have those golf balls? Those people in our lives with whom we share a last name and a legacy. What if we didn't have sand? Time is pretty important. We claim that we don't have it for doing the things that we need to do, but there always seems to be enough time to do what we want to do. And lastly, what would we do without coffee? We would probably never wake up or go through the decision making process at Starbucks. By the way, a Caramel light frappucino is my drink of choice.

If you are a middle aged or older lady meeting friends for tea at a quaint little tea room, sip your tea if you must with your little pinky sticking out, but don't forget to ask your dining companions, "How are you?" or "What's new in your life?" "It is what is on the inside that counts". If you are a hip and saavy twenty-something hanging out at a coffeehouse, make time for your friends. Start up a conversation, you never know how much your time and effort can mean to someone. It can be very therapeutic talking with someone. I have many interesting conversations with my friends. I am making more of a conscious effort to spend more time with them after having heard that story. I was thinking about it as a friend and I went to eat dinner together the other night. We just let our hair down and had a really good conversation. There is enough room in our lives for old and new friends alike. Friends are like precious jewels. They are to be treasured. Pull up a chair next to an old friend, catch up on time that has gone by and pour your friend and yourself a cup of joe whether it be decaf or regular.

In my opinion, this song entitled "Sorry to a Friend" by Edwin McCain is fitting for this particular post. I hope that you enjoy it and get something out of it as I do.

Sorry to a Friend

Sittin' on the edge
Looking for songs in a bottle
Talking with strangers who don't know my pain
Blurry eyed and burned out
Choking on more than I can swallow
Crack in a little voice called out my name

She said ~ Whatever happened to you,
You took the coward's way out again
And I guess all my fears were true
The words were all gone the time's been too long.
But its not too late to say it sorry to a friend

Staring in her face, I see a past that still haunts me
The road where we split up is paved with the things I didn't say
We had wonderful times, but terrible timing
Now just leave her alone, I'll just be in the way

She said whatever happened to you
You took the coward's way out again
And I guess all my fears were true
The words are all gone, the time's been too long
But it's not too late to say I'm sorry to a friend
I'm sorry to a friend. Sorry to a friend

Like a stone in a stream
Life smoothes all our edges
'Til we barely make a ripple any more
But those times in my life will live with me forever
But we're not the same people that we were before

And I'm sorry for the smiles we missed and the times that I blew it
I've got so much to tell you I don't know where to start
Maybe I'll find a way maybe you'll help me do it
'Cause friends like us should not be apart
And I'm sorry to a friend
Well now I'm sorry

ONE SINGLE SOUL

2006-05-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

It is fitting that this post comes on the heels of "Graceful Exits". Aristotle once said, "Friends are one soul dwelling in two bodies". Have you ever stopped to think about what that means? Sure, we all have friends. Some people have more friends than others. More than likely these friends are mere acquaintances than true friends. Proverbs 18:24 says, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother". Consider the friends who are apart of your life. Would this friend take the shirt off his back for you? Would this friend throw water on you if you were on fire? Would this friend fight lions, tigers, and bears? Oh my!

In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy had some great friends regardless of the fact that these friends were a lion, a tin man, and a scarecrow. Each one was looking for something different. The Scarecrow, who was Dorothy's dearest friend, was searching for a brain. The Tin Man was searching for a heart and the Cowardly Lion was searching for courage. Dorothy wanted to find a way back home. So all of these characters had something in common. They were searching for something. They were searching for something that would make them complete. Perhaps the Scarecrow was Dorothy's dearest friend because he was the first one she had met on her journey to Oz. They all decided to go see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz, together. The key word in the previous sentence is "together".

They were brave souls. They obtained their bravery from each other despite supposedly the lion did not have any courage. If you ask me, he was pretty courageous on that sometimes spooky and unknown trek to Oz. If that Tin Man didn't have a heart then how come he was so tender and he cried all the time? If the Scarecrow didn't have a brain then how come he knew and only he knew the right things to say to Dorothy when she was distraught and ready to give up? The Tin Man needed Dorothy to bring out the tenderness and gentility in him. The Cowardly Lion needed her so he could feel big and strong by protecting her. The Scarecrow needed her because she saw that he had potential. In my opinion, Dorothy needed them for support, protection, comfort, and company. The Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion all needed Dorothy, one single soul, to bring out the best in all of them.

Switching gears from a beloved movie to a beloved television series, I will now focus my attention on the incredible dynamic of Dawson and Joey. The characters of Dawson and Joey were played by James Van der Beek and Katie Holmes respectively on the hit show Dawson's Creek. The setting is in Dawson's bedroom where the greatest and most memorable conversations between Dawson and Joey always took place. He is leaving the next day, to go off to Hollywood in pursuit of a childhood dream to become a director. Joey is having a hard time letting go of her friend, confidante, and soulmate. Joey says to Dawson: "Do you believe in magic? I never used to. How could I? Thirteen , your mom dies. You hope for magic something to make it all better. It never comes. You look to your father who's unable to overcome all of his tragic flaws. Well no abracadabra there. And then there's Pacey. Well... Any magic that was there ran out, didn't it? But then there's you. There's proof that someone out there is thinking of me. My friend who is with me always. It's pure magic". In another episode, Joey asks Dawson: "Do you think that every Joey has a Dawson and every Dawson has a Joey?" Dawson replies, "I certainly hope so for their sake". Dawson and Joey are just two single souls who needed each other.

Someone once said, "No man is an island". Everyone needs just one person to be there for them whether in good times or bad times, but especially in those uncertain times. It doesn't necessarily have to be the same person just one single soul needing another. I have had two "scarecrows" in my life. The first scarecrow I met as a child. She taught me about friendship. The second scarecrow I met as an adult. He taught me about romantic love. My best friend Heather is very dear to me because she happened to be the first person that I met on my journey, this journey that we call life. We haven't always seen eye to eye. In fact, at times we see things so differently; however we have continued to be there for each other in whatever capacity we could be. Having had been friends with someone for so long is a rare and precious gift. It is a gift that should be treasured and not taken for granted. John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends".

There have been other souls who I have met on my journey who have given of their time and of themselves in ways that have meant so much to me. Each and every single soul I have encountered that God has blessed me with in my life brings out something different in me. "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves". Although I have more than a handful of family members who I hold dear and consider my time with them precious and well spent.

In an episode of One Tree Hill, the character Peyton played by Hilarie Burton said, "At this moment, there are six billion, four hundred, seventy-one million, eight hundered, eighteen thousand, six hundred, and seventy-one people in the world. Six billion souls and sometimes...all you need is one". Sometimes all we need is one. Another character by the name of Nathan played by James Lafferty on One Tree Hill said, "If you look close enough, you can find hope in the words of children, in the bars of a song, and in the eyes of someone you love". Last Saturday morning, I woke up cranky. I had to go to work. I drank some coffee hoping that would bring me to life and take care of the tiredness and crankiness. My best friend brought her newborn daughter by for a minute and in that instant, a big smile came across my face. It took just one- one single soul in the form of a little baby to set me on my MERRY way.

I am still anticipating "the one". The one person in which I am meant to share my life. The person who will be my friend, confidante, and soul mate. A kindred spirit, in which I can share my fears, hopes, and dreams. I felt the magic once temporarily. I am trying to wait patiently for the "hocus pocus" to weave its spell on my heart once again. Isn't there one single soul out there who is my match in every way? I am sure that we have all asked that question at one time or another, out of lonely frustration. If you are lonely, don't lose heart. Reach out to someone. You can find comfort, hope, and stability in the strangest of places. Octavio Paz once said, "Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human conditon. Man is the only being who knows he is alone". Tennessee Williams once wrote, "When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone". You don't have to walk this journey we call life alone. I am grateful for the company that I have been given in my life. I have people who unselfishly give of their time and themselves. I have people who give me validity, depth, and substance. I hope that you have someone who gives you validity, depth, and substance in your lives whether it be a friend, a family member, a significant other, or a spouse. After all every "scarecrow" needs his "Dorothy" and every "Dawson" needs his "Joey". One single soul deserves another.

Here is a poem by Richard Brautigan entitled "Your Catfish Friend". It has been said that, "Brautigan is good for you". So sit down and get comfortable. Let me brew you a cup and drink it in slowly.

"Your Catfish Friend"

If I were to live my life
in catfish forms
in scaffolds of skin and whiskers
at the bottom of a pond
and you were to come by
one evening
when the moon was shining
down into my dark home
and stand there at the edge
of my affection
and think, "It's beautiful
here by this pond. I wish
somebody loved me,"
I'd love you and be your catfish
friend and drive such lonely
thoughts from your mind
and suddenly you would be
at peace,
and ask yourself, "I wonder
if there are any catfish
in this pond? It seems like
a perfect place for them".

GRACEFUL EXITS

2006-05-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

"I wanted to share something personal and tell you that there are people in my life who are gone now, people I miss very much and people who I am haunted by in different ways. Whether we're separated by death or merely distance, I know that they are still with me because I keep them in my heart". This is an excerpt from Joey's graduation speech on Dawson's Creek. I was reminded of this speech when my baby brother graduated from high school last week. I took a trip down memory lane and arrived at my own graduation from high school almost ten years ago. That is really hard to believe. I am not sure what is harder to believe, Jamey graduating from high school or the undeniable fact that I have been out of high school for almost ten years now. I began to think about how much his life is going to change as he is now standing at a crossroads. As he took this gigantic step, I began to retrace mine. I began to think about all of the changes that took place in my life that fateful summer after graduation.

The year was 1997. I graduated from high school and felt immediately pressured to find a job that would hopefully make ends meet so that I could attend a junior college and then make my way to a university. So suddenly my freedom was gone and this pesky thing called "responsibility" took its place. My maternal grandmother also died that summer. I went to visit her grave on Mother's Day just a few days ago. She had a tremendous impact on my life. She had a quiet strength about her that I so admired and respected. My brother Ben moved out of our house for the second time and as if that wasn't enough my best friend, Heather moved across town. An emotional upheaval had ensued on all fronts. One chapter of my life was closing and I was reluctant for another one to begin.

I was invited to go on a trip to Florida with a friend from my former school and her family. I jumped at the opportunity to rid my mind of the reminders that my life was changing and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I suppose, I had a nice enough time. As I mentioned in a previous post, I fainted at Sea World. I think it was my way of dealing with all of the changes in my life. Stress and I were getting to know each other on a first name basis. Through out that particular time in my life I learned that change was inevitable. John Steinbeck once wrote, "Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass". What I couldn't understand and what I still struggle with to this day is why change is necessary. Why can't things just stay the same? Why are we and our world constantly evolving? Hasn't anyone ever heard the expression, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"? Sigh. (Note to Self: "Take a deep breath").

Four years later, I found a group of people in which I could be myself. And I fell in love with one of them so deeply and completely that it took a long time for me to accept that that time in my life is over as well. He had a profound impact on my life twice. There are those people who gracefully exit your life and never return, and then there are those people who gracefully exit your life and make a surprise return through that secret and invisible revolving door. Then there are those people who just stick with you no matter what. Those people who you take for granted. I prefer these people. The people on whom you can depend, lean, and count on when push comes to shove. People like my best friend. Although, our lives have changed and evolved as we grew up and our now adults she still has my back and I still have hers no matter what. Now and always. Even though, there were a few fights that we have had over the years in which I thought we might not get past, but still no exit. Thank goodness.

After having said "goodbye" the first time to my first love, God put an amazing person in my life. She and her husband have been such a comfort and inspiration to me in ways they will never know. Thank you Cherrie. Just when I thought nothing could rock my world, she informed me that her husband was being transferred. Surprisingly, I took the move rather well. I can't think about the distance between us for too long or else it has a tendency to sadden me. We are still great friends and we talk on a regular basis; however, we are both keenly aware of the miles that separate us. I recently went to visit she and her family at their new home.

There are just some people like Cherrie and Heather who come with a bulit in welcome mat. I felt immediately at home with these people. Well, maybe not so much with Heather at first, but as my friend Matt says, "that's another blog for another time". Then there's Matt. He is a good tried and true friend. He had one of those built in welcome mats as well, but initially I couldn't see it because I was too foolishly wrapped up in my current emotional upheaval. "Hindsight is 20/20", so they say."What you see is what you get" with Matt. We all need people in our lives like that. He is actually one of those people who came through the revolving door. Thankfully by that time, I was ready and willing to put a welcome mat out for him.

Recently, an old childhood friend of mine, Natalie came through that revolving door. We were the best of friends in junior high and somehow we just fazed out. She started attending a new school and our lives went off in different directions. I am glad that life seems to have been kind to her. Maybe we can get to know each other again as grown ups and remember the children that we were. It is nice to have those people in your life who remind you of a time that was sweet and innocent. Natalie is one of those people.

Then there are those people who you sometimes regret leaving behind and at the same time know that it was time to move on for your own well being and state of mind. On the other hand, there are those people who have left you behind. People with whom you have somehow outgrown and vice versa. Maybe these people through no fault of their own just carry with them painful memories that you can't get past. By gones. Sometimes you have to let go of the things and even the people who have hurt you. Sometimes you have to be the one to make a graceful exit. I have had to bow out gracefully at times because I felt like I had no other choice or because I felt like I was someone's second choice. Being in the back of someone's mind, became less and less appealing to me when I finally realized that I deserved to be a top priority.

Jamey, my baby brother is about to go through a very significant transition in his life. What he has in his favor is his brothers and sisters who have gone before him who have "been there and done that". Making mistakes is just apart of life, but learning from our mistakes is a choice. It is a crucial choice that if in fact we don't want to repeat those mistakes we must learn from them.

There are people who have been in my life who are gone now, who I miss very much and who in different ways haunt me and who have supported, encouraged, loved, and even challenged me in their own unique ways. Now for the end of Joey's graduation speech, "The truth is, in time that's all we are going to be to each other anyway this population of memories. Some wonderful and endearing some less so, but taken together those memories help make us who we are and who we will be. So whether you are here with each other now or merely in each other's thoughts remember each other on that road ahead, and I hope that no matter where your travels lead you in this life, you'll always take Capeside with you". Next year, is my ten year high school graduation reunion and those people who have made graceful exits will re-enter some who carry "wonderful and endearing memories" and some who carry less than "wonderful and endearing memories".

We all have had to say "good-bye" to someone in our lives whether it be "merely distance or through death, a final "good-bye". More than likely, you think about these people that you have left behind or those who have left you behind. "I hope that wherever your travels, lead you in this life, you'll always take( fill in the blank) with you". My hope for Jamey is that he will be able to take those along with him on his journey who have made the greatest impact and who have made growing up a bit more bearable. Hopefully, as he matures more and more each day he will count his family, his sister (me) at the top of his list of the people on whom he can depend, count, and lean on when push comes to shove. Isn't it obvious how much I love my baby brother?

I hope that people my age can be a little less selfish when looking at the generation that follows us, thinking a little less about how so much precious time has passed us by, and a little more about paving a way for these young men and women who hold so much promise and potential within his or her grasp. Hopefully, those people who stand by us no matter what stage we are in our lives, can make it a little bit more bearable when other people make disappearing acts and graceful exits. Oh and one more thing, over the years I finally figured out why change is necessary. Change is necessary and not always a terrible thing because it is God's intent for us to be totally dependent upon Him. He needs us to need Him. However, that does not mean that we should not do our parts because we should do our parts. It just means that He will always be with us and He will never make a disappearing act or a graceful exit.

Whether or not you are still a part of my life, if you have had any kind of impact on me at all, rest assured you still have a place in my heart. Here is poem by E.E. Cummings (It reminds me of a true life love story- loves last tribute) and a duet by Sheryl Crow and Sting called "Always By Your Side" ( It is dedicated to a very special guy who no longer has a place in my life, but will always have a place in my heart) that has comforted me when thinking about my "population of memories".

"I Carry Your Heart with Me" by E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world ( for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

"Always By Your Side" by Sheryl Crow (Duet with Sting)

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away

But every now and then you come to mind

Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game

But when your name was called, you found a place to hide

When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent

my demons and my angels reappeared

Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be

Too afraid to hear the words i always fear

leaving you with only questions all these years

Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear

Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear

Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally

This isn't how it's really meant to be

No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,

How to pull it close and make it stay

Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away

And I'm left to carry on and wonder why

Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear

Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear

Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally

But this isn't how it's really meant to be

Oh it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear

How to pull it close and make it stay

If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away

Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why

Was it you that kept me wondering through this life

When you know that I was always on your side

WALKS OF LIFE

2006-05-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

I have said many times that my travels inspire my writing. My last and most recent venture is no exception to the rule. In my last post, I wrote about how I hope that I make a good impression on other people. In this blog, I want to express how other people make an impression on me. I can honestly say that everyone with whom I encountered was genuinely nice. Each and every person I encountered had a story and some were even willingly to share their stories.

On Saturday afternoon April 29, 2006 much to my chagrin, I boarded a plane headed for Phoenix Arizona. My fellow passenger happened to be a nice looking guy who volunteered to put my carry-on bag into one of the overhead bins and offered me a seat. I was so terrified to take off because I hadn't flown in over six years. He was reading a magazine nonchalantly as I was trying hard not to projectile the remains of my breakfast and my just peachy smoothie that I had opted for instead of something else that would have weighed heavily on my already queasy stomach. I looked over at him as I grabbed on for dear life, and politely asked, "So this doesn't bother you?" "No", he politely replied. He informed me that he had flown several times and each time was the same. However, he did mention that one time he made the mistake of eating a McDonald's Big Mac before getting on a plane which made me even more grateful for having sense enough to just drink a smoothie.

When the plane leveled off, I felt like I could at least breathe. So Bryan and I started up a conversation. It turned out that he was originally from Scottsdale, Arizona. And he had moved to Nashville on a transfer. I also found out by talking to him that he was planning a wedding with his future bride. He was going to Phoenix to visit her for a few days. I told him that I had recently published a book in which he said "Congratulations". He said that he also had a manuscript that he had been working on for awhile. He also was a songwriter of sorts. An hour had passed by, before I asked for the time. He had managed to put me at ease which believe me was no easy feat especially when I heard the pilot say we were going to be traveling at exactly 45,000 feet up in the air. I could have gone the rest of my life without having heard that tidbit of information.

The landing wasn't so bad. I decided half way through the flight to look out of the window for awhile. I had forgotten how beautiful the puffy white clouds could be looking down at them. I began to relax as the plane was making its final descent. Then it was time to go to baggage claim and retrieve my luggage. Luckily, I had my Mom along for this trip. At first, we thought that our luggage had been lost as we were waiting for our ride from the airport. We made a sigh of relief when we finally spotted our luggage. We had come to visit my Mom's sister and my favorite aunt.

By Wednesday, we had decided to venture out towards historical downtown where my Aunt Frances has her hair done on a weekly basis. I finally met the infamous Janet who is my aunt's hairdresser. She had heard as much about me as I had heard about her. She wasn't at all how I had pictured her. Most people rarely look the way that you envision them in your mind. I really didn't expect her to have blonde hair although it was probably not her natural color. She was very nice and I really appreciate how kind she has been to my aunt. I love the downtown area there. There is so much history. We went to Lute's Casino for lunch. It is the place where are the movie stars like Marilyn Monroe and Clark Gable used to go for a good time. I bought some souvenirs while I was there at a place called Twigs.

Janet, Mom, Aunt Frances, and I made plans to meet for lunch the next day. We went to this quaint little cafe on the outskirts of town that serves Chinese cuisine. It was really good. I inquired about the Mexican restaurants and Janet told me about the local restaurants. She recommended the green chili enchilada at El Charro's Cafe. It turned out that she was a member of a book club. My Aunt Frances had told her that I had written and published a book so she was anxious to read it and informed me that she was going to tell the book club. I got very excited because my book was now circulating in Arizona.

Perhaps the most interesting part of the entire trip was the journey home. We woke up at about 3:30 AM in order to catch a taxi. The taxi ended up coming early to take us to our next stop which happened to be a Chevron station a few miles up the road. It was hard saying goodbye to Aunt Frances that morning although I was half-awake and half-asleep. We went to this gas station to catch a shuttle that would take us to the Sky Harbor airport in Phoenix. We waited over an hour for that shuttle. During that time, we met one of the workers from the Chevron station. I felt so sorry for that man having to come in to work so early. In the hour that we had been waiting we learned that he was originally from Michigan and his doctor had advised him to move to a warmer climate because of his health condition. He was a widower. He had one son and three grandchildren of which two boys and one girl. They were planning on coming for a visit to see him this summer. He was a very nice man. He even watched out for us when this man riding a bicycle decided to stop by and get something to eat. He was a shady character. He pulled his bicycle around the back of the store to eat. Mom and I had our guard up, but the worker was keeping a close watch out for us.

Along came the shuttle just when we had started to give up on it, and out popped a doe eyed brunette who promptly started loading our luggage into the back of the van and informed us that she was going to get some coffee. There was another passenger who was getting on the shuttle at the Chevron station, a soft-spoken man who was nice enough. He was irritated because the 5:15 AM shuttle was the only one running that day and his flight wasn't until two o'clock. I can't say that I blame him for being irritated. The shuttle driver, Simone was a very entertaining and colorful character. I didn't mind her bubbly personality even though I was trying my hardest to sleep. She and the shotgun passenger struck up a conversation. He was an older man who was headed to Cody, Wyoming. He seemed to know a lot about life and he had had a lot of different experiences. He was probably in his late sixties if I had to guess. He was very nice and really seemed to enjoy Simone's company. Simone was a native of Utah and she had grown up as a Mormon. I gathered from the way that she talked she had done a little bit of everything to make ends meet. She even informed us that she was supposed to have gotten married in June, but that she had gotten cold feet.

We picked up some more passengers along the way. They were two girls that seemed to be going back and forth between their parents. They rode in the back of the shuttle. They tried to sleep for a little while and were smart enough to bring a blanket. I had wished that I had brought one because I am so cold-natured. Then when they had woken up, they quizzed each other on Spanish vocabulary. "What is estrella?" "Star", I simply informed them.

Did you know that it takes a cactus seventy to one hundred years to grow its first arm? That is a tidbit of information that Simone passed along. Since she had moved to Arizona, she had studied up a lot on legends, colloquialisms, history, and culture. She also made a joke that it looked like the cacti with two arms were flipping us off. I had never really thought about that before, but ever since she said that every cactus that had two arms looked like it was flipping me off.

We finally arrived at the Sky Harbor airport in one piece. My stomach took a nose dive as I realized the countdown had begun for getting on yet another plane. We hadn't managed to get a direct flight to Nashville. We were going to have to make a detour to Texas and then catch a connecting flight into Nashville. We stood in line to tag our luggage and get our boarding passes. There was a little girl in front of me carrying a Beauty and the Beast suitcase. She was so cute despite it looked as though her mother hadn't bothered brushing her hair that morning. She looked back at me and smiled. I thought to myself, this child is not afraid to get on a plane, so why am I?"

The countdown continued as Mom and I grabbed some lunch in the heavily air conditioned airport. Despite, the cold air I was in the mood for a Wendy's frosty. Yum. I thought that it might calm my nerves. Shortly, it was time to board the plane to Houston. The passenger I sat beside this time wasn't in any mood for a candid conversation like Bryan had been a week ago. He ordered tomato juice over ice as his drink of choice. Yuck. It smelled so bad. I was so glad to get off that plane because of the smell of that tomato juice not to mention the less than smooth landing. It had made me dizzy. Once we landed there wasn't much time until the connecting flight. So Mom and I visited the facilities and waited for our next flight. We were in the "A" group this time so we would get first choice of seats.

I opted for sitting in the middle for the last leg of the trip. Soon we would be arriving in Tennessee. Home. There is no place like it. This very nice lady sat next to me on the trip home. She was originally from the Northeast, but she had been living in Houston for quite awhile. It turned out that she and her husband were going to be moving to my hometown soon. She was meeting him in Nashville and they were going to drive west to look at some houses on the market. During the flight, she asked me about restaurants and entertainment. She asked me what I did for a living, which really isn't anything spectacular because I am in transition mode for the time being. I hesitated to tell her that I had published a book and that I just so happened to have a copy in my carry-on bag. My Mom had pulled it out for Randy to look at it. She asked if she could buy that copy and would I please sign it. I was so pleased. It was the smoothest flight and it seemed like it took no time at all. Still it had been a very long day, and coming back we had lost two hours. I turned to my Mom and said, "On this trip especially today, we have seen so many different walks of life". She pondered my observation for a moment, and agreed with me.

On our final descent into the Nashville airport, we looked out the window and there was a cloud cover. It felt like we were walking through the clouds. I looked down at the earth below, and I saw the green trees. The atmosphere is so different here than in Arizona. I felt my ears pop for probably the first time on all four flights. I breathed in the air and it was filled with moisture instead of dry heat. I felt a chill for the first time in a week. And I felt precipitation. Even though it was raining, I was glad to be home in Tennessee.

I am thankful for every new person I met this week. Every person had a purpose for going to where he or she was going. The heart is a traveler. My heart was calling me to Arizona to visit my aunt because I had not seen her face to face in six years. People are searching for a place to belong and feel safe. I felt safe in Arizona among family. It was a time that I will never forget. I am a link in a legacy of some pretty remarkable women. I hope that these people who I encountered find or have found that place where they feel safe and belong. We get so caught up in our destinations, that often times, we can't appreciate or enjoy our journeys as they are happening. We live in a very diverse world filled with different shades of the rainbow and rich in culture. No matter where we travel on life's journey, whether it is Arizona, Tennessee, or any state in between, whether we go for a ride, a flight, or simply pass by someone on the street we will encounter many different walks of life.

Perhaps the greatest of travelers are those who have put their life on the line for their country those who have served proudly in the Armed Forces, Army, Navy, or the Marine Corp. These war veterans definitely deserve to be saluted for their courageousness as we continue to fight the war against terror. These people who represent our country certainly have and will continue to encounter many different walks of life. May we all find peace.

Here is one of my favorite songs "Show Me the River" by Eastmountainsouth. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I do.

First Verse:
I've been a traveler of far away lands
I've got love on my mind, but death on these hands
Come homeward angel, show me the way
Or will fate leave me dead in the tracks where I lay

Chorus:
Show me the river that leads to my home back to the one that I love
Show me the wind that constantly blows and I will fly away, fly away home

Second Verse:
Since we were parted I know I have changed
You'll see the blood that was shed in the lines on my face
But now that I've turned my back on the fight
I'm gonna steal back my life like a thief in the night
I come to you through fire and snow over high rolling hills and the valleys below
With all that I've suffered I'm still on this road and if I hold you again will never let go

Chorus:
Show me the river that leads to my home back to the one that I love
Show me the wind that constantly blows and I will fly away, fly away home

SIGNATURES & SOUVENIRS

2006-04-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

"Being Southern is a state of mind". Well, I am not from Alabama, but I am from the South. I was born and raised in West Tennessee. I take pride that most people from the South are friendly and hospitable. We make people feel at home. We smile and make eye contact. We even offer up tea and sympathy when needed except in our case it is usually iced tea with a wedge of lemon.

I do get curious from time to time how other people live in big and bustling cities. I wouldn't mind going to explore the Big Apple or even Los Angeles. Once, I was pretty close to Los Angeles when I was visiting family. We took a day trip to San Diego and what a beautiful city. We could have gone into Los Angeles, but we decided to head down to Mexico since their home is only twenty minutes from the Mexican border. I have actually been to Alabama as well. My best friend and I decided to take a road trip to Gulf Shores. We drove for about fourteen hours because it was Map Quest's intent to make us travel around the world before finally taking us to our destination. I have been to Florida twice. Once I went with my dad and my step family to Tampa. We went to Disney World. The second time I went with a friend from high school and her family. I guess you could call it a semi-Senior trip. We also went to Disney World, The Epicot Center, and MGM Studios. The villa that we stayed in was so nice. I remember that it had a gigantic Olympic sized pool. I also remember getting sick from the sun at a place called the "Chicken Biscuit" at Sea World. That wasn't my finest moment.

The trips or vacations that actually mean the most to me are the ones that I have planned on my own. A few years ago, I planned a trip to go see a good friend of mine who at the time was living in North Carolina. I also decided that it was the perfect opportunity to visit Wilmington. For those of you who are unaware, Wilmington, North Carolina is called the "Hollywood of the South". The hit WB show, now in syndication, Dawson's Creek was shot there on a sound stage and on location. The WB drama One Tree Hill is currently shot there. Wilmington is breathtaking. It is a quaint and charming coastal town. I made reservations to stay at this little Bed and Breakfast which was about three blocks from Water Street down on the docks. There are all of those cool little shops like "Poodles" and "Island Passage" located near Water Street along with restaurants such as "Deluxe" and "The Reel Cafe". There was also a shop located on Water Street which had a wall filled with famous signatures like James Earl Jones, and Henry Winkler. Joshua Jackson's name was sandwiched right in between "Darth Vader" and "The Fonz". I took a picture for posterity. I have a few pictures of me standing in front of location shoots like "Leery's Fresh Fish" which is actually called "Roy's Riverboat Landing" and "Karen's Cafe". Everyone was so friendly and welcoming there. I still fantasize about the gorgeous stranger who I encountered in front of the Hilton hotel when I was about to go for a boat ride. When the week was over, I didn't want to leave. I never did make it to Wrightsville Beach. It was one of the main places that I wanted to go. Maybe I can take another trip to North Carolina sometime in the near future.

The next spring I got the opportunity to go with a friend of mine to San Antonio, Texas. It's supposed to be one of the most haunted towns in the United States; however, none of the ghosts decided to visit me. Although our horse and carriage driver told many ghost stories. I wasn't so much interested in that. I enjoyed seeing all the homes inherited from "Old Money" on the tour. I also enjoyed visiting the Alamo paying homage to the brave soldiers who fought so fearlessly. My favorite place is the River Walk. It is absolutely beautiful almost too much scenery for your senses to take in. I was definitely on a sensory overload and a natural high. It's just an amazing merger of nature and man made beauty. It definitely trumped the night life of New Orleans where I had gone the year before. It's a shame that I didn't have a guy with me to share it with besides Ken. Brandy and I meet a guy at the River Court who decided to escort us to this club called Poly Esther's. I think that's the great thing about taking a vacation because you actually have an excuse to be footloose, fancy free, and let your hair down. You can even step into a stripper's cage and pretend your name is "Sunset" while a complete stranger snaps a picture of you and your friend. That was a wild night. Ken was so nice and gentlemanly to walk us back to our hotel. My favorite adventure was taking a ride on a riverboat down the center of the River Walk. It maybe the closest I ever come to riding a gondola. I would like to go to Venice or Tuscany. A girl can dream! I was reluctant to leave San Antonio as well. I thought that we would never make it through the vast "Lone Star" state. It definitely left an impression on me.

Recently, I traveled to Baton Rouge, Louisiana to visit a friend of mine by train. I had never traveled by train and I had never traveled by myself. In a sense, it was an adventure and just another thing to cross off my list. There is this great place called "Raising Canes". They make the best chicken strips and serve the best Texas toast. I got to eat Greek food which consisted of chicken, lamb, white rice, and a great little salad with this very unique cucumber dressing. It was more like sauce than a dressing. I even got a muffeleta while I was there. I requested going to a place that served muffeletas because I had had one in the French Quarter in New Orleans. I love the olive spread. It was so good and more than I could eat. I even got to see LSU while I was there. It's a huge campus. I love the lakes. If I had gone to school there I would have walked around the lakes. It would have been so peaceful. Once again, it was time to come home. I wasn't too happy about boarding the Amtrak again after such a wonderful week, but as they say "all good things must come to an end".

In about a week, I will make another trip. Unfortunately, I have to travel by plane. I have flown before. The first time I had ever flown, I flew out of the country! For some reason I am terrified to fly now. I am going to Arizona once again. I haven't been there in six years. I am going to have to get over my fear of flying if I ever expect to make it to Europe to experience that much anticipated gondola ride. I am excited to be going on this trip. I am grateful for every opportunity to visit new states, new cultures, and even new languages.

I am not well traveled; however I would like to think that when I do go on these trips even if I do like to pretend I am someone else for a little while that I take my southern hospitality with me. That I make an impression on these people in some small way and in the same respect their kindness is not lost on me at all. In fact, their smiles, eye contact, and friendliness are greatly appreciated even if not everywhere that I travel doesn't serve iced tea with a wedge of lemon.

I have had every intention of scrap booking memories of my travels although to some would be considered few and far between. All of these places have left their imprint. Unlike the wall with all the famous visible signatures in Wilmington, North Carolina, mentally I sign my invisible "Jane Hancock" on these places that I visit hopefully having left it a better place. Who knows? My signature maybe worth something someday. I pack up all of my treasures some tangible and some intangible.

I love to travel. I could skip the packing and especially the unpacking. I think that it would be a lot easier to borrow Mary Poppin's magic carpet bag. I always seem to pack to much and leave something behind whether I make a checklist or not, but that's what drugstores are for I suppose. It is still nice to come home. For some reason, it seems to take less time coming home that going on a vacation. I guess it's because all the excitement is gone. I have always liked coming home. There is something very comforting about coming home after you have been gone for while and suddenly being surrounded by your own things, and especially sleeping in your own bed. Then the next morning, waking up to a familiar atmosphere. Ah, there is nothing like it.

If you do happen to visit the Hub City more than likely to tour our main tourist attraction the infamous "Casey Jone's Village" then I hope that I am nice to you if we ever pass by. I hope that I smile, make eye contact, and make you feel at home because I am proud to call Tennessee home. If for some reason, I do make a move to another town or state someday I hope there is something familiar about it. I hope there is something about it that comforts me and reminds me of the place where I laid down roots. I hope there are people there who will smile, make eye contact, and offer up tea and sympathy to me if I should happen to need it. There is this quote from "Sweet Home Alabama" that says "You can't have roots and wings". I disagree. Every tiny little bird must leave the nest eventually, but that doesn't mean that it forgets where the worms are so to speak. I have no reason to leave home right now, but someday I might have to. In the meantime, I will continue to travel to different towns, states, and maybe even countries making mental signatures and collecting souvenirs.

Souvenirs by Mary Beth Maziarz

I could let you slip away,
just wait for rainy days,
Find the perfect coffeehouse and talk for hours,
But wouldn't that be failing us,
letting go too soon,
when everything I am still holds on to you, and

these souvenirs...keep you here
You're really somewhere down the road, I know
But I'm still stranded here, holding all these souvenirs

I could hide all somewhere, pretend I didn't care,
Fill my time with daily things, until I'm numb
But isn't all this feeling why we reach for love at all
Isn't it the reason that we hear the call...for more than all

these souvenirs...keep you here
You're really somewhere down the road, I know
But I'm still stranded here, holding all these souvenirs